Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Adventures of Dave the Reaper (Part 3: Dave and Rob Break Into ReapCorp)

Dave returned home exhausted after a long day reaping. "Damn," said Dave, "I am exhausted!" Dave got in bed and prepared for a deep sleep. Tomorrow was going to be another long day at ReapCorp.

That night, Dave was awoken by a terrible THUD! "Damn! What just woke me up?" Dave asked angrily. Dave got out of bed and picked up his scythe, ready to defend his territory. He snuck down the stairs and turned on the light.

"Damn," Dave said, "Don't scare me like that, Rob." Of course, the loud noise that woke Dave up was his friend Rob. Rob appeared to be in pain. "Damn," Rob said, "Why did you have to put your hampster cage in the middle of the floor?" "Damn," Dave replied, "I didn't think anybody would trip over it. I don't even own a hampster."

Rob explained why he had come over. Apparently there were some people at ReapCorp who were taking credit for Dave's reapings. "Damn," Rob exclaimed, "You're the best reaper out there, and these punks are taking credit!" "Damn," Dave agreed. "Something must be done."

Dave and Rob snuck over to the ReapCorp offices, where the night shift was in full force. "Damn," said Dave, "I didn't think there would be anyone here." Of course, Dave forgot that people die every time of the day. Silly Dave. Rob was equally surprised. "Damn," he said, "I'm surprised as you!" The two agreed that it would be easy enough to tell the guards that Dave and Rob had left things in their offices and needed to reenter and reclaim those things. It worked. "Damn," said Dave, "I didn't think that would work!"

When they got inside, they moved straight for the records computer. This was going to be a little difficult, they agreed. After all, they did not know who had taken what credit. They started with that day. "Damn," said Rob, "Jeff put down just as many reaps as we did today, even though he worked on his own and we were a team!" "Damn," agreed Dave. Looking back at previous days, it was clear that Jeff had copied Dave's total for the past three months, including the 1.5 souls reaped in Part 1. "Damn," Dave laughed. "Who would want to copy down such a low total?"

Dave and Rob went through the list and lowered Jeff's total where it was necessary. Dave knew that nobody was better than him, so Jeff must have had a lower total. When all was done, Dave and Rob left the building, surprised that no guards were going to stop them.

The next day, Dave was really proud of himself. "Damn," said he, "I am very proud of myself." He smiled all day while reaping, a very unusual thing for a reaper to do. In the locker room after work, Jeff approached him. "Damn," muttered Dave under his breath. "I wonder if he figured it out!"

He did. Jeff was furious. "Damn!" shouted Jeff, "I want you to know that the last few months have been a strange coincidence, nothing sinister! I've spoken to the boss and he agreed that what you did was out of line." "Damn," said Dave, "I'm sorry I was so suspicious, it's just that those numbers were so suspicious!" He and Jeff agreed to put that behind them, as long as Dave did something for him.

Tune in next time for The Adventures of Dave the Reaper (Part 4: Dave Reaps While Wearing A Chicken Suit).

Answers to Part 2 Quiz
1) Rob
2) Trick question. It was a rookie mistake.
3) Reap the guy taped to a chair!

1) How's it going?
2) What did Rob trip over when he broke into Dave's house?
3) Why is Jeff so angry?

Author's note: I think that after last night we could all use a little Dave the Reaper. (And it only took me until September 122nd!)
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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New years eve partgy

Anyway yay or neigh we having one?
i'm fairly certain we can't use my house Read the full article.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Another day in paradice

Oh ok....I went to Penrose school (in Penrose the town) for about 4-5 months in 8th grade.

While I was there I asked this girl out. Because I'm the fat guy (it always works this way for us) she said no. Then like 3 months later she asked me out and I was forced to say no because I was moving in like a week. Sad day.

Anyway, so this weekend (by that I mean friday-sunday) I spent some time in canon city with my grandparents. Sooo, while I was in the city's Walmart, I happen to see her there (it was the closest walmart to the small town). We talked for a while, the she left. She thought it would be a good idea if she drove the 25 minutes back to Penrose to get a cd, then drive an additional 25 minutes back to my grandparents house (she is good friends with my grandparents, so this part isn't THAT weird). Anyway, as she gives me the cd that she went back to get, she tells me "this is the mix cd that I made for you three years ago, the day before I asked you out." No joke. Then (I'm not sure if she was serious or joking about this) she said that she wanted to "see my face as I listened to each song."

Creepy enough for you? Not for me! So, we are all sitting in the living room (grandparents, sister, girl, Matthew) and she asks if she can talk to me in private. She takes me upstairs and says something to this effect "Well, I feel like we both really connect, and I hope that you feel it too...because well, even though we don't really know each other well, and we live kind of far apart, I think that we should....well, I think that we should go out. I know people say that long distance relationships don't generally work. I am willing to try it if you are though!" *insert my dumbfounded face here*...Awkward situations gone wild.

Like that wasn't bad enough, I couldn't remember her name. At all. Horrible person? Yea. That's me. I had to ask my Grandad after words...For those of you who care, it was Jenifer.
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Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas guys...

Christmas post... someone had to do it.

First (turn up your speakers)And then show this to your mothers :P

ok ... (to the tune of Joy to the World)

Joy to the world the ham is done
the yams fell on the floor!
It's really nothing new,
the taters taste like glue.....
but we've green bean casserole
oh we've green bean casserole
green bean grean bean cass-er -ole!

Joy to the world it's present time
It never is quite fair...
I always get quite pissed
they never read my list...
oh look, grandma's found the wine
oh no! grandma's found the wine
sweet heavens! sweet heavens, she's found the wine!

Hope you all had a wonderful and fun Christmas...
♥ Vampi
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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Pirate Version of "My Favourite Things"

You know that one song in "Sound of Music"? This is the pirate version. Enjoy.

Raindrops on hookers and rum in large bottles
Full-loaded pistols and some more rum all around
Some fine naked wenches tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

A large unarmed merchant ship brimming with gold
An old map that leads to treasures untold
A fine feathery parrot that also sings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls without dresses who like to drink whiskey
It also helps if they’re a tad frisky
A pirate armada that frightens kings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the navy attacks
When I’ve got syphilis
When I am amrooned
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

(repeat as necessary)
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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Silly, silly, silly

Another conversation from AIM. I think James and I spend too much time together...yes, we were talking about bishop at the beginning!

DrtyLb8 (9:46:31 PM): hmm. But I haven't heard of him having a normalish one.
funnyguy3993 (9:47:01 PM): It was like...damn, I can't remember
funnyguy3993 (9:47:06 PM): I'll ask him later
DrtyLb8 (9:47:10 PM): silly*
funnyguy3993 (9:47:19 PM): Silly...
funnyguy3993 (9:47:22 PM): Darn
DrtyLb8 (9:47:29 PM): Silly is totally an exclamation
DrtyLb8 (9:47:36 PM): Silly! God silly it!
funnyguy3993 (9:47:46 PM): Go silly yourself!
DrtyLb8 (9:47:50 PM): ouch
DrtyLb8 (9:47:51 PM): that's harsh
DrtyLb8 (9:47:58 PM): I'll go put on my clown boots and wig
funnyguy3993 (9:48:06 PM): That's amazing
DrtyLb8 (9:48:10 PM): that will now be a terrible euphemism for fucking
funnyguy3993 (9:48:11 PM): I'm gunna have to start using it
funnyguy3993 (9:49:06 PM): You are a total silly, now stop it and go silly yourseelf before I stick this silly gun up your silly!
DrtyLb8 (9:49:29 PM): i put on my robe and wizard hat
DrtyLb8 (9:50:08 PM): oh, do you not get that allusion...nevermind
funnyguy3993 (9:50:19 PM): I should go back to one of Jacks previous posts and edit evry cuss word with silly.
funnyguy3993 (9:52:00 PM): Silly Silly Some Godsilly silly Silly. There once was a jolly lad called Spunky. Now, you may be asking your darling little selves, "Why would Spunky's mommy and daddy call him 'Spunky' after the stork brought him?" Well, first off, babies are made when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, or when a daddy pays a mommy some money and forgets a silly, or when a daddy has uncontrollable urges and steals a mommy, or if two mommies love each other and get some silly.
DrtyLb8 (9:52:40 PM): condom and sperm are not cuss words
funnyguy3993 (9:52:51 PM): They can if I decide them to be
DrtyLb8 (9:54:29 PM): okay...I'm going to bed...see you tomorrow.
DrtyLb8 (9:54:34 PM): MORE FINALS WOO
DrtyLb8 (9:54:59 PM): greek, non homo love for you.
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Top Ten: Humans

A list of the top ten human beings.

10. Kyle Bishop
An amazing comedian and future president.
9. Will Smith
Actor by day, BAMF by night. Actually, he's always a BAMF.
8. Freddie Mercury
7. Jimmy Wales
Wikipedia creator. Well, Richard Stallman and Larry Sanger helped.
6. Randall Munroe
xkcd creator. There's nothing really to explain here.
5. Galileo Galilei
Ooh, now we're getting to the good ones. Astronomer and all-around BAMF.
4. Garth Brooks
Best singer in the history of ever. Sorry, Freddie.
3. Queen Victoria
(Formerly) the most influential woman in the world. Now dead.
2. Stephen T. Colbert
Comedian, actor, lover. My inspiration. Not much to say here.
1. Brian Williams
Have you ever heard his voice? He's an angel in newscaster form.
Complain away.
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Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A Penny for My Thoughts, now hand over the fucking cash

Since nobody is posting anything interesting, I'll leave you all with this:

If this diagram were accurate, pirates would be amazing at solving Rubik's cubes. You see, it's the motivation that really makes the difference (pirates like boobs, no bra=direct boobage, rubik's cube makes it happen). That is all.
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HAH! I don't care what you think.

I'm bored, and I'm laughing my rear end off. So I don't care what you think.

Sooo, just a few minutes ago I was listening to Delilah on 106.3. For those of you who don't know about this women, she is the biggest romantic ever. She is always listening to peoples love problems and then making little comments. Anyway, she never has anything mean to say...ever, and she is really annoying. I was about to change it, but I really liked the song that was playing, so I didn't. Anyway, she gets back on, and I was playing tetris, so I didn't have a choice but to listen her spiel.

This was her speech "Well, I just want all of you to get the most out of life, because at any moment, anything can change in an instant. You can be sitting there thinking that everything is going great, then suddenly something horrible happens. You don't see the drunk driver coming down the lane. Or you are doing great, and you don't mean to drop your baby down 4 flights of stairs"

Sad part is, that I didn't get to hear the next two horribly tragic things, because I started laughing soooo hard. I lost my game of tetris, and I just sat there and laughed. I don't think it's because what she said was THAT funny, but the way she said it. It was suppose to make people feel better, and OH MAN, does she know how to make me feel better. *whew, glad that's off my chest*
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Sunday, December 7, 2008

Another late conversation... Uhh...well, for those of you who remember this joke...

DrtyLb8 (9:51:59 PM): We should create a iusedtobeawoman or
DrtyLb8 (9:52:23 PM): it shouldn't cost too much
funnyguy3993 (9:52:26 PM): I clicked on the I gunna be scared?
DrtyLb8 (9:52:32 PM): doesn't exist.
funnyguy3993 (9:52:34 PM): HAH! there is nothing there
DrtyLb8 (9:52:54 PM): We should make one...and put up pictures of completely normal women and say "DO YOU THINK SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL"
DrtyLb8 (9:52:58 PM): "YOU SHOULD SEE HER PENIS"
DrtyLb8 (9:53:11 PM): this is going to get posted on the blog again
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Thursday, December 4, 2008

You guys are boring.

Normally I try not to post two times in a row, but you guys are bringing me to this. Two posts in two weeks is weak. Weak. Weak Sauce.

I would have said something more...blunt and vulgar, but I'm trying to cut back. Yay for maturity. So, I'm trying to figure out what to post about. The only thing I can think of to talk about I can't really talk about. All I can say is that James, I hate you with an incredible passion that you can't even realize. Can't even come close to it. Sooo...Ger...I feel like cussing. I feel like screaming. I feel like bike riding, and I can't even do that. Snow, well and darkness. I've gone biking in darkness plenty of times before though. The cold might also be a set back. I think it's 8 degrees. Shit I hate certain aspects of life. And James. I'll finish this later when I'm in a better mood.

I'm back. Not in a better mood, but I'm back. I decided I would talk about my week. More specifically, my ability to distract teachers. It started in Physics on Tuesday. We have 5-6 things to do in there, and we barely finished 2. Barely. The next period was Euro, and we have 6 things written up on the agenda board. the first one was take a quiz. The quiz takes 15 minutes on any normal day. We distracted out teacher so bad ("does your cats name have historical significance?" "Who built the first boats" "Where do babies come from?"...not even kidding, all questions we asked her) the we managed to take the quiz, and that's it. TRULY it. Then I had English, and it's way to easy to distract Mr. Treece. So, first period the next day I have German. Frau was suppose to give us a test that comes in three parts. Normally we can get a test done in 1 day EASILY. We didn't start til half way through, and then we got her talking about the people she used to annoy when she was like 8. A really boring, but long story. We only got one part of the test done. Mr. Anderson, in math, distracts himself. We'll be talking about sine graphs and he'll be like "so the sine graphs look like this...Oh, that reminds me of a story. Have I told you guys about the time my high school girl friend dated my Math teacher?" "NO! Let's hear all about it! It sounds funny." I'm sorry I told you my stupid long story. If anyone actually reads this far, then not only am I impressed, but also sad. Well...not any more sad then I already was, but equally sad.
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Monday, November 24, 2008

Interesting things happen late at night

This was a conversation between James and I as we neared 10:45p.m. Not uber late, but late enough for the following to happen. I am funnyguy3993, James is DrtyLb8 (I know that was hard to figure out, but I thought I would help)

funnyguy3993 (10:53:03 PM): You should ask someone out sometime.

funnyguy3993 (10:53:11 PM): Whats the worse that could happen?

DrtyLb8 (10:53:16 PM): rejection

funnyguy3993 (10:53:19 PM): Wrong

DrtyLb8 (10:53:25 PM): public humiliation?

funnyguy3993 (10:54:03 PM): The worst would be if she falls in love with you, you grow up together, you get married, then she decides after 15 eyars that she hates you, so she kicks you out. Then you live in your car for the rest of your life.

funnyguy3993 (10:54:16 PM): years*

DrtyLb8 (10:54:19 PM): wow, you're good at this

DrtyLb8 (10:54:30 PM): you should volunteer at a suicide hotline or something

funnyguy3993 (10:54:32 PM): Making people feel good?

funnyguy3993 (10:54:38 PM): It's my specialy

funnyguy3993 (10:54:44 PM): specilty*

funnyguy3993 (10:54:49 PM): speacialty...

funnyguy3993 (10:54:53 PM): Keep trying!

DrtyLb8 (10:54:58 PM): You'd be like "Well, if you're standing there with the rope around your neck, you might as well go ahead and do it!"

DrtyLb8 (10:55:03 PM): speciality

DrtyLb8 (10:55:06 PM): no shit

DrtyLb8 (10:55:08 PM): specialty

DrtyLb8 (10:55:37 PM): "You've gotten this far, don't back down now!"

funnyguy3993 (10:55:41 PM): "Hey dude, it's ok. Just pull the trigger, and all your problems go away!"


funnyguy3993 (10:57:22 PM): "Ok, now make sure that you hold the needle steady, or else the shot wont be lethal....damn that would be embarrassing"

DrtyLb8 (10:57:42 PM): "I don't think that was enough pills."

DrtyLb8 (10:57:48 PM): "Get some more down there."

funnyguy3993 (10:58:08 PM): I like that one. . That wasn't enough pills

funnyguy3993 (10:58:33 PM): "That's a stupid way to kill yourself! {insert suicide method here] is a much cleaner way to go."

DrtyLb8 (10:59:31 PM): "Look, the best way to do it is to hang yourself AND drown at the same time."

DrtyLb8 (10:59:37 PM): "I don't know how it's done."

DrtyLb8 (10:59:46 PM): "The only guy that tried sadly died in the attempt."

DrtyLb8 (10:59:55 PM): "But seriously, that's how to do it."

funnyguy3993 (10:59:55 PM): I heard about it once a book. It's definitely possible

funnyguy3993 (11:00:24 PM): Anyway, now that this whole chat needs to be screenied and framed

DrtyLb8 (11:00:44 PM): and now that the NSA is watching both of us

DrtyLb8 (11:00:47 PM): HAIL BIN LADEN

DrtyLb8 (11:01:02 PM): actually, they probably are now.

DrtyLb8 (11:01:06 PM): that was stupid.

funnyguy3993 (11:01:24 PM): Both of us are good christian gentlemen!

DrtyLb8 (11:01:33 PM): Hell-o! We voted McCain!

funnyguy3993 (11:01:46 PM): YES! McCain Palin ticket.

DrtyLb8 (11:02:03 PM): Palin '12!

The idiocy continued for like half in hour in this fashion. Great fun.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Okay, Thanksgiving Break is coming up, ladies. NINE DAYS OF NONSTOP ACTION! I need everyone to post when they will not be available to party so we can start setting up some ACTION PLANS.

As for me, I won't be able to party Monday through Thursday, because I have stuff going on Tuesday morning through Thursday (orthodontist appointment, piebaking, etc.) Read the full article.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


I'm not sure what I'm going to write about. I wanted to write a short story or something, but I just don't feel into it. We'll start typing and see where it gets us.

Well, I am obviously sitting at my computer. My homework is sitting next to me. It isn't done (that's stupid, I would never start my homework until long after I'm spose to be in bed). I can hear the T.V. on downstairs. The one my parents/sister listen to at 34/40 volume. I generally try to keep the colume at around 16 when I watch it. I hope to still be able to hear when I'm 20. Obviously I'm listening to music. Nothing to abrupt, just listening to someone scream about his balls. His dances, you pervs. Actually, he is talking about his testicles. Apparently the Broncos are losing their game against the Patriots. Suprise. Oh, now I'm listening to a diffrent band scream about wanting to go home because he is drunk. I know, I don't get the coralation either. The bag pipes are the only thing that keeps that band together. I need something to do between 3-8 on mondays and tuesdays or I will go completly insane. I swear it. SOOO bored. I can't go to the Y, because my rents refuse to let me go. I can't get a job, because they don't think I can keep my grades up if I get a job. I can't do any more clubs (go ahead, try to guess the reason). I get enough homework to keep me busy most nights for about 3 hours...but I get most of it done in classes, and what I don't get done I wasn't going to do anyway. This is probably long enough. I may or may not decide to post it. I'll probly just let it rot in the drafts section.

If you have any unclaimed drafts, like Matt's here, finish them up or delete them. Read the full article.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The Penis Game

I probably shouldn't still enjoy playing it in the middle of class. By the way, what follows is a you-had-to-be-there synopsis of a humorous situation. By that I mean, you will not find this funny.

But I feel I have to share.

In Spanish today, Emily and I started playing the penis game about an hour into the class. I don't remember who initiated. I do remember that nobody protested, and it just went penis...penis...PENIS...PENIS...penis...penis...PENIS! Then we collapsed into laughter.

Julian turned around and said "Que? O! Penis!" More laughter. Then Jack said "penis!" and I managed to cough out in my laughing fit "PENIS!", before I slumped over the side, crying in laughter.

Senora Gutierrez was TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS. Didn't care. At all. She was just helping other kids with laptops find the websites we were researching at.

Then Madeleine Miles, who is now quite possibly my favorite person ever, looked over, immediately looked straight ahead as though she was working on her laptop, and, just as I righted myself and coughed and got back to work, said "Penis" in a clear, loud voice. And I immediately convulsed again.

I would like to re-emphasive that Senora Gutierrez didn't care about the eruption of laughter taking place in the corner of her room. Until we all started screaming PENIS! Then we got marked down for participation that day, not because we were screaming PENIS in her classroom, but because we said it in English. (She's so cool...)

Immediately following that was a classwide penis game, but in Spanish. "pene. Pene. Pene! PENE. PENE!"
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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Votes Are Cast....

...tallied and sorted. The next American President IS....

VAMPI! Yes, it's true. Vampi is now to be known as "that idiot girl who's running the country". Now for her speech.
From here on out... everyone and I mean EVERYONE, must have cake for breakfast. It may start a new, 'healthy cake' movement, but it will be so because I, Vampi, decree it. Children will be allowed to play in the streets again. Less homework will be given out and recess will return to all schools! Good, decent morals will be instilled into our children, children of ALL ages. No more will there be idiotic, greedy, vain people teaching our children what life is about. NO! We'll teach our people, the American People, to live again. To find what life is really about. Stock markets? PAH, who needs stocks when there's lemonade and hot cocoa stands! Sky-high gas prices? No more! Who needs gas when there's rollar skates, bicycles and the ever present FEET! Don't have feet? Well... that's where motorized scooters come in to brighten EVERYONE's days. Obesity will be demolished!

Yeah... the campaign was a load of crock. We'll see what Obama's got. If he does good for the country, yay, if he doesn't I blame the American People.

Save the whales! >.> or just the shrimp..
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Monday, November 3, 2008

Wait there is a sidewalk

Summary - Spain owns

Yes we do

ever wondered about this --> Read the full article.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Another party already?

Yes we are having another party. I know what your thinking "Aren't you guys having to many parties?"


Anyway, so the party is at Sean's house (we hope that's ok, because it's happening whether it's ok or not). either Tony of Marc is bringing rock band (we hope that's ok, because it is happening whether it's ok or not), and everyone is coming (we hope that's ok, because it is happeneing wehter it is ok or not). Friday night, this week. Over night. We have monday and tuesday of next week off, so it is ok!!! YAY! This is the first of 2-3 parties we will have next weekend. Oh, Kappa betta is the next day. We'll work it out though.
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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Marc's Pagan Party

Marc's address is

365 Rangely Drive
American Town, American State AMERICAN NUMBERS

The party will be from 6:30 to an undefined time.

We will trick-or-treat and return to his house for some Rock Band. Perhaps Rock Band 2, or Halo 3, or algo algo.

ANY QUESTIONS: REFER TO: Not me, because that's all I know. Read the full article.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Psuedo halloween party

The day after Halloween (November first), is a Saturday. Do we have plans?

Sure. Maybe. Quite possibly a possibility. I *might* be able to have a movie watching party. You know, where we put in a movie, then talk through the whole move. Standard procedure. We only actually watch the movie if it is a good part, or if we need to start mocking. Anyway, Saturday. My house. Yea, I know it sounds like a falseness (because my parents would never let me do something fun...especially not at my own house), but I think they have finally realized that I am the good kid! So anyway, that's still only a maybe. Ya know, because any little thing could set that off. Invite everyone. By that I mean a bunch of people. Please don't bring everyone. Read the full article.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

One day after knowledgebowl

This is the only truly funny thing that I could think of from today, so I'm writing it.

Well, today I went to knowledge bowl, like any other wednesday after school. We had like 4 new people today, which is strange. Anyway, afterword I was waiting with Jack so he would give me a ride home (which he never did because his mom came and was going to pick up his sister-long story, not important). Now the slightly funny part of the story (Don't worry I'm getting there) is when one of the new kids from knowledge bowl is sitting across from the flag from us. I (being a nice social person) decide to see what he's like/whether or not he will be coming back to knowledge bowl with us. "Hey, do you plan on coming to knowledge bowl again in the future?" Standard greeting for new members of knowledge bowl. He takes this as in invitation to share his life story. And laugh like a stupid person. He starts by telling us that all his friends smoke pot. What nerd doesn't want to hear about that? This kid is pretty much my new best friend because of that information...not. Well, I don't judge people (I'm not my mother), so I was gunna give him another chance. What does he do? Tells us about more pot smoking buddies/girlfriends of his. Sounds like a great guy. He then precedes to reach into his coat and, No joke, pull out a harmonica. *I think to myself...please please God, if you love me, he wont play it* He blew into it. I got my wish. He did not PLAY it, because that insinuates that there is some sort of musical quality. He would just blow into it ever 7 seconds or so. Up and down the "scale" (I hesitate to call it that, because it sounds so...musical). I then left because I didn't want to hang out with this awkward, pot smoking, harmonacaist. Sorry Jack, I still love you, but I don't love you that much.
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Friday, October 17, 2008

Party (version Bishop.0)

During Party Details:
Tired. James and Marc asleep, so I'm dicking around on the computer. 4:44 AM (no lie.)

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Scorched Earth
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Monday, October 13, 2008

An angry letter to the editor

Bishop, if this were a newspaper, you would be considered the editor. We wouldn't sell any papers, but that is a different post.

I named my post at least a little bit not random. Whos proud of me. Nobody. Fresey stole my thing, so now I don't have anything. I need to switch back to the picture of the cucomber to retain my personal identity. Great. *cough* take away his posting rights *cough* He hasn't earned them. Every post is something about the game, which is rather anoying. By rather I mean pretty god damn fucking. By that I mean go die in a fire Alex. You know I love you, but man, call me one more time to tell me you lost the game and there will be serious repercutions. Shit, now I am starting to sound like my mother. "Come here right now or there will be serious repercutions young man!" "what are you going to do to me?" *innocent face goes on now* "I havn't decided yet, but you wont like it"...I'll stop now, because that sounded too phallic. To some my post up, I think I'll say this: Death is a tragic thing and I can make it look like an accident. Me to a police officer "He hit his head on that shovel on accident"; "Seven times sir?"; "Yea! He went completly crazy! He couldn't help himself!!!" *thus begins the tears*; "So, what about those knife marks? Looks like he was stabbed"; "He fell on a knife a few times too"; "A few times?"; "Ok, so 29 and a half times"; "...and a half".
For my last bit, I will show a picture that I edited and that I love. In a different way then what is portrayed here, but I think you get the idea.

Read the full article.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

My "Look"

So over the past few years, my "look" has kinda stagnated. I can't have that, so on Friday, when we don't have school, I'm completely switching it up. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how my "look" will change, so I'm asking YOU, the most irresponsible people I know (besides Marc Udall) what I should do. So basically, your options are my hair (sadly), my glasses, and anything else that's relatively helpful. So that's about it, unless of course I think of something else. Oh, I almost forgot, shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits. Read the full article.

Peeping Tom's Got NOTHING On Me

I got bored... what can I say...
Warning: This post may be unsuitable and possibly harmful for younger audiences. Reader discretion is advised. Possible, but temporary, side effects include, but are not limited to; Bleeding of the eyes, insomnia, constipation, dizziness, shortness of stature, pain in the neck and posterior, and in rare cases death.

Alright, like I said, I got bored. Since Bishibosh over there keeps pestering me to post I guess I might aswell attempt to create funniness while the pain that is just above my ass slowly gets worse and worse.

So, I was stalking the site and decided to go look at ya'll's profiles. Yeah, I was THAT bored. Me, being the bitchy one that decided to take a humorous yet cynical look into the people that so inhabit this blog.

So... who to start with. -shuffles things around on the desk and opens and closes drawers randomly-
Ahh yes how about... LARRY! Yes Larry shall do.
Gay, gay, gay, homo, fruity, flamboyant, yeah GAY. Oh... wtf is cheese boxing? All I can imagine is two cheese sticks with a couple strings pulled half way down for arms. They'd be like... YO Muthafucka! Did you eat my homie!? Yeah! Yeah! I bet you did you mozzerella piece of crap! I know why too son! Its cuz I'm CHEDDAR isnt it!? Yeah that's right foo. Us cheddars got it rough yo! Yeah. Yeah. Walk away foo. You know you ain't got flava to back up that wrappa.
Yeah I'm done.. >,< OK, next up is.... umm.. right. My Liberal friend there James...(I think, I'm still bad with names) You. You have good taste in music. But... no Godsmack? Ugh. Failure. And seriously? Indiana Jones? You totally know that's all bullshit stuff. I mean, come on, Harrison Ford may be good, but he's not THAT good. You know what I wanna see? I wanna see Sean Connery actually bound and gagged and being slowly lowered down into the pit of doom of your choice. And then! The chick lady come to the rescue and cuts his rope and then they both fall into the pit of doom and then the movie's over. Yush... excellent.... Ohhh Seeeeeaaaaaaaannnnnn. Yeah, time for your torture by Vampi. <3 You have great taste in books! Oh the glories of Dragonlance. But, you seem to be missing a good series or two. They aren't Dragonlance BUT they're very similar and you'd enjoy them. Look up the Belgariad series and the Mallorean series, both by David Eddings. I know I couldn't come up with anything to critique really. This comment is no more. It has ceased to be. THIS IS AN EX-COMMENT! And now for something completely different... Bish... I know you're reading Bish. I'm watching. THEY are watching. Right, you're up. You know.. simply based on your profile HERE, one might assume you're boring. So.. I'll spice it up a bit. Bishopk Interests - Making fun of James, and Larry, and Sean, and Jack, annnnd sometimes Vampi. Also likes long walks on the beach followed by a nice relaxing game of Tetris. Favorite Music - Flight of the Conchords, Vampi singing like a goat, Garth Brooks, Hurly's redition of "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor Favorite Books - Artemis Fowl, I Am America(And So Can You!), the works of Immanuel Kant (Philosapher) Yeah, SEE! I DO pay attention... sometimes... Livetrapper. I dont even know your name... Corn Guy I suppose you shall be dubbed. Seriously... Veggie Tales?! How old are ya kid? Geez. I think the last time I saw a Veggie Tales video... I was 7. Are you 7? Are you some strange 7-year-old agricultural mastermind who stumbled upon some mutated form of pesticide and it made you age 6-7 years? -sniffles and stiffles a sob- Were you... were you a victim of the Killer Tomatos?!? -burst out in tears of pity and laughter- Jack. Jack you butt plundering feind! You are next. Ground control to Major Jack! Yes... yes... This may just be me, but you seem to be slightly stuck in the past. Pirates... musical classics... hmm.. Yes. I think you're from the past. You must have been experimenting with some strange kind of black powder to make the cannons be clean after they fired or something and you somehow exploded yourself into the future. Yep... that's probably how it was done. (I know I'm lame but yeah I'm getting tired.) VAMPI's TURN!!! You are a sexy beast. Yes, you are! But, you were an idiot and messed up your back. How on earth does a 17 year-old, who does absolutely NOTHING all day long, herniate a disk in her back? It's unfathomable. Honestly woman! You're supposed to be youthful, strong, active! And you've been deminished to a pile of BLAH! You pitiful wreck. So. All in all, I think this was a good post. Informative, sarcastic, mean. Yup, that's it. Comment all you want you bastards! I WON'T STAND DOWN! I WILL SURVIVE! I WILL SURVIVE! Hey Hey! -discos into the other room-

Bishop's note: This post temporarily destroyed the blog. Close your span tags, people! Read the full article.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

palin 4 president

ich bin ein berliner

deutch ist sehr gut und fun. ich bin sehr houbsh. herr hose's harr is nicht sharde. herr heim ist sehr schick und fesch en er's tragen. herr bishopk is eine nicht gut film. ja, er ist eine film. was kommest du? ich kommen eine auto zur der schule. meine deutch ist nicht gut. das ist all.

p.s. i hope nobody but hose speaks german Read the full article.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

I love this song!!! It's my JAM!

Well, this is my tribute to the past posts in this blog. I have just gone through and read EVERY POST ever on this blog. And no, I don't have a life. Go ahead and read through the best ones (the ones I picked out). Keep in mind, sometimes a post isn't funny just because of what was written, but the response to what was written. These are in order based on date, and no, none of these were picked from after July, because we have failed since then in my opinion. -Still love this post a lot! -much better then the original DTR -Amazing. pure and simple. -This was written while I was at Bishops house, and it's funny. -A work of literary genius. The cuss words and use of disgustingness are insightful to us all. -We never really knew about Bishops love affair until this post. True knowledge can hurt. -This isn't funny at first sight, but then remember that James was never actually employed. He was fired before he even started working!!! What a gay.
Read the full article.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

The Spore Chronicles Pt. 1

A continuing story about a typical Spore game, filled with occasionaly humour and saturated with profanity. And if ONE person comments in the form of a haiku, I will tear your spleen out through your throat.

Alright, let's do this. Cell Stage, you will become my bitch. *click click click click* Let's do this shit. Alright, meteor theory, that works. YES, I am pink blob. Damn. Oh well. Let's eat some plants. Lalalalalala. Oh look, spikes. That will surely kill everything I meet with no effort. Aha, now I can mate. Let's see some blob fucking.........what?! You sing a song then lay an egg? I WANT BLOB PORN!!!! Fuck! Hmm, let's add a few spikes......very some tentacle things.....Awesome. Fuck, it's still pink. Oh well. Eat eat eat. AHHH! OMYGODOMYGODOMYGODIT'SAGIANTSQUIDOFDEATHRUNAWAYRUNAWAY*death*FUCK!!! Well that sucked. Aha, a new start. FUCKIT'STHEGIANTSQUIDOFDEATHAGAINLEAVEMEALO*death*FUCK!!! Alright, another go........avoid the giant thing.......aha, I've grown bigger! SUCK IT SQUID!! Let's eat some green shit......What? New giant things? Fuck!....*death*.....aha, I'm half way through. *zap* Fucking electric things *cough* fucking poison things *shriek, death* fucking everything!! AHHHH!!! I HATE THIS GAME!!! But I must beat it. *death* Swimswim SWIIIIIIMMM!!! FUCK!!! *death* WHY CAN'T YOU SWIM FASTER YOU GAY PINK CUNT!!!! Yes! Almost done! Woohoo!.....what's with the caviar? Oh, they spawn little things. They can't kill-FUCK!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! *death* Damnit, there were like 50 of 'em. Aaaaaaaaaaaand*death*FUCK I DIED!!!! YES!!! YES!!!!! I CAN EVOLVE!!! SUCK IT BIT...*death*...FUCK I DIED AGAIN!!!! But who cares! On to.....creature stage. That must be tons easier, right? Read the full article.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Stock Market Drop?

A somewhat ignorant man approaches a jury on behalf of himself

I come to you today, not as a lawyer, or a judge, but simply a man asking; nay, begging for his freedom. Did I ruin the lives of 18 people? Yea, but every single one of those people DESERVED to die. Take Jonathon Kringle for instance. He came at me with a knife. I don't completely blame him (because I had just killed his wife) but maybe next time he'll think twice before trying to attack me. Those 174 rounds in the face will teach him. Next example is Jany Hoops. She thought that just because she was a police officer, she suddenly has the right to stop me from beating the hell out of a hobo. "Oh, hobos have rights too," SHUT UP! God dammit, all these new rules about not beating up minorities and children. When did our society fall this far down the tubes? Just throw our whole fucking country down the toilet.......*a short time later* In conclusion you better find me not guilty, or my kill count will start going up. Will I kill you? No. I will kill your wives and children. Then I will cut off your fingers, then you arms and legs, then take a potato peeler to your head until you cry for your mothers. That is why I believe you guys should not find me guilty of cruel or unusual methods of manslaughter. That is all.
Read the full article.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Hey, funny stuff plz

Since there haven't been enough funny posts lately, I feel as though we might be alienating our fan base. Dave the Reaper will be coming in September, I promise.

Jeff Robertson was eight years old when he first killed. A tribe of Ral'dark had sprung a trap on his family as they traversed the desert, and it was his duty to save his parents from becoming food. He did not do so.
His brother, P. Dackle Robertson, famed adventurer and door-to-door salesman, heard the news from a passing butterfly and managed to reach the tribe just as his older brother began his attack. P. Dackle, always the hero, kept his brother from foolishly attacking a rival clan, while simultaneously sending psychic strikes to their leader's mind.
This act made Jeff pretty angry. He wanted to be the hero for once! He punched P. Dackle in the chest and raced into the forest. P. Dackle had no time for silly games, so he searched out the tribe leader to put an end to the fighting and win back his parents.
P. Dackle wagered his life for his parents in a game of ChessX. The Ral'dark won, and P. Dackle was tied to a tree and taunted. Jeff returned to see the tribe in chaos. Each member thought he or she was entitled to an entire left flank, while the leader kept them all for himself. In anger, Jeff Robertson killed the entire Ral'dark tribe with his mind.
He then ate his parents. Somehow, P. Dackle Robertson escaped, and is looking to avenge the death of his parents. If you know anything about Jeff Robertson, call (719) 994 - 8655.
Read the full article.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Saturday, September 27, 2008

4th Place

We got 4th place at the very first FRKB meet...which is a lot better than what I expected. This after a late night Rock Band sesion! And if Sean had been there we might have done even better.

Go Rams! kinda. Read the full article.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Guns N Roses: Oh sweet child of mine

Well, if this week was any worse, it would be last week.
My whole week is dragging by REALLY slow. Yesterday shoulda been a friday. My teachers finaly decided to start giving me homework. That wouldn't be so bad, but they all decided at once. I am a horrible procrastinater so I end up sitting here late at night typing essays and finding emperical formuals. Ya know, stuff I'v been doing since I was in seventh grade. It's not that any of the work is hard, it just takes a long time. Is A.P. Euro a hard class? NO but I spend on average like 2 hours working on Ap euro homework. That is if I don't have an essay and 6 additional paragraphs due tomorrow that I have hardly started on. Whoops. I also have physics stuff (that wont take too long though). Plus I'm sposed to read a chapter in a book (with notes on symobols and sticky note stupids), Anatote (no spelling sudgestions) a poem, and...Well thats all that I have due tomorrow. But then the next day comes.
Anyway, can't wait for the weekend. Tony said he might be hosting a party for after knowledge bowl, and hopefully I can sleep in on Sunday. Oh Glorious sleep, how I long for your loving embrace!
Last but not least, I need a club on Mondays. Any of you squares go to an afterschool club on mondays from like...Idk 2:30 ish to 4 ish? That would be nice. I love you all with a fire passion that burns with desire like a million gillion suns. Except James. Your hair scares my desire (the one that burns like a million gillion suns) into a courner at the south east part of the room. It doesn't even look like hair anymore. Your hiding my light so the rest of the world can't experiance it. That is the reason that everyone considers you a dick. Lol, j/k.

There are plenty of other reasons to call James a dick.
Read the full article.

Quick! Part 1

Quick! is my new series of really lame, 30 second observations. Today: Sean.

Sean Rivera, apparently in a relationship with Mindy Feng. We all know that Sean is the woman in this relationship. Everyone who has seen them together can tell that Sean flinches erratically when Mindy reaches for his neck or (especially) his knee.
Sean Rivera: Mindy's Bitch, America's Hero.
Read the full article.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

This Week

I promised to make my liberalness funny. That is a goal that is out of reach for the moment, because I'm too arrogant. (Note to self: Work on this.) However, I can make the news funny, or at least post interesting/ridiculous/stupid headlines or sections of stories, which you guys can then make fun of. I can also do this weekly. As such:

*fanfare* THIS WEEK... IN NEWS: *fanfare dies down abruptly*


1) Bush Chides Russia in UN Speech ( This is a major step for George. He has now committed to traveling, possibly via car, to New York City, speak with foreign dignitaries, and "chide" aggressive powers that destabilize the world. [fake] He plans to "chide" Iran, the insurgency in Iraq, and "especially" Grenada in the months to come. When asked to comment, the President said "I was chided as a child by my mother, and it sure done me good, so I'll plan to chide some ... destabilizing... regimes." [/fake] [true] Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, fired at George Bush by calling him a "bully" (, He also went back to his standard stump speech, saying that Israel is "doomed".[/true]

2) Large Pushy Pig Traps Australian ( I'll let the lead paragraph speak for itself. "A woman on the north coast of New South Wales in Australia is being held hostage in her own home by a large pig, Australian media report." No further comment.

3) Some Congolese See Hope in a Cauldron of Liquid Fire ( I don't think I even need to make a joke about how that's the only place to find hope in the Congo.

4) Google's Android Has Phone Debut via T-Mobile ( ...Google is going to kill all of us. First a search engine. Then a mail system. Then an internet browser. Now a phone. The next logical step is nuclear weapons. WE CANNOT ALLOW THEM TO GO THAT FAR.

Finally, 5) Talk of Kim Jong Il's Reported Stroke is Taboo in North Korea ( Apparently, Kim Jong Il (may have) suffered a stroke. The problem is, if he dies, he hasn't named a successor, so...the whole police state could collapse in on itself. And scare China. And South Korea. And Japan. Because they have nukes. Oops, I forgot to tell a joke!

That's all for This Week. I'm your host, a liberal. (At least I'm not a BOULDER LIBERAL.)
Read the full article.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


So before, Russia was invading Georgia and threatening to kill everybody. But since Russia is now a total pussy, they've done absolutely nothing except go back to their country and sit there, being cold. But now's another chance for us all to die!

Right, so first off, the LHC thing. Yes, we've already talked about this, but I don't give a fucking cock cunt bitch ass piss shit twat assfuck (in that exact order). But it was only a test, so it could still kill everybody. Ooh, and some janitor said one of the cooling units broke, but he siad this a week after they tested it. So who knows if it's gonna fall apart. Considering the LHC's function, it being broken could be bad. Probably not, but fuck you. Then there's the stock market dying, which isn't good. The government is trying to save it by sinking lots of money into it because money solves everything, but it will probably fail, the stock market will crash permanently, and we'll cause an economic spiral that will take out everybody's economy. This will cause desperate times, and desperate times call for desperate measures, usually involving guns, so the world's governments will collapse under mass rebellion. Sweet anarchy will reign, global warming will stop being cared about, we'll get into a waterworld situation, and pirates will rule the world. But we'll still all be dead. Very dead. Read the full article.

Friday, September 19, 2008


Go here. Read the whole article. I promise I won't vent political frustrations in this post. This article is my venting for the whole ... month. This is the best article I've read in months. Years, maybe. Read the full article.

Monday, September 15, 2008

James Fenimore Cooper

I'll start out this post by saying: I am not a homophobe, I'm a gay rapistaphobe. Big diffrence. Normal gay people are fine as long as they don't try to rape me. Or (to put it in james' words) "dick around" after I fall asleep.

Second I would like to repeat possibly the funniest thing I'v heard this week, because I can't resist the urge: Obama said something to the effect of "putting lipstick on a pig doesn't mean it's not a pig." Do I think he was talking about any particular person? I didn't. Untill I heard the proof. This is such strong evidence that nobody could even try to deny it. Here it comes..."Palin is from Alaska, Alaskas second largest city is Fairbanks, Dougless Fairbanks was a silent movie star, stars change Hydrogen to Helium, When you Inhale Helium your voice gets higher, Womens voices are higher then men, and Women wear lipstick!!! Ergo, Obama was clearly refering to Palin when he made his Lipstick comment. Wow, he left a huge fucking hole in his story, didn't he?

Thirdly, because I don't really have much else to say, I'll actualy have to leave the computer and go start to do my homework. I still have Math, German, and Chemistry to do tonight, and it's close to 11 pm. Maybe I'll stay up all night, just because I havn't done it in a considerable amount of time...Oh, except I have surgery tomorrow, so maybe I shouldn't...or maybe thats double the reason I should. I'll have to see how long it takes me to do my homework, ay? Read the full article.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

UnNews: Large Hadron Collider "destroys God by accident"

Because Uncyclopedia is amazing, and I want to start this week off fast:

GENEVA, Switzerland – Concerns that the Large Hadron Collider might destroy the Earth proved unfounded on Wednesday, but scientists warned that they may instead have accidentally destroyed God shortly after powering up the machine.

Detectors in the $10 billion machine recorded a massive outburst of Higgs bosons, nicknamed the "God particle" about 3 seconds into the first experiment. Scientists speculate that God may have accidentally strayed into the high-powered opposing beams of protons the collider generates, and been disintegrated.

"We detected so many Higgs bosons in such a short space of time, there's little chance God could have survived," said Dr Tara Sheers, a particle physicist from the University of Manchester.

Despite the unexpected results from the collider's first day of operations, the public should not be concerned over the safety of the machine, said Professor Jim Vordee, a particle physicist at Imperial College London.

Moreover, today's accident should not greatly impact the world's major religions, he said.

"From the results of today's experiment, we can conclude that while God probably did exist, He probably doesn't now.

"Theologically speaking, this is much the same position we were in on Tuesday. It's ironic that at the very instant that we had scientific evidence of the existence of God, He most probably ceased to exist."

Officials at the organization that operates the collider - the European Organization for Nuclear Research, better known by its French acronym Cern – have yet to make a statement on God's probable destruction.

However, Steve Myars, head of the accelerator and beam department at Cern, said some sort of letter of apology and condolences to the leaders of the world's major religions might be in order.

"We really didn't mean to 'do a Nietzsche' as it were, and kill God, but then again, God's been dead for over three hours now, and things still seem to be going on pretty much as usual in the universe.

"God may have been destroyed, but it's not the end of the world."
Read the full article.

Parties at Tony's House

People slept! And it was organized! What the hell? I'm playing Rock Band with everyone, and all three of them (Tony, Marc, Swett) just get up, pick up their sleeping instruments, and walk over to the couches.

Screw that, I said to myself, and how about some one player games? Practice guitar, play a little Assassin's Creed (which is good, but not great. The overarching storyline makes very little sense, and action-wise it's not that different from Prince of Persia, and just as unrealistic physically), get on the computer, play some Spore (Whoa. That game kicks serious evolutionary ass. It's not really realistic, because you don't really evolve body parts, you just slap them on, but it's still a creative, engaging, very replayable game that I'd highly reccommend to anyone with a good enough rig), and just generally dick around while everyone else was sleeping.

It was a good plan, right up until the morning after. Everyone wakes up, "Woo hoo! Okay, let's start packing up! Oo, muffins!"

I'm sprawled in front of the TV, barely alive, with a half-eaten muffin sitting on my lap, trying not to fall asleep.

All in all a good party that Tony should invite more people for next time.
Read the full article.

Monday, September 8, 2008






Read the full article.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

My trip though memory lane

So, I went hunting. Saterday morning my dad bagged cow. So we through it in the back of my grandpas pickup, dropped it off at the butchers and went home. I had the rest of my weekend to fill, so what did we do?

We went to the scottish highland festival in estes park!!! It's where my mom and sister were already, and since our hunting weekend was over, we joined them. This is how the weekend went....*the screen fuzzzies out and there is some sort of chimes playing*

We walked into the park and listened to some tradetianal scottish music...wait, there is no bass, fiddle, drum set or electric guitar in scottland 1000 ad. Hmmm, somthing is the matter.
We continue our journey past the food tents. Wow, pancakes and surope (sp). Didn't know that came from scottland *cough* it didn't *cough* Oh GOOD! Kilts, that HAD to come from scottla...Fuck, made in china. Surprise! We then preceded to watch a commedy show, where he centered a big portion of his show around a CHINESE yoyo. At least he had red hair, that counts for something. Oh, and he had the best t-shirt ever on. It said "red hair, not nice people".
We listened to a seamus kennedy (scottish name anyway) sing Old Mcdonnald (a really peverted version). We watched Dogs catch frisbies...not from scottland.

In all reality it was mainly a scottish.Irish festival. We watched some cool scottish games....and some other stuff. Then we came home. *and there was much rejoicing because matther got home safe*

Dne. <<<-----It's end backwards *oh shafo, your so clever* Did I over use the *'s? Maybe. NAH! you cant over use *'s. Maybe I should stop typing since I typed dne a while ago. oh well. Read the full article.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I Hate Rush Limbaugh

I don't just hate HIM, obviously. He's a lying, drug-addled, hypocritical douchebag, but he's not the only one. There's a ton of people just like him.

Bill Kristol, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity (especially), Brit Hume, those racists on Fox and Friends, etc.

There's their perpetuation of the myth of the liberal media bias. There is a liberal media, obviously. It's called NPR and PBS. Mainstream, corporate-owned media like ABC, NBC, and CBS isn't heavily biased in one direction or the other (except ABC, being owned by Disney, may lean towards happy endings), and their reporters try to be objective. If certain stories seem liberally biased, then they're very sorry and they're going to have Newt Gingrich on the show tomorrow, and they won't even ask him any questions.

The only person in the media who really tried to honestly debate politicians and media figures was Tim Russert. Even he didn't try to argue with Dick Cheney when he came spouting lies about nuclear bombs and weapons of mass destruction and ties to al-Qaeda. Tim's dead. R.I.P. Other than him, everybody throws softballs in mainstream media.

Shameless hypocrisy. If you saw Wednesday's The Daily Show, I don't have to cover this. And I'll assume you did. Otherwise, I can't reach you.

Inaccuracy and intellectual dishonesty. There's too many cases and I can't cover everything, but the gist of it is, Fox News and talk radio basically employ people to screw with statistics until they become favorable. If they don't, it sure as hell seems like it. For instance, a very small part Sean Hannity's recent tirade against Barack Obama's "negativity" and "denial of the facts" : "unemployment is lower than the average of the past four decades". I hate to insult his intelligence, because then I'm insulting the Irish people.

Let me fix that problem. Sean, I hereby disown you. You're no longer qualified to be Irish. Run to your Saxon lords, you slime. (Actually, Rupert Murdoch is Australian, so that's slightly inaccurate.)

Back to that juicy tidbit - nobody measures how they're doing now to how they were doing forty years ago. Especially not if they weren't in the workforce forty years ago. People compare their present status to how they were doing under the last president or two, and under that standard, Clinton's huge economic successes, which Hannity even denies the existence of, make Bush look like a bumbling idiot who can't count the money he has, let alone the money we owe to other countries.

Believe me, there's other examples. I can't cover everything. All you need is a neoconservative newspaper (I suggest The Weekly Standard), some time, and the internet (along with the skills to recognize trustworthy sites).

You know what? That's enough. I'll rant more later.
Read the full article.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

A central theme follows me in school

I have to ask/tell/anoy some of you with this because I am bored tonight, and can't get to sleep, and because I am bored. Mainly the bored part.

McCain recently chose a Vice President that I personaly belive will *possibly* win him the election. Mainly because I belive he will die 6 months after he gets elected and she will get to take over. *and there was much rejoicing*

Anyway, Palin is from Alaska, which pretty much says she is a republican. Pro-gun anti-abortion. She also has 5 kids. Her oldest is in a military (goes to Iraq at some point) and her youngest has aids or something (it's actualy down syndrum, but who cares). Thats a pretty wide spectrum. She is also a hands on drillin for oil kinda gal, with more experiance then Obama (like thats hard to achieve) but less time in Washington then the no name senater from Deleware (did PA take a dump?) . She is the first Woman to be selected as part of a ticket for the republicans, she hunts, went to a christian school, plays the flute, Plays a mean game of hockey, and essentialy hits most major Republican and lots of Democratic hot spots. About the only people who don't like her are:

Democratic Californians living with their gay lovers who had their legs shot off by crazy abortion hating rublicans. And Moose, which she apparently hunts/eats in hamburgers made from Moose meat. Which doesn't make any sence, but was reported constently anyway. If it is a hamburger then its made with BEEF. You have to call it a Mooseburger is it's made with moose....stupid fucking news reporting doouche hobo gay faggot monkey ball holding stupids. Gosh.
Read the full article.

Converse with me...

"I will gladly pay you tomorrow for a sandwich today!"

"I will gladly pay you today for a sandwich yesterday, smartass."

"Very well. Two dollars!"

"Two dollars? For a time-traveling sandwich? What a bargain!"

(Dave the Reaper 3 some time during September, I promise.)
Read the full article.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I laugh in the face of...your mom

Information on a funny bet precedes. Read on for more information.

Ok, Emily and I are betting about which one finds a bet for homecoming. Her date is being rated for "nerd qualities." More precisly, the lack of them. Essentialy if her date is a nerd then she looses. I need to find a date. Thats it. No actual specifications about my date (inanimate objects might count, who knows), but I will try to find a real, female, not my mom date. I will of cource try to find one in our grade level that people acualy know, but if all else fails I can always try to find some desperate freshman/sophmore. Or my dog. I thought I'd start by (humerously) asking Vampi, then moving on and continuing to look before she gets a chance to say no. Unless she is Bishos alter ego, in which case I might accidently end up going with him...whoops. Read the full article.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Hypothetical Party

Okay, so I was talking to Bish and Jack, and since it's a three day weekend, we decided we have to have a party.

Now, our first choice is Sean's house. If that's not available, Bishop's parents don't mind if we total theirs.

Matt can't make Saturday. So we're planning Friday.

In sum: Sean's house Friday. Does anyone have any problem (for instance, Sean)? Read the full article.

Monday, August 25, 2008


Thats why english sucks.

Anyone ever heard this spelling "rule": 'I' Before 'E' except after 'C'. Oh right, or if there is a word that sounds like an 'A', ya know like neighbor or weigh. Oh wait, but that not true either, because of WEIRD words like WEIRD or Society, or either/neither, science, species, sovereignty, vein, feisty, seize, neighbor, kaleidoscope, sufficient, their, policies, fancied, ancient, glacier, caffeine, being, feisty, height, seismic, heist, seeing, foreign, etc. etc. etc. (I put that there three times for enphaces on how many more words go there). Essentialy, you can't call that a spelling rule anymore. If there are three exceptions, and hundreds of words that brake the rule, then how can you consider it a rule. On top of that...

English is the language with the most homo/synonyms. That means that english computer spell checkers hate us, and have a horrible time trying to truly correct our spellings. That also means that when someone trys to say something, they may (or may not), be trying to say soemthing diffrent. Who really knows. It also gives our English teachers license to make us choose more latin based words (incredible, gnarl, galloped, aroma) to "spice up" our essays and homework, rather then the germanic based words we all love so much (bad, bite, run, catch, smell). Essentialy, your better sticking to a real cut and dry language like german or spanish. Or you could stick to a really nice/romantic sounding one, like French or Italian. Pretty much if you speak English people know your an ignorant pig. The only thing you could do worse, is speak Japanese.

An Ode to the Spelling Chequer
Prays the Lord for the spelling chequerThat came with our pea sea!Mecca mistake and it puts you riteIts so easy to ewes, you sea.
I never used to no, was it e before eye?(Four sometimes its eye before e.)But now I've discovered the quay to successIt's as simple as won, too, free!
Sew watt if you lose a letter or two,The whirled won't come two an end!Can't you sea? It's as plane as the knows on yore faceS. Chequer's my very best friend
I've always had trubble with letters that double"Is it one or to S's?" I'd wineBut now, as I've tolled you this chequer is grateAnd its hi thyme you got won, like mine. Read the full article.


OMFG, an opposition leader is speaker of parliament in Zimbabwe! Mugabe's gotta be pissed.

The link, if you didn't already see it, is I like the BBC, they're pretty accurate and they're not owned by a giant faceless corporate hegemon.

But OMFG, the MDC has the speaker of parliament position! of course, Zanu-PF still controls the Senate, and the Dicta -- cough, Presidency. Still, though, a move for freedom in a country wh --

Oh, two MDC MPs were arrested? Okay, a shuffle for freedom. They're not walking towards it, I guess. Hard to do walk when your legs are bound together. Maybe it's a three legged race for democracy?
Read the full article.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

My Hobby

Shooting insurgents in the balls.

Battlefield 2: The Complete Collection is one of the foremost military simulations available to young, impressionable Americans today. Featuring post-Gulf War era weaponry and vehicles, the fast-paced game forces players to disobey the direct orders of their commanding officers, get shot, and immediately blame their commanding officers.

In short, an absolutely kickass game.

Except, of course, the political situations that supposedly led to war. Seriously, guys? War for oil? The Bush Administration totally bled that plotline dry five years ago. Get more creative! Why not a war for democracy? Nobody's tried that one yet, and I can say that with a straight face because George Bush is a liar, Clinton called his "police actions", Reagan and Bush 41 gave arms to terrorists, not democratic activists, Carter was a pussy, Ford was a retard, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson and Nixon were fighting to stop the spread of Communism, not spread democracy, Roosevelt - well, Roosevelt, maybe, but that was 70 years ago, before oil was a big thing - Hoover, Coolidge, and Cleveland presided over peaceful eras of economic expansion for America and poverty for the rest of the world, and Wilson was a racist.

Whew. There's my unsubstantiated attack for the month.
Read the full article.

Saturday, August 23, 2008


Who the hell is Joe Biden? Read the full article.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Analysis of "Stairway to Heaven" Lyrics

A detailed analysis of the famous and confusing Led Zeppelin song. If you haven't heard of it, just kill yourself now and get it over with.
Comments will have an asterisk before them.

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
*Obviously dased and confused (another zeppelin song)
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
*I don't know where to buy those
And when she gets there she knows if the stores are closed
With a word she can get what she came for
*So, obviously some chick with power. Can also use jedi mind tricks.
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
*Whatever the hell that is
There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
And you know sometimes words have two meanings
*This is true. It isn't a problem on any sign anywhere, but it's true.
In a tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven
*Man, philosophical bird. Who can talk. I needs me one o' them.
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
*Yes, we fucking know what she's buying
There's a feeling I get when I look to the west
And my spirit is crying for leaving
*Like the elves from LOTR! Is Robert Plant an elf?!
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees
*Could mean forest fire. Probably want to back away there man.
And the voices of those who stand looking
*Uh, creepy. If people stand in a forest fire and talk to you, that's bad.
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
*Fuck yeah
And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
*What piper where? St. Patrick led the snakes out of Ireland with a pipe, then
*killed them. Let's not go with him so we all live.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
*More fucking standing people. I'm getting suspicious.
And the forest will echo with laughter
*Haunted forests are also bad. Especially if they're mocking you.
And it makes me wonder
*Are you wondering how many drugs you took while writing this song? I'm guessing a
*lot. Maybe you smoked a dog or something.
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow
Don't be alarmed now
It's just a spring clean for the May Queen
*What....the....fuck....Do you know what that means? I sure don't. I don't think
*anybody does. Can't he just speak fucking english?
Yes there are two paths you can go by
but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on
*That's deep man. Roads. Whoah. Seriously, where did this guy buy his LSD?
Your head is humming and it won't go in case you don't know
The piper's calling you to join him
*More shit from the evil piper bitch. Dear god, leave me alone!
Dear lady can't you hear the wind blow and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind
*Aha, the jedi chick's back. And now she knows where to buy her damn staircase.
And as we wind on down the road
*More roads. And they all lead to Rome, the apparent capital of illicit drugs.
Our shadows taller than our soul
*More philosophical stuff. Shadows are bad, and if there's more of them than your
*soul, you suck bitch because you didn't change your fucking road.
There walks a lady we all know
*We? "We" want to die at the hands of a damn pipe-player. So if "we" know this
*lady form the beginning, I don't want to know her. And stop including me in this damn
Who shines white light and wants to show
*Aka lightsaber. See? I told you she's a jedi.
How everything still turns to gold
*Still? When do things turn into gold? I haven't seen this happen. I want shit to
*turn into gold. I'll take some of that action. I'm game.
And if you listen very hard
*What? I couldn't hear you, I wasn't listening very hard.
The tune will come to you at last
*Ya know, if you play this song backwards, you get a secret message from Satan. So
*don't try to get the tune to come to you.
When all are one and one is all
*So Plant is apparently a musketeer elf. Damn that would be a kick-ass movie.
To be a rock and not to roll
*Whatever happened to roll? For a while it was "rock and roll", now it's just rock.
*What the hell? Did roll die in a tragic drummer accident or something?
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
*Because she found it on some wind, which can apparently supply your shopping needs.
There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
*Yes, we know.
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
*Why do you keep telling us? In case we need to know about this jedi bitch?
*Personally, I don't give a shit. Not one.
And when she gets there she knows if the stores are closed
With a word she can get what she came for
*Yeah yeah, more jedi powers of awesome.
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
*I fucking know. You've told me like 50 times already. I'm perfectly aware that the
*damn lady is buying heavenly staircases. Anyway, you didn't tell us why she wants
*to buy it. I need to know these things if it's so god damn important.
So, overall, confusing. Don't get me wrong, I love this song. It's legendary. Sheer brilliance. I just don't think too hard about the lyrics.
Read the full article.

A return to the regular comedy of the site

A contest

Ok so i have decided that we shalt haveth a contest pertaining to the amazingness of chuck norris jokes. the rules are simple
1. must be about chuck norris
2. no repeats
3. up to 10 jokes per post
4 the funniest jokes wins

The winner shalt reciveth one shiny new QUARTER
I shalt start it of
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light... Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark but because the Dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

If you submit the hand written answer to this problem to me (no typing so you can't just download the answer and print if off) you will win 2 Dollars must answer both parts in the smallest possible solution and no fractions of cows

Part 1
"The sun god had a herd of cattle consisting of bulls and cows, one part of which was white, a second black, a third spotted, and a fourth brown. Among the bulls, the number of white ones was one half plus one third the number of the black greater than the brown; the number of the black, one quarter plus one fifth the number of the spotted greater than the brown; the number of the spotted, one sixth and one seventh the number of the white greater than the brown. Among the cows, the number of white ones was one third plus one quarter of the total black cattle; the number of the black, one quarter plus one fifth the total of the spotted cattle; the number of spotted, one fifth plus one sixth the total of the brown cattle; the number of the brown, one sixth plus one seventh the total of the white cattle. What was the composition of the herd?"
Part 2

If thou canst give, O friend, the number of each kind of bulls and cows, thou art no novice in numbers, yet can not be regarded as of high skill. Consider, however, the following additional relations between the bulls of the sun:

White bulls + black bulls = a square number,
Dappled bulls + yellow bulls = a triangular number.
If thou hast computed these also, O friend, and found the total number of cattle, then exult as a conqueror, for thou hast proved thyself most skilled in numbers.

Read the full article.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Summary - English

So as many of you know by reading my posts i am not very good with english. So why am i taking English HL (the hardest english offered at the school)? BECAUSE THE SCHOOL BOARD IS A BUNCH OF DAMN COCK SUCKING MOTHER FUCK HYPROCRITS. they say that you should take IB HL based on what you are good at and not for friends or because you like the teachers they repeated that to us many many times. However they force you to take english higher level (this is not an IB descision this is just the School board....) So all IB students had to write an essay over the summer and turn it in on the first day. When i got my essay back to look at (the teacher needs them still) it said DO NOT WASTE MY TIME on it from the teacher because my essay sucked so bad... anyway now i have a poetry project where i have to define 20 someodd words off poetry that i have never seen before.

disclaimer - sean appoligizes for the lack of funny in this post all the funny was sucked out of my by life. please enjoy this rant instead
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Sunday, August 17, 2008

Because I Have To.

While the difference is different
It makes me feel the same.
While you go on feeling it
I can win the game.

I climb up the stairs
to your apartment
I go past
your apartment
I go to the roof
of your apartment
And meet you

I look at you
You look at me
I turn away
You keep looking at me
"Stop it," I say.

I pull the chainsaw out of my inventory
and aim it at you
And then I start the chainsaw (It's gory)
and throw it at you

u dodge
the chainsaw
and my heart

I leap for the chainsaw
to catch it and maybe throw it at you
but I forgot we were on top of your apartment building

  Read the full article.

Friday, August 15, 2008


So there's a chance that we could all die soon. Here's why:

Right, so obviously you've heard of the whole Russia invading Georgia thing. That could have escalated completely out of proportion, but eventually the ceasefire took effect. Even thought here's still a lot of tension, for the moment there's not mass invasion. So that sucked. However, I just saw a thing saying that Poland just agreed to have a US interceptor base, and Russia's pissed. And by pissed, I mean they seriously threatened to nuke Poland into oblivion. Apparently the base is a subtle threat to Russia and they're not taking any more of that shit, so Poland could become a thing of the past. This could get fun after awhile especially after the success of Stalin's secret man-ape super army. Of course, the whole thing's probably going to be talked out because Russia's a total pussy, but maybe there's enough Soviet magic left in good ol' mother Russia for her to fuck Poland bad enough to start WW3, which would cut down on the population boom, especially if China and Africa got involved. Oh, and India. Can't forget India. So yeah. Keep that in mind. Read the full article.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Faggots are U!

With the first day of school under our belts I am forced to give everyone some words of wisdom...

1) Country music is. Just get used to it.

2) Wine glasses are a thing every person in the world needs to deal with on their own time. Belive me I have experiance. Besides, it's obvious.

3) Whats the diffrence between teachers and hippo toungues? They both are huge and covered in saliva. Except for the teachers (unless your talking about a certain fat swimming teacher that everyone hates-code name Hister harzecky).

4) Bald band teachers suck when they hate you. I hate you back bald band teacher.

5) English is boring and repetative. You never actualy learn anything new, the same ole' stuff justs gets harder each year. Actualy, not even harder, just longer. We are writing the same old paper about the same old shit. This time I have to say the same thing in 8 pages instead of 2.

6) If your still reading this nonsence then you have no life. I know I don't because my most exciting class today was A.P. Europian History. Yea, and because I can't spell euro apparently. Bishop, go back annd edit that word to be betterer then it is now. It is wrong now. Oh, and not right. So make it right.

7) If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give him a cow he'll eat for a week, maybe more!

Read the full article.

That's The Way(My Mind Is)

Watching commercials really IS bad for your health!

I was watching the Olympics last night and a commercial came on that gave me the biggest, logical, epiphany I'd had in a couple hours.

There are starving, diseased, ill, children and adults in the African and south African countries. Yes, its true. Old news. Anyway, how many years have we seen the commercials for those foundations that are out to feed them and cure them? "For pennies a day YOU can save a life!" Now I'm all for people being healthy and stuff but let's be realistic.

Africa, South Africa and all the countries in between are highly over populated, ridden with disease and there's simply not enough food to feed them all. Now, these people want to cure all the curable disease over there so everyone can live in happiness. Go for it. You spend all that money on vaccines and mosquito nets. Everyone is saved right? Wrong. Once EVERYONE is cured of these maladies... who's going to feed them all? Well, then you're going to need 100x the amount of money you needed to cure everyone and just how long will it last them? New babies are being born every minute there. Can you all keep up? No. Its improbable and impractical.

There's this age old thing called Natural Selection. The weak die out and the strong live. Now, everyone in those countries hasn't died all at once. They virtually CAN'T go extinct. Everyone needs to die sometime. Personally, I'd rather die and have that minute chance at rebirth into a different place or as a different animal, than starving because they cured all the disease and don't know where I am to feed me.

Conclusion, let them die. Sounds cold but death is only the beginning and having people interfere with death is just wrong. There's realistic goals... and then there's insanity...

Read the full article.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


YOU HEARD ME, THE PARTY IS ON FOR TOMORROW! TELL EVERYBODY YOU FUCKING KNOW! THIS PARTY WILL BE THE SHIZ MAN! TIME'S NOON TO SIX, AND THE PLACE IS MY HIZZOUSE DAWG! But seriously, invite everybody you can, my mom didn't set a limit on the amount of people. And if you want to bring anything like an Xbox and games or something *cough*Tony*cough* then feel free. but THE SHIT IS ON!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!!! Oh, and wear a toga. That's right, toga party at my house. Bring everything. If you can bring a TV or hookers or something. It will be so crazy, the neighbours will call the cops. Fuck yeah! Read the full article.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Cap'n Jack Compares the UK and the US

I'm starting a new series of things where I compare two kinda similar things and decide which is better. I'll warn you, this is all my opinion involving very liuttle fact, and if you don;t like it, then fuck off. Especially if you're from that one dog thing.

Right, so the US and the UK. I'll break it down into several categories, to give it the appearance of being organized. I chose these categories as I thought of them, so if you don't like 'em, then fuck you up the ass with a cannon.
1. Music (that I listen to/heard of)
UK bands: Queen, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, The Who, Elton John, Flight of the Conchords, lots more...
US bands: Aerosmith, Journey, Chicago, Kiss, Guns and Roses, Boston, a bunch of crap country, Hannah Montana, a bunch of crazy white bitches, etc.
Conclusion: UK wins. When was the last time you heard a Britney Spears song at a sporting event? Never. When was the last time you heard We Are the Champions or We Will Rock You? Exactly. Also, despite Stephen Tyler's lips and Gene Simmons, Britain still has more strange musicians, including all the extremely gay and hairy ones, so there's that.
2. Military Strength
UK: Used to be strongest empire with insane killer navy, current random island
US: Insane nuclear freak capable of killing all life on this planet several times over at any time, likes to kill people
Conclusion: US wins because if they don't they'll kill everyhting everywhere. We're that fucking insane.
3. Comedians
UK: Eddie Izzard, Monty Python, Various BBC People, etc.
US: George Carlin, Robin Williams, Jeff Dunham, The Amazing Jonathan, Jim Gaffigan, lots more.
Conclusion: Eh, it's tricky, but US barely wins through sheer numbers. Apparently we like lots of stupid humour.
4. Pirates
UK: Drake, Morgan, England, Avery, Rackam, Blackbeard, Bonny, Read, Kidd, Silver, many, many more.
US: Johnny Depp
Conclusion: UK wins hands down. Johnny Depp isn't even a real pirate, so he only kinda counts. England has so much pirattitude, the Queen should wear a fucking eyepatch.
5. Amount of Chuck Norris
UK: None
US: All
Conclusion: US wins.
6: Queens
UK: The various monarchs, Queen (band), Freddie Mercury, Elton John
US: Nobody
Conclusion: UK has signifigant queenage, which isn't to be confused with cleavage. But still, the Queen does have a nice rack...
7. Things created/conquered:
UK: English Isles, New Zealand, Australia, India, China, bits of France, Falklands, America, Canada, bunch of Caribbean, bits of Africa
US: America, Hawaii, Alaska, Guam, Puerto Rico, other shitty places
Conclusion: UK has created and conquered more places than you could shake a yankee stick at. Plus the UK created America, so tehy can calim credit to whatever we do.

The Winner: ENGLAND!!!!!
England is generally awesome. Sure, it's basically collapsed into a small island in teh Atlantic, but it's badass about it. Who would win in a fight, the Queen or the President? Hint: The Queen's crown doubled as a machine gun, and Bush has the fighting tactics of a non-potty-trained labradoodle. I go pure pirate, that's how I roll, but if I were to be a privateer for one country, it'd be bloody England.
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