Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Adventures of Dave the Reaper (Part 1: A Sticky Situation)

Dave was good at his job. He was frequently quoted as saying, "Damn. Nobody does his job like me." Dave was a reaper. He tore souls from their bodies. Dave worked for ReapCorp, a subsidiary of Shafo, Inc. Dave loved his job, ripping souls from their bodies.

Dave always said reaping was more fun with a scythe. "Damn. Reaping is so hard without a scythe," he said. Dave knew all the best reaping methods. He knew the "Slice," the "Dice," and the "Slow Torture." He even invented the "Toenail Extreme," a particularly painful method where the victim's toenails are slowly extracted until the victim loses consciousness. Most methods of soul extraction require a scythe.

One day, Dave forgot his scythe. "Damn. I forgot my scythe," he said. He really didn't want to borrow anyone else's scythe. You never really know what people do with their scythes when they're alone. Dave was forced to reap without his scythe.
At the first house, Dave harvested a soul without a problem. He stashed the corpse in a closet and went on his way. At the second house, Dave faced a problem. "Damn," Dave said, "I have a problem."

As you know, tortoises have very sticky souls. This makes them easy to grip, but very difficult to extract. "Dam. This soul is too difficult to extract," Dave said. Unfortunately, he had already laid his hands on the poor reptile's soul. "Damn, let me go," said the tortoise. "Damn," Dave said. "It looks like we're stuck together."
Dave then created a plan. He and Ralph, the tortoise, would go back to Dave's house and get his scythe. "Damn. Sounds like a plan," said Ralph. Unfortunately, Dave lived in an alternate dimension. "Damn. I'll have to take the train to Greensboro, that's the nearest portal," Dave said angrily. It took them 20 minutes to reach the train station from Ralph's house. The last train to Greensboro for the next hour had left only 2 minutes before they reached the station. "Damn," said Dave, "We missed the train."

They bought a ticket for the next train. When it finally arrived, the conductor stopped them from boarding the train. "Damn," the conductor said, "One ticket per person please." "Damn. We're inexplicably stuck together and you won't let us on the train?" both Dave and Ralph asked simultaneously. At the sight of a tortoise talking, the conductor fainted. Dave said "Damn. I can't steer a train with a tortoise stuck to me!" Luckily, an assistant conductor was available, and took control of the situation. Dave and Ralph snuck onto the train during the commotion. "Damn. We were lucky to sneak on during the commotion," Dave said.

Back at Dave's house, Dave was looking for his scythe. Dave said, "Damn. Where did I put my scythe?" He checked his scythe rack, his scythe bed, and his scythe Malibu play-set extreme (complete with scythe car, scythe pool, scythe hotel, and scythe mall). His scythe was nowhere to be found! "Damn," Dave said, "I'll never find my scythe at this rate!" Ralph interjected, "Damn, don't you have a scythe closet or something?" "Damn. I haven't checked there yet," Dave replied.

Sure enough, his scythe was in the scythe closet. "Damn," Dave grumbled. "I was so sure it would be in one of the other places I checked." "Damn. Just be happy you found it," Ralph said. "Damn. I can't get into my scythe closet with a tortoise stuck to my hands!" Dave and Ralph began crying.


Quiz:
1) How many times is the word "scythe" used?
2) What species of animal is Ralph?
3) How many places does Dave look for his scythe before he finds it?
 

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