Thursday, May 22, 2008

How to Take Over the World on $10 a Day

How to take over the world on $10 a day
K. Bishop

Have you ever wanted to take over the world? Many people enjoy the power of choice they exercise over their own lives, and look to extend it. The first problem these people face when deciding to become rulers is coming up with an effective plan. This guide can help any aspiring dictator in their rise to power, using only the salary of a Mexican day laborer [1,2].
The following is a foolproof, six-part plan. The first five apply to any position of power, the last step is mandatory if you wish to achieve king-of-the-world status.

1. Make a decision.
DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP! It is important, nay vital, to decide what exactly you want to rule. This way, you can calculate the proportional effort involved. Wouldn’t you hate to work five days a week and then find out you can only become mayor? It has crushed the hopes of mayors everywhere. Do not let it happen to you.
2. Make a checklist.
This will be an all-encompassing checklist. List all resources available first, and then list what you need to get to the next level. For example, you are a hard-working representative of North Dakota’s seventh district. To run for governor, you need to list what you have:
- 10,000 pledged votes
- $40,000 savings
- Interviews with channels 7, 12, 89
And what you need:
- More women’s votes
- Mass email server [3]
- Lv. 70 strength [4]
Check them off when you have finished them, or when you have used up the resource.
Be precise!
3. Make people support you.
Nothing says “leader” like a legion of followers. So get out there and let these people know they like you. This is the best step to employ brainwashing.
a. Brainwashing 101
Hypnosis is the most effective brainwashing method, but organizing a mass hypnosis session is tedious and not worth the effort. Positive and negative reinforcement is the weapon of choice for anyone with access to a large video screen. Assemble your dissidents in a town square, and proceed to show them the gay sex scene in Schindler’s List until they collectively agree to pledge their support [5].
Brainwashing complete, you can proceed to step four.
4. Make your move.
a. In a democratic nation
I. Nonviolence for the win
This is when you are elected. Using the support “received” in step three, win an election. If it is not an elected position, use these supporters as an army. Don’t worry, it’s not blackmail. However, feel free to blackmail them if they deny your requests. Hey, it’s their fault for calling your bluff.
II. Violence for the win.
Using the aforementioned army of supporters as brainwashed slaves, take over the government. This method is much faster than step 4aI, but far more dangerous. Oh well.
b. In a dictatorship
If, just in case, there is no opportunity for a peaceful exchange of power, you may want to forge a friendship with the person you wish to overthrow. This has many benefits. First, you now have license to do whatever the hell you want [6]. This comes in handy when you are pulled over for reckless driving in a school zone. Secondly, you can get whatever the hell you want. From confiscated cigars to pilfered plasma screens, it’s all yours. And, most importantly, you can take over once your new friend is out of the picture [7].
You may need to repeat step four multiple times to achieve final awesomeness.
5. Make it count!
You did it! Finally, you achieved your goal. Was it worth it? Hell yes! Don’t just sit there! Your new country/city/club/magazine/multibillion dollar corporation isn’t going to run itself into the ground! So do that ruling’ thing.
And finally, the essential final step to ruling the world:
6. Make my day! AKA WWIII on steroids.
With the surplus of nuclear weaponry available in the world today, this is easier than ever. If you are the dictator of an unstable Middle Eastern country, you may already have them. Be careful: Most of the countries in the world will want to stop you. Keep a stash of ICBMs ready to intercept their intercept missiles. Congratulations, you now rule a war-torn, radioactive wasteland [8] (you idiot).
Perceptive readers may notice that none of this plan even references the budget bureaucracy promised in the introduction and the title. Well, I don’t care. If you really want to rule the world using $10 a day, you can either save up money for three years, or take out a loan and pay it back in $10 increments.
And finally, a few tips:
1) Never lose. Ever.
2) Claim you have “achieved enlightenment.”
3) If you are captured, take the pill in your left coat pocket. Don’t ask why, just do it.

The end.

[1] I don’t actually know what a Mexican day laborer makes.
[2] Price does not include food costs.
[3] To spam your opponent with viruses, of course.
[4] Or Lv. 63 strength if using strength potions.
[5] If they refuse, have your secret police torture them. You did buy a secret police, right?

[6] You may want to ask your new friend about license to rape and pillage, since it is frowned upon in today’s society.
[7] Suggestion: If you kill him, he will die quicker. When pressed for time, it is your only option.
[8] For irony, destroy the world on December 12, 2012. Apparently, 12/12/12 is the end of the Aztec calendar.
Special thanks: Julian P. for brainwashing tips
Cap'n Jack for piratitude.

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