Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Fent's Dense Fence Dents Dance Sense (and Other Short Stories)

Fent's Dense Fence Dents Dance Sense
A Test of Yer Mettle
The Incredibly True Story of Fireworks That Hate You

Fent's Dense Fence Dents Dance Sense
Hi. I'm Fent Brickland. I'm something of an expert on the short dividing wall jig. As you well know, fence dancing has a long and rich history. Why, just five minutes ago, the father of fence dancing (me, Fent Brickland) came up with what became an all-time classic. Now that we have fully explored the history, it's time to attack the most common dilemma of modern fence dancers: Fence Dents!
What do you do when your fence dents? I hope you have some extra wood lying around! The easiest method would be to patch them holes! Nail in some wood in the holes. If you have some very oddly shaped wood, it would be easy enough to imagine it an exciting puzzle.
Make sure the wood grain all goes the same way. Fence dancing is embarrasing enough without falling through and potentially breaking your duodenum.
Use two hands to grip the wood. Very important.
Use the most expensive wood you can find. I suggest premium-grade balsa.

A Test of Yer Mettle
Smiling Ann was unhappy. Her husband had left her and two kids on a single paycheck a month ago, and now making ends meet would be a miracle.
She sighed. She'd been forced to take a demeaning and embarrasing job at the local community center: Swordfighting Teacher! It was 80% less glamorous than it sounded in the ad.
The first problem was her clients. Most of them had never handled their swords properly, or (in many of the women's cases) didn't have one at all. She spent most of the first lesson polishing them, showing the proper technique. Long, swift strokes are always best, she said. Avoid the blade, and be careful around the tip.
The next lessons were mostly about when to pull it out. Many people are afraid of swords in public. If you have yours out, parents will often shield their child(ren)'s eyes. It's much better to leave it in its sheath until you reach a bathroom stall or dark alley.
Finally, after the students gained proper understanding of how to us their sword, it was time to teach them to attack. Fanciful slashing and hacking motions are fine, but the real power comes from stabbing. If possible, distract your opponent so you can stab them without objection. If you have subdued them sufficiently, they may offer to polish your sword for you. Only do this if you trust them. If you don't, continue stabbing until you run out of energy.
These were Smiling Ann's sagely advice words. At least the job payed pretty well, even if there was a chance of getting a virus.

The Incredibly True Story of Fireworks That Hate You
Well, fireworks can be dangerous beasties. I know I've always handled them with care, though! Imagine, though, rogue fireworks. The kind that don't care whether you set them up straight, they're going to fall over and try to hurt your family!
Well, we were lucky. It only burned down our tree.
It all started when each of us got 10 bucks to spend on some more fireworks. My sister was lame and took all the money in cash, so we only got $20 worth of stuff. My bro chose some stuff, and I chose some stuff. After I had found about $6 worth of stuff, I wanted to look for one real good, $4 firework that would be cool, if not the cheapest ever. I got one called "Forests on Fire," which would (according to the warning) "Shoot flaming balls." Sweet, said I, and I bought it.
Later that day (July 4) We were doing fireworks. My dad went out to light one, my "Forests on Fire." I told him that it was mine, but he could light it if he liked. He liked.
Alas, the firework did not work as planned. After shooting flaming balls one way, it fell over and began shooting flaming balls sideways, into places like the neighbor's driveway and (as we learned later) the evergreen tree.
Luckily, we didn't get hurt, and it din't shoot any of our other fireworks in the garage.
A few minutes later, I noticed some smoke near the tree. I paid no attention, figuring it was smoke from another group's fireworks. It wasn't
The tree went up quickly, half its branches ablaze and no water in sight. The nearest hose was too short, so we used it to make sure the fire didn't spread to the house while A group went to find another hose. B group called the fire department, while Bishop just stood there holding the hose, watching the fire. It was an awesome sight. The flames climbed to the top of the tree, licking at the branches of another tree above it. Then it receded, having burnt everything on its way up.
However, it wasn't done. It never reached the burnt tip again, but began spreading around the base now. A concerned neighbor brought over an extinguisher at nearly the same time A team returned with a hose and B team came out to watch.
The fire was defeated, and while half the tree was saved, it will likely not be spared. The damage was deep and strong, horrible and engulfing. The fire truck arrived, about 67% to 70% smaller than I thought it was, and we told them what had happened. Good thing nobody was hurt, said I. Well, except the tree.
(pics later)



Vampi. said...

I think Bishebosh is too bored. Boys, I think you need to sneak him into one of those swordfighting lessons and then send him out to tackle those rogue beasties. yeah you know what I'm talking about...

Cap'n_Jack said...

What the hell Bish. Are you that bored? Anyway lonely person whose life is so crippled that they read the blog of a bunch of high-schoolers, suicidal rampages against insurmountable foes is my bloody job!

chickenboy said...

Bishop, if you challenge me to a sword fighting contest then I will bring out my gun. For real. I will shoot you. With a lead bullet. Then I will pull out a wooden stake, and slam it in your heart. I will at this point run you over with a pick-up truck, then shoot you again. No sword fights around me. Ever. Why does "smiling ann" have a sword and why is it in a sheath?

Bishebosh? ROFLMAO! Funny. *cruel jokes to follow*

Guys, I can come to the party, but only till like 9:30...same as last time. My parental units are in love with cruel and unusual abuse.

Vampi. said...

Bishibosh. I spelled it wrong. -.-

Bishibosh is a unique Fallen Shaman found in the Cold Plains. He is quite difficult to new characters in the realm of Diablo II thanks to his ability to raise other shamans. This coupled with their Fallen Ones leads for a hard fight at the beginning of the game.


Liberal Atheist said...

Plus, muthafucka's fire immune.

chickenboy said...

OH, I hadn't relized it was a diablo II refrence when it was spelled so weird...I'm still mocking bishop for a few days (at least untill friday).


Btw, isn't he only in single player? I havn't seen him on battle.net.

Vampi. said...

No, he's on battle.net too.