Friday, July 18, 2008

There Once Was A Pirate Named Spunky

Since there seems to be plenty of stories floating around this crap blog (Dave the Reaper and...Dave the Reaper) But since I'm feeling unusually nice right now, I'm going to make a children's version of a happy pirate story with no potty language ever. Enjoy. (WARNING: The following content is in no way bad, but just in case, those of you offended by profanity, killing one's parents, pedophilia, graphic sex descriptions and violence, drug abuse, racism, or anti-semitism, please look away, you fucking pussy you)

"Alright children, it's time for storytime with your good friend, Cap'n Jack. Today's story is from book one of my favourite series, "The Happy Adventures of Jolly Ol' Cap'n Spunky". Are you ready? (pre-recorded "Yay!") Then we'll begin! Hooray! *ahem* 'Chapter 1: Shitheads Fucking Some Goddamn Whore Cunts' There once was a jolly lad called Spunky. Now, you may be asking your darling little selves, "Why would Spunky's mommy and daddy call him 'Spunky' after the stork brought him?" Well, first off, babies are made when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, or when a daddy pays a mommy some money and forgets a condom, or when a daddy has uncontrollable urges and steals a mommy, or if two mommies love each other and get some daddy-juice. But that's for another time. Anyway, Spunky's mommy and daddy called him Spunky because they were total assholes who hate children, just like your parents! So as you might expect, Spunky took a cheese-grader and killed those fucking bastards very slowly over the course of a few weeks. But remember kids, Spunky's special, and has done this before. If you want to kill your parents, take an adult knife with the sharp edge and stab it into your parents' necks, then watch the blood spurt out of those cocksuckers who've held you back all these years. But enough learning, let's get back to the story. So Spunky brutally killed his parents. This made some people, namely the evil asshole police, very angry, so Spunky had to run away. Since Spunky lived in Miami, he ran as fast as he could to the docks with the help of our good friend Mr. Steroids-oh look, here he is now! Hello Mr. Steroids!" "Hi Cap'n Jack, hi special friends! I'm only dropping by quickly because I think I just killed several inferior black and Jewish people with Mr. AK-47. Anyway, remember, steroids are your friends. Take them with you vitamins, and you'll grow up to be a strong, growth-stunted member of society." "Well, thanks for stopping by Mr. Steroids. Back to the story. So Spunky ran away from the evil police, and came upon Old Michael Jackson the sea captain and drug smuggler. 'Can I join your crew?' asked the boy. 'Only if you go to the magical forest and suck on lollipops with me little boy!' laughed Captain Michael. And so off they went to the captain's cabin, where they {CENSORED CENSORED}, and after his face was clean, Spunky was allowed onto the ship, which was crewed by other small boys just like him. So off they went on their merry little way, with occasional trips to the magical forest, which turned out to be just Captain Mike's cabin. This continued for months until the boys got tired of these seemingly odd trips with Captain Michael, so one day, the boys cornered the captain, cut his tummy open with an adult sharp knife, and fed his internal organs to the ship's magical singing goat, Patsie. After the captain had "gone on vacation to Cleveland", the boys tossed his body overboard and ate Patsie because she was being a total twat about eating the captain. Since it was Spunky who thought of the plan, he was chosen to be captain after he ate a few of the other boys who didn't want him to be captain. That very next day, the boys found some nice sea-mermaid people, and went fishing for them, like you do with your uncle when he isn't going to the magical forest with you. Eventually the mermaid-ladies were caught, brutally raped, gutted, and eaten for dinner. So little Spunky and his merry crew were now happy. That is, until the sharks. Well, that's chapter. That's one of my favourite chapters, partly because of the part when Spunky kills his parents like I did, and partly because of the good morals we learned, like police, black people, and Jews are all pricks who must die, or that steroids are good. Come back later for the even more exciting chapter 2. So until then, so long, and be sure to drug her before you stick your wee-wee into her shame-cave. Now bye-bye!"

7 comments:

Cap'n_Jack said...

It's long, but informative and child-friendly.

Bishopk said...

Well, I'm scared.

shadowoftruth said...

um... yea... the magic forest...mr ak47...where is this ship again because i want to join...no magic forest though i would burn it down

chickenboy said...

*claps* I loved it. It was a poetic chapter in what should be regarded as one of americas great classics of our time. Bravo.

Vampi. said...

Jack.... Do me a favor and look out the window. No, the other window. Yes, that one. Do you see those men right there? Yes, the ones in the white coats. They're going to take you to a special place now. Don't worry though! You'll be happy on the drugs of your dreams and you can place human bouncy ball in that certain rubber room. You remember that room right? Yes... I thought so.
Bye bye now Jack. And fair winds to ye.

Cap'n_Jack said...

I'm glad that some of you recognize this as a masterpiece rivaling the likes of "Hairy Potter" and "Everybody Poops". You know, I once went cray. They took me to a nice room with cushy walls. That was fun. But then they took me out of the room. I was angry. You know, I once went cray. They took me to a nice room with cushy walls. That was fun. But then they took me out of the room. I was angry. You know, I once went crazy (Etc.). But now I get to go back! Hooray!

Vampi. said...

Avast! Cap'n Jack, I highly doubt yer experiences in that dastardly "cushy room" could compare to mine. But, nay, that be a tale for dark day.