Monday, August 11, 2008

Cap'n Jack Compares the UK and the US

I'm starting a new series of things where I compare two kinda similar things and decide which is better. I'll warn you, this is all my opinion involving very liuttle fact, and if you don;t like it, then fuck off. Especially if you're from that one dog thing.

Right, so the US and the UK. I'll break it down into several categories, to give it the appearance of being organized. I chose these categories as I thought of them, so if you don't like 'em, then fuck you up the ass with a cannon.
1. Music (that I listen to/heard of)
UK bands: Queen, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, The Who, Elton John, Flight of the Conchords, lots more...
US bands: Aerosmith, Journey, Chicago, Kiss, Guns and Roses, Boston, a bunch of crap country, Hannah Montana, a bunch of crazy white bitches, etc.
Conclusion: UK wins. When was the last time you heard a Britney Spears song at a sporting event? Never. When was the last time you heard We Are the Champions or We Will Rock You? Exactly. Also, despite Stephen Tyler's lips and Gene Simmons, Britain still has more strange musicians, including all the extremely gay and hairy ones, so there's that.
2. Military Strength
UK: Used to be strongest empire with insane killer navy, current random island
US: Insane nuclear freak capable of killing all life on this planet several times over at any time, likes to kill people
Conclusion: US wins because if they don't they'll kill everyhting everywhere. We're that fucking insane.
3. Comedians
UK: Eddie Izzard, Monty Python, Various BBC People, etc.
US: George Carlin, Robin Williams, Jeff Dunham, The Amazing Jonathan, Jim Gaffigan, lots more.
Conclusion: Eh, it's tricky, but US barely wins through sheer numbers. Apparently we like lots of stupid humour.
4. Pirates
UK: Drake, Morgan, England, Avery, Rackam, Blackbeard, Bonny, Read, Kidd, Silver, many, many more.
US: Johnny Depp
Conclusion: UK wins hands down. Johnny Depp isn't even a real pirate, so he only kinda counts. England has so much pirattitude, the Queen should wear a fucking eyepatch.
5. Amount of Chuck Norris
UK: None
US: All
Conclusion: US wins.
6: Queens
UK: The various monarchs, Queen (band), Freddie Mercury, Elton John
US: Nobody
Conclusion: UK has signifigant queenage, which isn't to be confused with cleavage. But still, the Queen does have a nice rack...
7. Things created/conquered:
UK: English Isles, New Zealand, Australia, India, China, bits of France, Falklands, America, Canada, bunch of Caribbean, bits of Africa
US: America, Hawaii, Alaska, Guam, Puerto Rico, other shitty places
Conclusion: UK has created and conquered more places than you could shake a yankee stick at. Plus the UK created America, so tehy can calim credit to whatever we do.

The Winner: ENGLAND!!!!!
England is generally awesome. Sure, it's basically collapsed into a small island in teh Atlantic, but it's badass about it. Who would win in a fight, the Queen or the President? Hint: The Queen's crown doubled as a machine gun, and Bush has the fighting tactics of a non-potty-trained labradoodle. I go pure pirate, that's how I roll, but if I were to be a privateer for one country, it'd be bloody England.


Vampi. said...

1st off... England does NOT equal the whole of UK.. keep that in mind.

Does Prince count as a queen? I think he should...

Monty Python is sophisticated, stupid humor. The only reason the US won that catagory was for the fact that most Americans don't understand and/or can't follow British humor.

As for music.. you forgot the classical music from the UK... and the blues and jazz from the US... think on that one and edit the score if necessary.

The US makes up for pirates in cowboys.

Things conquered by the US... ice cream(with the exception of HaaggenDas,) hamburgers and fried foods.

Cap'n_Jack said...

England, UK, close enough. I hate Prince, so he doesn't count in any category anywhere. Remember, my opinion. True, Monty Python is brilliant, but the US has more random comedians who while not as brilliant, combined barely win. Barely. Sure the US created jazz, but the UK has better rock, so they win. Cowboys suck. they are the epitomy of suckage. Pirates or ninjas are debateable for first, but cowboys are a firm 375th behind hamsters So negative points there. Oh yeah, the US has more fatties, so more negative points. Thanks for reminding me that the US lost by a larger margarine.

Vampi. said...

:D no problem lol