Sunday, September 14, 2008

UnNews: Large Hadron Collider "destroys God by accident"

Because Uncyclopedia is amazing, and I want to start this week off fast:

GENEVA, Switzerland – Concerns that the Large Hadron Collider might destroy the Earth proved unfounded on Wednesday, but scientists warned that they may instead have accidentally destroyed God shortly after powering up the machine.

Detectors in the $10 billion machine recorded a massive outburst of Higgs bosons, nicknamed the "God particle" about 3 seconds into the first experiment. Scientists speculate that God may have accidentally strayed into the high-powered opposing beams of protons the collider generates, and been disintegrated.

"We detected so many Higgs bosons in such a short space of time, there's little chance God could have survived," said Dr Tara Sheers, a particle physicist from the University of Manchester.

Despite the unexpected results from the collider's first day of operations, the public should not be concerned over the safety of the machine, said Professor Jim Vordee, a particle physicist at Imperial College London.

Moreover, today's accident should not greatly impact the world's major religions, he said.

"From the results of today's experiment, we can conclude that while God probably did exist, He probably doesn't now.

"Theologically speaking, this is much the same position we were in on Tuesday. It's ironic that at the very instant that we had scientific evidence of the existence of God, He most probably ceased to exist."

Officials at the organization that operates the collider - the European Organization for Nuclear Research, better known by its French acronym Cern – have yet to make a statement on God's probable destruction.

However, Steve Myars, head of the accelerator and beam department at Cern, said some sort of letter of apology and condolences to the leaders of the world's major religions might be in order.

"We really didn't mean to 'do a Nietzsche' as it were, and kill God, but then again, God's been dead for over three hours now, and things still seem to be going on pretty much as usual in the universe.

"God may have been destroyed, but it's not the end of the world."


Vampi. said...



chickenboy said...

Thats so funny, because it is written exactly like a real science article! Ich bin...loving ist!

I bet you know who I blame for this catastraphee (yea, I know I am a horrible speller).


Bishopk said...
Mark Udall has been attacked in multiple ad campaigns, most of which are not endorsed by Bob Schaffer but by other, conservative, groups.

chickenboy said...

Lol, I saw the FUNNIEST ONE EVER today, It was like...oo peace, thats what marc udall wants, which is why he voted against our armed forces.

Or some phycho mumbo jumbo like that, but then the hippy opens up the "van of peace" that is apparently sponsered by Marc Udall, and a bunch of pot smoke starts coming out (the audiance is supose to assume that the smoke comes from pot, but it probably comes from a smoke machine enginered by hollywood), and the hippy is like "whoops, not what I meant to do...I should find the video on youtube and see if I can find it...anyway.

chickenboy said...

Hmm, well there aren't many of the actual commercials on youtube, all the commercials pretty much say that Udall is the reason gas prices rise, illegal immigrants keep coming into Colorado, why the war in Iraq continues etc.

Thus, why we started mocking the commercials by blaming everything from global warming to man slaughter on Marc Udall. Did you know he sacrafices babies in his backyard? It's True. Sean has a funny one about the spartan war. He is probably the reason any and all things may or may not being going badly in your life. Just blame Marc Udall. It's fun

Cap'n_Jack said...

Oh yeah, the one that sad (indirectly) that Marc Udall is a pot-smoking crack-head who lives in a VW van. Ahh, good times. Remember kids, Marc Udall is responsible for AIDS. He made it in his basement (full of pot), and then raped everything on a passing schoolbus (including three goldfish and the bus itself), and then killed Freddie Mercury just to make a point.