Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Adventures of Dave the Reaper (Part 3: Dave and Rob Break Into ReapCorp)

Dave returned home exhausted after a long day reaping. "Damn," said Dave, "I am exhausted!" Dave got in bed and prepared for a deep sleep. Tomorrow was going to be another long day at ReapCorp.

That night, Dave was awoken by a terrible THUD! "Damn! What just woke me up?" Dave asked angrily. Dave got out of bed and picked up his scythe, ready to defend his territory. He snuck down the stairs and turned on the light.

"Damn," Dave said, "Don't scare me like that, Rob." Of course, the loud noise that woke Dave up was his friend Rob. Rob appeared to be in pain. "Damn," Rob said, "Why did you have to put your hampster cage in the middle of the floor?" "Damn," Dave replied, "I didn't think anybody would trip over it. I don't even own a hampster."

Rob explained why he had come over. Apparently there were some people at ReapCorp who were taking credit for Dave's reapings. "Damn," Rob exclaimed, "You're the best reaper out there, and these punks are taking credit!" "Damn," Dave agreed. "Something must be done."

Dave and Rob snuck over to the ReapCorp offices, where the night shift was in full force. "Damn," said Dave, "I didn't think there would be anyone here." Of course, Dave forgot that people die every time of the day. Silly Dave. Rob was equally surprised. "Damn," he said, "I'm surprised as you!" The two agreed that it would be easy enough to tell the guards that Dave and Rob had left things in their offices and needed to reenter and reclaim those things. It worked. "Damn," said Dave, "I didn't think that would work!"

When they got inside, they moved straight for the records computer. This was going to be a little difficult, they agreed. After all, they did not know who had taken what credit. They started with that day. "Damn," said Rob, "Jeff put down just as many reaps as we did today, even though he worked on his own and we were a team!" "Damn," agreed Dave. Looking back at previous days, it was clear that Jeff had copied Dave's total for the past three months, including the 1.5 souls reaped in Part 1. "Damn," Dave laughed. "Who would want to copy down such a low total?"

Dave and Rob went through the list and lowered Jeff's total where it was necessary. Dave knew that nobody was better than him, so Jeff must have had a lower total. When all was done, Dave and Rob left the building, surprised that no guards were going to stop them.

The next day, Dave was really proud of himself. "Damn," said he, "I am very proud of myself." He smiled all day while reaping, a very unusual thing for a reaper to do. In the locker room after work, Jeff approached him. "Damn," muttered Dave under his breath. "I wonder if he figured it out!"

He did. Jeff was furious. "Damn!" shouted Jeff, "I want you to know that the last few months have been a strange coincidence, nothing sinister! I've spoken to the boss and he agreed that what you did was out of line." "Damn," said Dave, "I'm sorry I was so suspicious, it's just that those numbers were so suspicious!" He and Jeff agreed to put that behind them, as long as Dave did something for him.

Tune in next time for The Adventures of Dave the Reaper (Part 4: Dave Reaps While Wearing A Chicken Suit).

Answers to Part 2 Quiz
1) Rob
2) Trick question. It was a rookie mistake.
3) Reap the guy taped to a chair!

1) How's it going?
2) What did Rob trip over when he broke into Dave's house?
3) Why is Jeff so angry?

Author's note: I think that after last night we could all use a little Dave the Reaper. (And it only took me until September 122nd!)


Vampi. said...

Damn! That hamster cage needs more attention!

Damn! This was a cute one!

Damn! I can't think of anything better to say! xD

chickenboy said...

Damn! Dave and Rob did a very bad thing. Is there no quiz?? Where is the quiz? WE NEED A QUUIZ!!! Damn.

Bishopk said...

Oh, forgot! lol, it's been so long!

chickenboy said...

1) How's it going?
A. Never ceasing and ever continuing at various speeds depending on your own personal perception.
2) What did Rob trip over when he broke into Dave's house?
A. Your mom. She was laying on the floor there.
3) Why is Jeff so angry?
A. Well, the love of his life left him when he was 3 or 4 years old, and once he got to high school everyone made fun of him. Then sometime after that his mom died in a tragic scythe accident. SOO he picked a fight with Chuck Norris who gave him a job as a reaper. That is why he is so sad.

Liberal Atheist said...

1) Good, it's staying at a pretty constant 1 second / second.

2) Dave's pet hippopotamus [it's very small, hard to notice]

3) because he's a dick.

chickenboy said...

Dave's pet hippo is Bishop's mom...James, you can't steal my answer!

Vampi. said...

1. Well... it takes energy and movement and other scientific stuff to make it go... ask a science professor how it goes.

2. It was Bish's mom's pet hippopotamus' pet hamster cage. The hamster conveniently died in a tragic running wheel accident. Poor dear didn't know you were supposed to run on it. He thought it was a back scratcher and the wheel crushed him. Sad times... sad times...

3. Jeff was mad because he didn't get a long enough role in this part of "The Adventures of Dave the Reaper". He's currently building a lawsuit against McDonald's because of it.

♥ Vampi.