Saturday, May 24, 2008

Tips for an Anti-Sematic Zombie Invasion pt1

Many people don't know this, but zombie attacks happen every day. Ever hear about campers getting lost in the woods and never being found? They probably got eaten by a roving band of zombies. (sorry for not finishing this, I was doing field research in Hannah's mouth....I MEAN BRAZIL!!!) The government and media want to cover it up because they're secretly controlled by the Jews. Zombies don't have need for money, so there's no way for the Jews to exploit them. Actually, Jews created zombies when they tried to collect a debt from a dead guy. He rose from the grave, crazed and hungry. It's all the Jews' fault. We should kill them! KILL THE JEWS! KILL THE JEWS! TOTEN SIE DIE JUDEN! HEIL HITLER!! HEIL HITLER!!*ahem* Anyway, zombies are scary. Real scary. So when running away from them while pushing your Jew "friends" into the undead mob, remember to keep your cool. Many a time have random people broken down and started sobbing, just waiting to be eaten. So don't do that. Instead, as previously suggested, throw Jews to the teeming masses of hungry zombies and run in the opposite direction. That way, you're alive, the zombies are full, and there are less Jews in the world. Everyone wins. Except the Jews, but who cares about them? Another helpful tip: in the event you run out of ammo, feel free to use spare Jews you didn't throw into the mob as weapons. Although unwieldy at first, after you've fought on for a while and most of the Jew is eaten, your weapon becomes light and manageable. Remember: All jews must die except John Stewart and Lewis Black because they don't act all that Jewey. More info coming in part 2.

*DISCLAIMER* I am not a jew-hating nazi, and I do not take secret instructions frrom Hitler's secret moon base.........I've said too much
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Friday, May 23, 2008

Together We Can Change The World

Together We Can Change The World
Lyrics by K. Bishop

Together we can change the world
You and me
Him and her
and him and him
Together, all of us
Saving the world

That guy standing in the back over there
Couldn't find a seat, couldn't find a chair
Maybe once we're done saving the world
We can build that guy a chair
So he can sit down

Together we can change the world
You and me
Him and her
and him and him
Together, all of us
Saving the world

I believe together we can change the world
Plant trees and teach English to children
Maybe even reduce our carbon emissions
Maybe figure out if global warming is real in the process

Together we can change the world
You and me
Him and her
and him and him
Together, all of us
Saving the world

Is this world as clean as it once was?
Can we save the dying rainforests?
Together we will fight carbon dioxide
Quick, everyone stop breathing it out

Together we can change the world
You and me
Him and her
and him and him
Together, all of us
Saving the world
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Cap'n Blogger

Avast, it be yer friendly pirate captain, Cap'n Jack. Not Jack Sparrow, as that be copyrighted. Anyway, here be me blog. No one'll e'er read it anyway, so who bloody cares. Iffen ye care, say summat. Thankee. I be postin' a blog to try to inject some piratitude into the internets. An' yes, I know thar be one internet; what do ye take me for, a lowly swab?! Anywho, today I'll be tellin' ya how to inject some piratiness into yer day. First off, ye need the pirate walk. The walk that says, "ARR!!! I be a pirate who don't care but will still rape, pillage, and plunder!" Iffen yer friends laugh at ye, then rip out their intestines an' feed 'em to the ship's goat. Also, say ARR whenever the mood calls for it. Someone needs $5? ARR!!! On a date an' makin' yer move? ARR!!! Always works. That be all fer now.

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The most bestest contract ever. Really.

Statement of General Terms and Conditions

As with all contracts, this document is an agreement creating and defining the obligations between 2 or more parties. Like other contracts in the case of violation on either part, the party who violates said document will be prosecuted to full extent of the law.
Thank you for choosing Shafo, Inc. to handle your job. The following agreement spells out the terms and conditions of this project.

The base fee for any job at Shafo, Inc. is a minimum of $4,500. That fee estimate is based on 100 hours of working time at an hourly rate of $45, and includes time for prep, travel, hiding, and cool down.

Out-of-pocket expenses, such as long-distance telephone calls, photos, computer printouts, internet charges, and local/out of town charges from travel incurred in connection with the project will be billed to you in itemized statements.

WHEREAS, in its business, Shafo, Inc. has acquired and developed certain trade secrets, including but not limited to proprietary processes, sales methods and techniques, and other like confidential business and technical information, whether patented or un-patentable, that is of any value whatsoever to Shafo, inc., as well as certain unpatented information relating to Shafo Inc.’s services, information concerning proposed new services, studies, proposed or existing pre show techniques or plans (whether developed or produced by the Company or by any other entity for the Company), other Confidential Information, and information about the Company's “Executives”, “officers”, and “directors”, which necessarily will be communicated to the “Executive” by reason of his/her employment by Shafo Inc.

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the premises and the mutual covenants set forth in this Agreement, and intending to be legally bound, the Company and the Executive agree as follows:

1. Representations and Warranties.
The executor of this contract, hereafter referred to as EXECUTIVE, hereby represents and warrants to the Company that he (i) is not subject to any written nonsolicitation or noncompetition agreement affecting his/her employment with the Company (other than any prior agreement with the Company), (ii) is not subject to any written confidentiality or nonuse/nondisclosure agreement affecting his/her employment with the Company (other than any prior agreement with the Company), and (iii) has brought to the Company no trade secrets, confidential business information, documents, or other personal property of a prior employer.

2. Duties.
General Duties. The executive shall serve as the chief operating officer of the Company, with duties and responsibilities that are customary for such executives, such as pulling down of any clothing items worn on the bottom half of the body, including but not limited to - pants, underwear, shoes, socks, etc. The Executive shall also perform services for such subsidiaries as may be necessary. As warranted by party member B to commence upon party member A. The executive shall use his/her best efforts to perform his/her duties and discharge his/her (insert word here) pursuant to this agreement competently, carefully and faithfully. In determining whether or not the Executive has used his/her best efforts hereunder, the Executive's and the Company's delegation of authority and all surrounding circumstances shall be taken into account and the best efforts of the Executive shall not be judged solely on the Company's earnings or other results of the Executive's performance.

3. Compensation and Expenses
General pay is based upon the aforementioned $4500 minimum, plus tip you receive from any and all clients involved. Shafo Inc. may also decide to give you an additional amount of money depending upon speed, client feedback and response to particular orders, including but not limited to - “drop and give me 20” (explained in section 2), just “get up” now, or his/her enthusiasm for the job. Loyalty to Shafo, Inc. is an important part of the executive jobs, and is not taken lightly.

4. Benefits

5. Termination
Death or Disability. Except as otherwise provided in this Agreement, the contract shall automatically terminate without action by any party upon the death or disability of the Executive. For purposes of this Section 5(a), "disability" shall mean that for a period of 12 consecutive months, the Executive is incapable of substantially fulfilling the duties set forth in Section 2 because of physical, mental or emotional incapacity resulting from injury, sickness or disease. In the event of death of the Executive, the Executive's estate shall receive any unpaid, earned compensation due the Executive and this Agreement shall terminate. In the event of Executive's disability, the Executive will be paid compensation, benefits and bonus which may accrue during the period of disability up to a total of 18 months, or for the remainder of this Agreement, whichever time is greater. Termination for cause. The Company may terminate the Executive's employment pursuant to the terms of this Agreement at any time for cause by giving written notice of termination. Termination of the employment, unless stated above is not possible under any circumstance, sorry for the inconvenience.

6. Indebtedness.
If, during the course of the Executive's employment under this Agreement, the Executive becomes indebted to the Company for any reason, the Company may, if it so elects, set off any sum due to the Company from the Executive and collect any remaining balance from the Executive unless the Executive has entered into a written agreement with the Company.

1-719-5830873 Shafo, Inc.
INC.FORM 10-QSB – May 19, 2008
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the Company and the Signer have executed this Agreement as of the date and year first above written

________________________ ______________________
Party A (executive-Hireee) Party B ( Employer-Hirer
_______________________ ___________________
Witness (watcherer #1) Witness (watcherer #2)
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Thursday, May 22, 2008

How to Take Over the World on $10 a Day

How to take over the world on $10 a day
K. Bishop

Have you ever wanted to take over the world? Many people enjoy the power of choice they exercise over their own lives, and look to extend it. The first problem these people face when deciding to become rulers is coming up with an effective plan. This guide can help any aspiring dictator in their rise to power, using only the salary of a Mexican day laborer [1,2].
The following is a foolproof, six-part plan. The first five apply to any position of power, the last step is mandatory if you wish to achieve king-of-the-world status.

1. Make a decision.
DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP! It is important, nay vital, to decide what exactly you want to rule. This way, you can calculate the proportional effort involved. Wouldn’t you hate to work five days a week and then find out you can only become mayor? It has crushed the hopes of mayors everywhere. Do not let it happen to you.
2. Make a checklist.
This will be an all-encompassing checklist. List all resources available first, and then list what you need to get to the next level. For example, you are a hard-working representative of North Dakota’s seventh district. To run for governor, you need to list what you have:
- 10,000 pledged votes
- $40,000 savings
- Interviews with channels 7, 12, 89
And what you need:
- More women’s votes
- Mass email server [3]
- Lv. 70 strength [4]
Check them off when you have finished them, or when you have used up the resource.
Be precise!
3. Make people support you.
Nothing says “leader” like a legion of followers. So get out there and let these people know they like you. This is the best step to employ brainwashing.
a. Brainwashing 101
Hypnosis is the most effective brainwashing method, but organizing a mass hypnosis session is tedious and not worth the effort. Positive and negative reinforcement is the weapon of choice for anyone with access to a large video screen. Assemble your dissidents in a town square, and proceed to show them the gay sex scene in Schindler’s List until they collectively agree to pledge their support [5].
Brainwashing complete, you can proceed to step four.
4. Make your move.
a. In a democratic nation
I. Nonviolence for the win
This is when you are elected. Using the support “received” in step three, win an election. If it is not an elected position, use these supporters as an army. Don’t worry, it’s not blackmail. However, feel free to blackmail them if they deny your requests. Hey, it’s their fault for calling your bluff.
II. Violence for the win.
Using the aforementioned army of supporters as brainwashed slaves, take over the government. This method is much faster than step 4aI, but far more dangerous. Oh well.
b. In a dictatorship
If, just in case, there is no opportunity for a peaceful exchange of power, you may want to forge a friendship with the person you wish to overthrow. This has many benefits. First, you now have license to do whatever the hell you want [6]. This comes in handy when you are pulled over for reckless driving in a school zone. Secondly, you can get whatever the hell you want. From confiscated cigars to pilfered plasma screens, it’s all yours. And, most importantly, you can take over once your new friend is out of the picture [7].
You may need to repeat step four multiple times to achieve final awesomeness.
5. Make it count!
You did it! Finally, you achieved your goal. Was it worth it? Hell yes! Don’t just sit there! Your new country/city/club/magazine/multibillion dollar corporation isn’t going to run itself into the ground! So do that ruling’ thing.
And finally, the essential final step to ruling the world:
6. Make my day! AKA WWIII on steroids.
With the surplus of nuclear weaponry available in the world today, this is easier than ever. If you are the dictator of an unstable Middle Eastern country, you may already have them. Be careful: Most of the countries in the world will want to stop you. Keep a stash of ICBMs ready to intercept their intercept missiles. Congratulations, you now rule a war-torn, radioactive wasteland [8] (you idiot).
Perceptive readers may notice that none of this plan even references the budget bureaucracy promised in the introduction and the title. Well, I don’t care. If you really want to rule the world using $10 a day, you can either save up money for three years, or take out a loan and pay it back in $10 increments.
And finally, a few tips:
1) Never lose. Ever.
2) Claim you have “achieved enlightenment.”
3) If you are captured, take the pill in your left coat pocket. Don’t ask why, just do it.

The end.

[1] I don’t actually know what a Mexican day laborer makes.
[2] Price does not include food costs.
[3] To spam your opponent with viruses, of course.
[4] Or Lv. 63 strength if using strength potions.
[5] If they refuse, have your secret police torture them. You did buy a secret police, right?

[6] You may want to ask your new friend about license to rape and pillage, since it is frowned upon in today’s society.
[7] Suggestion: If you kill him, he will die quicker. When pressed for time, it is your only option.
[8] For irony, destroy the world on December 12, 2012. Apparently, 12/12/12 is the end of the Aztec calendar.
Special thanks: Julian P. for brainwashing tips
Cap'n Jack for piratitude.
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Wisecrack Express

Welcome to the Wisecrack Express.

It takes a unique kind of person to appreciate our humor. Are you that person?
The breed of human required to understand our specialty humor is one who appreciates the finer things in life, such as The Daily Show, or, especially, The Colbert Report.
Yes, we admit we're a sarcastic crowd. But don't let that fool you. We appreciate you, our readers. After all, if it weren't for you, we'd be forced to hand out our ideas as modern-day pamphleteers. Pretty embarrassing.

-K. Bishop
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