Friday, May 30, 2008

A Well Thought Out Response

Matt, James,

Listening to you two argue is annoying. However, placing bets on who will win is what keeps me awake during school. That being said, I will make a strong case for both of your stances and then immediately refute them.

James:
Democrats have a lot of things going for them. They're great people who believe US citizens deserve every right they have, and some they don't deserve. That being said, I'm pretty sure same-sex marriage is one of the creepiest things they've come up with in recent years, next to universal health care. I, personally, believe people should have the right to be gay, but not to marry. They can live together as long as they stop bothering me.
I'm serious guys, stop calling me asking for donations. It's annoying.
And hey, it's not illegal if nobody knows about it.

Matt:
Republicans are cool people. They totally believe in limited government, and they oppose same-sex marriage. That being said, they don't like killing babies. Honestly, I believe abortion is always necessary. I mean, have you ever met a child? Selfish punks. And tax cuts? Give me a break. If the citizens of America are running up such great debts to other countries, we deserve to pay that back. Through high taxes.
Besides that, I'd say they're a nice bunch.
Another thing I like about the Republicans: They support the war. That's a good idea, since we're winning.


And to the both of you:
Political parties are the greatest threat to America after gay marriage, the war in Iraq, and scented plug-ins. They force people to believe things they may not want to believe. It's a good theory, in theory. When people are categorized, it makes them so easy to understand. "Oh, Mr. Johnson is a liberal. He must support gay marriage and the right to abortion!" While it may be true, not all people are mindless drones. That being said, you two are. Make your own decisions, and don't let party affiliation pwn you.

-K. Bishop, Mindless Drone #002614

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Excuse me, sir.

Matt's wrong.


(7/4 of all Democrats? That's an improper fraction, Matt.)
Cap'n Jack, I'm quite frankly stunned that you would allow such an anti-liberal bias to creep into this hallowed institution. I mean, really. Lumping together Democrats, atheists, and whores?
Look at Jon "No-H" Stewart - he's a devout Jew. And the satirical mastermind Colbert is a practicing Roman Catholic. Now, their sexual deviances are unknown to me, but I think that clearly destroys your little coalition.
And atheists (which generally isn't capitalized, but whatever) didn't create hip-hop. Hip-hop was a musical continuation of jazz, which came from blues, and black people created all of them. Are you calling all black people atheist? If so, how do you explain Reverend Wright?
You can't, in one breath, both condemn the theory of global warming and accuse liberal SUVs of aggravating it. Well, I guess you can, actually, now that you've done so.

And, on a more personal note, Bishop's sister is a total bitch. Yeah, I heard what you said over the phone. Respect the nerd, girl!

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Whats wrong with the world

The main problems with this world are debated a lot. Things like global warming, prostitution, Democrats, The war in Iraq, Terrorists, Democrats, Hip hop music, Sti's, Political left wings, and Colbert not having his own channel to name a few. Although all of these problems seem rather important (especially eliminating the non-republicans), the biggest problem with the modern world is Atheism. That’s right you heard right, Atheism (in less you heard something other then atheism, in which case you heard wrong). Atheists are naive, oblivious, and most are just plain stupid. Even though you’re still a skeptic of my claim, just look at how the problems with the world listed above are linked to atheists. Atheists are horrible people-their Automobiles get like 3.7 m/g on average. Not only are they expounding the global warming issue; they created it. They also use the money they get from their “terrorist acts” to pay off prostitutes. 7/4 democrats are Atheists, can you believe that overwhelming statistic and still not believe that Atheists are the cause of all the worlds problems? To finish proving my point Atheist people believe in something the rest of us can just only stand by in amazement. They created hip hop “music”, and all the while believe that Comedy central should continue to show dozens of shows despite the fact that no one ever watches anything on that channel except Colbert and John Stewart. Frankly I am done listening to these stupid and pure evil ideas that society accepts as unchangeable. I make a call out to all you good readers out there today: Run the Democratic Party, the Atheists and the Prostitutes out of town! We don’t want you here anymore!
-Matthew

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Words of Wednesday

A series of haikus by K. Bishop

Water beast swims here
His lonely life in rivers
Keeps himself alive.

But better still are
The places he does not go
Land holds no more fish.

Gentle dripping noise
I would like to not have fish
If given the choice.

Democrat at pond
Wants me to marry a fish
I do not want to.
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Monday, May 26, 2008

Real life

A cut back to reality, and a thanks to those who did so much.

Well, we at wisecrack express normaly are all about stupidity....and stupidness, but I decided that since today is memorial day, we should take a minute to remember those that did, and still do go to war so we don't have to. Some time this week, say thanks to a war veteran.
-Chickenboy
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Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Adventures of Dave the Reaper (Part 1: A Sticky Situation)

Dave was good at his job. He was frequently quoted as saying, "Damn. Nobody does his job like me." Dave was a reaper. He tore souls from their bodies. Dave worked for ReapCorp, a subsidiary of Shafo, Inc. Dave loved his job, ripping souls from their bodies.

Dave always said reaping was more fun with a scythe. "Damn. Reaping is so hard without a scythe," he said. Dave knew all the best reaping methods. He knew the "Slice," the "Dice," and the "Slow Torture." He even invented the "Toenail Extreme," a particularly painful method where the victim's toenails are slowly extracted until the victim loses consciousness. Most methods of soul extraction require a scythe.

One day, Dave forgot his scythe. "Damn. I forgot my scythe," he said. He really didn't want to borrow anyone else's scythe. You never really know what people do with their scythes when they're alone. Dave was forced to reap without his scythe.
At the first house, Dave harvested a soul without a problem. He stashed the corpse in a closet and went on his way. At the second house, Dave faced a problem. "Damn," Dave said, "I have a problem."

As you know, tortoises have very sticky souls. This makes them easy to grip, but very difficult to extract. "Dam. This soul is too difficult to extract," Dave said. Unfortunately, he had already laid his hands on the poor reptile's soul. "Damn, let me go," said the tortoise. "Damn," Dave said. "It looks like we're stuck together."
Dave then created a plan. He and Ralph, the tortoise, would go back to Dave's house and get his scythe. "Damn. Sounds like a plan," said Ralph. Unfortunately, Dave lived in an alternate dimension. "Damn. I'll have to take the train to Greensboro, that's the nearest portal," Dave said angrily. It took them 20 minutes to reach the train station from Ralph's house. The last train to Greensboro for the next hour had left only 2 minutes before they reached the station. "Damn," said Dave, "We missed the train."

They bought a ticket for the next train. When it finally arrived, the conductor stopped them from boarding the train. "Damn," the conductor said, "One ticket per person please." "Damn. We're inexplicably stuck together and you won't let us on the train?" both Dave and Ralph asked simultaneously. At the sight of a tortoise talking, the conductor fainted. Dave said "Damn. I can't steer a train with a tortoise stuck to me!" Luckily, an assistant conductor was available, and took control of the situation. Dave and Ralph snuck onto the train during the commotion. "Damn. We were lucky to sneak on during the commotion," Dave said.

Back at Dave's house, Dave was looking for his scythe. Dave said, "Damn. Where did I put my scythe?" He checked his scythe rack, his scythe bed, and his scythe Malibu play-set extreme (complete with scythe car, scythe pool, scythe hotel, and scythe mall). His scythe was nowhere to be found! "Damn," Dave said, "I'll never find my scythe at this rate!" Ralph interjected, "Damn, don't you have a scythe closet or something?" "Damn. I haven't checked there yet," Dave replied.

Sure enough, his scythe was in the scythe closet. "Damn," Dave grumbled. "I was so sure it would be in one of the other places I checked." "Damn. Just be happy you found it," Ralph said. "Damn. I can't get into my scythe closet with a tortoise stuck to my hands!" Dave and Ralph began crying.


Quiz:
1) How many times is the word "scythe" used?
2) What species of animal is Ralph?
3) How many places does Dave look for his scythe before he finds it?
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