Saturday, June 7, 2008

Pirate Party!

New Political Party!!1!

Are you tired of the insane war-mongering Republicans and the pussy tree-hugging Deomcrats? Then join the newly formed Pirate Party! We (I) in the Pirate Party believe in blatant irresponsibility in the modern world. Our goals include: 1. Legalization of pot and prostitution, 2. Up carbon emissions to increase ocean size and potential pirate territory, 3. The immediate extermination of all bears everywhere, 4. There is no 4, and 5. Increasing the nuclear aresenal of the US by at least 50 billion warheads. With every new registration, you get about one free hooker for about half an hour. More information to come. Read the full article.

Type me sweet nothings... (Words of Wednesday: Saturday Edition)

Ahhhhh... Saturdays. It's like life, no?
This road we travel is long and boring. It's times like these that make me punch things. While days while away in the unbearable summer heat, we sing songs of loneliness. The birds of summer are crows of famine, and reading this in a light and raspy voice helps the effect. Time draws ever shorter as we approach forever. I really need to buy some more bacon, I'm running out.
For years, we wandered this lonely wasteland, stopping only for food and drink. Holy sun, lost forever in this illusion. Food is nothing in the wastes of time, and drink is of no consequence. For what we eat on our journey is only to take us to the destination. Hence, if our journey has no end, all consumption will have been in vain. And thus, humans shall forever glorify their sustenance, despite its uselessness.
In conclusion, I think I would make a great addition to the Waffle House team, and am willing to work at any level until I get my +8 Gloves of Glory. (Or, if I'm lucky, the +12 Gauntlets of Gory, with head-crunching action.)
And thus, the resumé of darkness is delivered to the soulless Father Time.
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Help...gameplay...gameplay...I need gameplay...

What the hell, mindless first-person shooters? You're supposed to come through for me. 

I've been on vacation for less than two weeks. I have played every game in my household. Every. One. If you've been in my dad's office you know that that's no mean feat. He has nearly one hundred ancient DOS strategy games. I have played them. They are lacking.

I normally resort to Battlefield 1942, Battlefield 1942: Road to Rome, Battlefield 1942: Secret Weapons of World War Two, Star Wars Battlefront, Star Wars Battlefront 2, Doom 3, Doom 3: Resurrection of Evil, and sometimes, when I'm feeling frisky, Battlefield Vietnam, to break out of boredom. I have played them. They are lacking.

I would play Diablo II, but Shafo's got my CD and I can't download the no-CD patch without it. A cruel twist of fate.

I am currently playing "The Chosen: Well of Souls", a game with the worst voice acting, character models, storyline, character differentiation, AI, rewards system, and gameplay ever. It cribs everything from Diablo II, with the added bonus of a translation into Polish and back. (Not kidding. It was actually made in Poland. Julian's dad would be proud.) And it adds guns. No, that doesn't make it more exciting.

The game is lacking.

I'm seriously considering doing my IB summer homework.
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Friday, June 6, 2008

Hey look over there, nothing at all

Hey gang, it's Cap'n Jack. I know no one cares except that one apparent special person, but still. I've been busy lately, what with my rigorous schedule of pillaging, plundering, and the occasional rape (don't tell my girlfriend). Anyway, here I am. By chance, anyone else feel the urge to throw a giant toga party? I thought so. We're totally having one. Word to the wise, never fall asleep while listening to "Stairway to Heaven". It's like a bad acid trip, except not nearly as fun. And, for all 4 of you Flight of the Conchords fans out there, listen to David Bowie's "Space Oddity", then "Bowie's in Space". It makes the song all the more amazing. And finally before I pass out amongst a pile of cheap hookers, I would like to say thank you to China, without whom we would never have the marvels of orange chicken and poisoned toys. Read the full article.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

A simple thanks to my fans

I just wanted to thank all my faithful readers who voted for me, putting me in the lead in the votes thusfar (by faitful readers I mean 1 person, because I have 4 votes; 1 was mine, 1 was jimmy's, 1 was marcs', and YOU are that 1 special person who loves me).

I wanted to say to all of you out there who love me but are to shy to show it by voting, that I love you back! If anyone of you wants to e-mail me a letter of "matthew you are amazing" then just go ahead. Don't worry, I will not make copies and distribute them to all my friends as proof that people like me more then them. I wouldn't be a horrible person to the enviorment like that-I would only FORWORD the letter to all my friends with sarcastic but funny remarks attached, thus saving paper, ink, and a home for small monkeys in our rainforests. Besides that James smells like feet. I just wanted to announce that any and all people who send me such a letter would recive a gift that no other mortal could recieve. I leave you with this- thank you again faithful and loyal friend.
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The Adventures of Dave the Reaper (Part 2: The Writers Get Lazy)

I'll write it this week, I swear.
EDIT: Finally, however many weeks later, it's done.
  Read the full article.