Friday, June 13, 2008

Um, about that party.

It's actually next week.  As in, the 20th. Blame Matt, he told me it was today. But Sean's not answering his phone, and when Marc called him Wednesday, Sean said it was in a week. So. 20th. Sorry about the confusion. I think that means more people can come, though. Read the full article.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Random Stuff - Just Comment On It Already

I'm back from Kentucky, and I'm here to share ten observations with you:
1. In Kentucky there are drive-thru liquor stores. What could possibly go wrong there?
2. There was a store called BJ's Adult Movies. Do people really stoop that low?
3. Everybody cares a little too much about the Civil War. I don't care which general went where while wearing a certain dress, everybody's dead. Although that little pink one looked fantastic on Gen. Sherman. Went well with the earrings and corsage.
4. I did not see a single KFC, which seems rather odd.
5. Hell with the Bible, locust aren't that bad. This year was on a 17-year cycle of locust, so there were millions of 'em. They were a little noisy until you got used to it, and their corpses littered the ground. Not...that...bad.
6. Everybody's fat but no one eats anything. How do they do that?
7. Everybody's happy until you talk in a normal accent. Then they kinda get passive-aggressive. Wonder why.
8. I saw only one black guy, and his job was to pick up piles of horse shit at the Kentucky Horse Park. That doesn't scream overt racism at all.
9. There is no #9.
10. Everyone considers 68 degrees as freezing. This should not happen. Read the full article.

What happened?

...Having a little problem. I don't really feel like writing anything funny anymore!
So... Dave teh Reaper is suspended indefinitely. Don't expect anything cool out of here for a while.
I leave you with haiku:

Tree falls into pond
Shun responsibility
Turn into a goat.
Read the full article.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

A little problem

You guys, it's only Monday and there's already 7 posts this week. While a naive person would look at that and say, "Oh yes good, activity is good," I'm not naive. I know it's because you all want to destroy the world. If we get over 18 posts this week, I will cry. So... tone it down a little.

(JK guys. I don't like the world anyways.) Read the full article.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Graaalbersmagit. Its true.

Hey all

This Message is brought to you by the Number A! It is being co-lead by the Letter ?. Gimmy a W! Gimmy a Q! Gimmy a Batman Symbol! Gimmy another Q! Gimmy a *! Gimmy an Upside J! Whats that spell? Rape, in our secret code(not really, it doesn't spell anything)!

Sorry I havn't been posting for a while, lifes been keeping me busy. Not really. I'm bored. Really bored. So I signed myself up for a literature cource. I figured a good way to keep myself busy is to torture myself. So I have completly read everything on my reading I just need to read all those books on there. On a more serious note (who am kidding, I'm gunna make fun of james):

The only two reasons this cant be James? First, no one would EVER want James in bed with them. EVER. Ever ever ever ever ever ever. In a million bajillion (I am aware that it isn't a word) quadrillion years. Ever. Ever. Second, his body isn't in preportion. Exp. Needs a bigger mouth, bigger ears, taller, etc. Other than those small details (no one will ever go to bed with you James) it is totaly you.

So Jack, what are your career plans? I heard it can be rther difficult to get a job as a pirate, and I was wondering what your plans are for staying alive once you became one. These days it is rather hard to keep the LAW (silly little thing) from getting "all up in your grill" and stopping your good time (and small childrens screems).

Anyway, if I dont get something more exciting to do thise summer I'm gunna pull an edipus (not do my Mom you perv, gouge out my eyes)...Since its 11:15 P.m. I plan on loggin' and going to bed. Unlike you lazy fools I have to get up at 6 tom to water the lawn. My dad is to lazy to fix the sprinkler system.

P.s. Still waiting for the "Matthew I love you" letter. Don't be shy all you fans! Read the full article.

Hey Guys -


Call him for extra details, like where he lives and when it'll be and how many hookers you should bring. And his phone number because I don't have that. (Yeah, I know - calling someone to find out their phone number. Makes perfect sense.)

Also, I'd like to spotlight another blog that's totally hilarious (not as much as ours, though) - Specifically, check out their "Five Scariest Bugs" and the rap-parody video by one of their offshoots, "Those Aren't Muskets!" - "The U.S.S. Enterprise (Is Gettin' P.U.S.S.Y. Tonight)" - which, as you may be able to tell, is not child-safe. Matt, I would suggest not even looking for it. Your parents would kill you to cleanse you.

Also, Matt, if there's any way you could get Diablo 2 to someone who can go to the party? Please.
Read the full article.

Better Know A Website

Based on Stephen T. Colbert's classic "Better Know A District" and it's many offshoots.

Part one in my new 304620349867109802938609260192601 part series, Better Know A Webiste, now coming to you exclusively from my vacation spot in scenic....Kentucky! Home of tobacco, bourbon, and hyper-steroided race horses. Part one takes us to Created either by the goofy looking lead singer for Aerosmith (the best Americans ever next to Colbert and Stewart in that order) or someone who is also called Stephen Tyler, sells beautiful jewelry, and is based in the UK. The company was been nominated for several important sounding awards, but has never won anything. Ever. What total losers, not even the "You're Jewelry's Not A Total Piece of Fucking Shit" award? Hell, even Canada gets that award. FUCKING CANADA!! What does Canada have? LOTS OF BEARS!! Stephen Tyler Inc., do you want to encourage these humanity-destroying beasts into attacking the homeland?! Step it up a bit! Anyway, that was part one in the 304620349867109802938609260192601 part series, Better Know A Webiste. Read the full article.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Battlefield 2

I finally found (discovered) a solution (fix) to my boredom (apathy, lethargy). 

Unfortunately (Badly), it's impossible (unrealistic, fantastical) to use (implement, utilize). See, my computer (system, rig, personal computing device) can't run (is physically incapable of running) this program (application). My dad's can (my father's machine is capable), but (however) he won't let me install (prevents me from downloading [content]) it (the program). He doesn't want me on his computer all the time (does not wish me to hoard all of his rig's operating hours), apparently (obviously).

My continued (annoying) use of synonyms is because my psyche (mind, conscience, brain) is reverting to 6th grade (going back to a somewhat happier time when I was kinda popular, at least, not as nerdy), when I got third place at the local spelling bee (performed reasonably well at a local academic competition).

I need help. (Perfect as is.)
Read the full article.

Fun with stats

Well, Sunday night is here again, and I'm out of cash and out of whores. Where did they go?
Come back!
Get it?
Anyways, I think people are actually reading our blog. At last check (as of yesterday), we had 31 absolute unique visitors who visited 92 times. Good for them!
33.7% of them visited once and never came back. I blame James.
85 of the 92 visits were from teh USA.
4 were from teh UK. I blame Bishop. (Well, maybe Thomie.)
1 visitor from Serbia! I blame Matt.
1 visitor from Cyprus, an island nation! I blame Jack.
Both of those visitors spent (an average of) 00:00:00 on the site. Way to go, losers.
(Good job alienating your fan base, loser. Maybe they read fast.)
46.74% bounce rate? Gosh. I don't even know what that means.
23 visits on June 6? Again, that was the day Jack came back. Curses!
This picture illustrates how well our reffering sites do. Put the URL in all your forum signatures!

Yeah, we're this close to popularity. Matt, please don't ruin it.

  Read the full article.

Boredom Relief in Sight

Bored? So am I! But I'm working on it.

Hey guys. I know everyone's bored out of their fucking minds, but I'm working on a solution. As we speak, I'm trying to convince my parents to let me throw a giant wild toga party. It'll be all day then a select stay overnight. Probably won't work because my parents are assholes, but maybe if I hold myself ransom, it'll work. If it does work, invite everyone you know and try hard to get a date, although who are we kidding, what are your chances of getting a date? James can invite Emily and start to cry when she brings her date. Ah well. If you don't know what a toga party implies, watch "Animal House". Doubt my parents'll approve of kegs and kegs of booze, but maybe if we share. That is all. Read the full article.