Saturday, June 21, 2008

Graah Party

Yes, it was fun party.

And what happened? What did we learn?

  • I was last to arrive, about 5 minutes after I was told to be there.

  • Jack was a lameo no-show.

  • Matt's parents make him walk uphill in the rain at 10 PM

  • My Brawl levels are pretty sweet. Camping on the spikes is not.

  • Brawl gets boring after a while.

  • Don't do DDR at 11 at night.

  • 300 is a good movie, especially if you talk through it.

  • FFVIIAC is a good movie, if you know the back story.

  • The Matrix trilogy is 7 hours long, but so worth it.

  • Agent Smith is a pu**y a*s b**ch muthaf**ker (and apparently Keanu Reeves has a new catch phrase).

  • Can pyramids fall? Yes, can pyramids fall (when you throw a paper plate at them).

  • Don't play DDR at 9 AM, especially if you're afraid of dislodging your intestines.

  • You gotta remind Sean a couple of times when you want to borrow 10 year-old video games from him.

This was a very enlightening experience for me, I only wish that all of you were there.
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Friday, June 20, 2008


Oy, I'll be touring Europe from tomorrow to July 6, so I won't be doing anything here. Try to contain your enthusiasm, there are children present (somewhere). Read the full article.

The Adventures of Dave the Reaper (Part 2: Sing-Along With Dave)

The next day, Dave was called into his boss' office. "Damn," Dave told his friends in the locker room, "I'm dead meat!" His friends just laughed. I mean, who gets stuck to a tortoise for a whole day? It's an amateur mistake, and Dave should have known before laying his hands on that tortoise.

Dave arrived at the office. His boss was waiting for him, an unhappy expression on his face. "Damn," said Dave's boss, "Why didn't you fill your quota yesterday? Or records show you reaped 1.5 souls yesterday, a record low." Dave explained the sticky situation. At the end of his story, the boss' face relaxed. "Damn. I suppose you did the right thing in that situation," the boss said, "but next time give us a call to let us know what's up."

Dave was surprised he had been let off the hook so easily. "Damn," Dave said once he was out of earshot, I thought I was done for!" His friend Rob agreed. "Damn," said Rob, "Who knew that they would be so lenient?" The answer was nobody. Nobody knew.

Of course it couldn't be that easy! To make sure that Dave didn't skip out like he had the previous day, they made Rob go with him. Along with that, they were testing a theory. Could two reapers reap twice as fast and twice as many as one? The answer was yes. Yes they could. "Damn," said Dave. "I'm too used to flying solo. This feels awkward." Rob agreed. Nevertheless, Rob and Dave went a-reaping together.

And they sang their a-reaping song:

Look, oh there, a pool of blood
A shark attack or drowned in mud
Or choked on too many spuds
I guess it's our lucky day

Died while trying a new dance
Or putting on spiky underpants
Or trying to eat some poisonous plants
Hey, I guess we're in luck

A-reaping, a-reaping,
He died while he was sleeping
A-reaping, a-reaping,
Dental pie a cheap thing!

There were eight more verses, each more grotesque than the last.
And then the big finale:

Reap this, reap that,
Reap the man in the yellow hat!
Reap here, reap there,
Reap the guy taped to a chair!
Reap me, reap you,
Reap my old and broken stew!
Reap high, reap low,
Reap while eating to-ma-toes!
Reap underwater or in the sky
Your soul is soon to say goodbye!

When Dave and Rob were done reaping, Dave said, "Damn. We reaped so many souls today! It might be a record!" Rob added, "Damn, you could be right."

Back at ReapCorp HQ, the boss was pleased with their results. "Damn," he said, "You two were so productive, I'm going to make you full-time partners!" "No thanks," said Dave, "it's much more fun alone, even if it's less musical."

Answers to Part 1 Quiz
1) 25
2) Homopus bergeri
3) 3

1) What is Dave's friend's name?
2) Is Dave an amateur? Why did he make such an amateur mistake, then?
3) What is your favorite line of the song?
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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Three yellow rubber bands and a boom box

I'm desperate. Me and my family(yes I did this to anoy James), are going on vacation to the New Mexico/Arizona/Nevada area(yea we heard: New mexico, Earth. Maybe just the best place in the universe) and we need someone to watch a semi-trained dog. He is a little bit of work, but wont cause any destruction (we swear). It is the 27th of this month, and we are gone for 10 days. We are paying 10 dollars a day, thats a total of 100$ for those of us with math issues. Mind you I do have to actualy know you, so no offers from random people please.... Read the full article.

More on the Pirate Party

Well, thus far, the only members of the pirate party are me and my cat, and my cat isn't that into it. So I'm encouraging enrollment. Apparently my "maybe you get a hooker for about half an hour" isn't good enough: I'm increasing my offer to a hooker for an hour, then you can kill her and stow her body in a cargo plane, from which she'll be dropped onto the White House lawn. And, if you want, you can keep her after that. If you're into guys, change every "she" to a "he". Now that we've got more members, time to acquire actual power, for which I've created a grand plan. First off, we need to distract the existing political parties. We'll pay some terrorists to attack Alaska or something so the Republicans are obsessed over that, we'll insult the Democrats' mothers so they cry and apologize and hide in a corner, and kill all 4 people in the Green Party except for Nader. With everybody preoccupied with war, depression, or death, we can now make our move, as soon as I think of it. Read the full article.

Fent's Dense Fence Dents Dance Sense (and Other Short Stories)

Fent's Dense Fence Dents Dance Sense
A Test of Yer Mettle
The Incredibly True Story of Fireworks That Hate You

Fent's Dense Fence Dents Dance Sense
Hi. I'm Fent Brickland. I'm something of an expert on the short dividing wall jig. As you well know, fence dancing has a long and rich history. Why, just five minutes ago, the father of fence dancing (me, Fent Brickland) came up with what became an all-time classic. Now that we have fully explored the history, it's time to attack the most common dilemma of modern fence dancers: Fence Dents!
What do you do when your fence dents? I hope you have some extra wood lying around! The easiest method would be to patch them holes! Nail in some wood in the holes. If you have some very oddly shaped wood, it would be easy enough to imagine it an exciting puzzle.
Make sure the wood grain all goes the same way. Fence dancing is embarrasing enough without falling through and potentially breaking your duodenum.
Use two hands to grip the wood. Very important.
Use the most expensive wood you can find. I suggest premium-grade balsa.

A Test of Yer Mettle
Smiling Ann was unhappy. Her husband had left her and two kids on a single paycheck a month ago, and now making ends meet would be a miracle.
She sighed. She'd been forced to take a demeaning and embarrasing job at the local community center: Swordfighting Teacher! It was 80% less glamorous than it sounded in the ad.
The first problem was her clients. Most of them had never handled their swords properly, or (in many of the women's cases) didn't have one at all. She spent most of the first lesson polishing them, showing the proper technique. Long, swift strokes are always best, she said. Avoid the blade, and be careful around the tip.
The next lessons were mostly about when to pull it out. Many people are afraid of swords in public. If you have yours out, parents will often shield their child(ren)'s eyes. It's much better to leave it in its sheath until you reach a bathroom stall or dark alley.
Finally, after the students gained proper understanding of how to us their sword, it was time to teach them to attack. Fanciful slashing and hacking motions are fine, but the real power comes from stabbing. If possible, distract your opponent so you can stab them without objection. If you have subdued them sufficiently, they may offer to polish your sword for you. Only do this if you trust them. If you don't, continue stabbing until you run out of energy.
These were Smiling Ann's sagely advice words. At least the job payed pretty well, even if there was a chance of getting a virus.

The Incredibly True Story of Fireworks That Hate You
Well, fireworks can be dangerous beasties. I know I've always handled them with care, though! Imagine, though, rogue fireworks. The kind that don't care whether you set them up straight, they're going to fall over and try to hurt your family!
Well, we were lucky. It only burned down our tree.
It all started when each of us got 10 bucks to spend on some more fireworks. My sister was lame and took all the money in cash, so we only got $20 worth of stuff. My bro chose some stuff, and I chose some stuff. After I had found about $6 worth of stuff, I wanted to look for one real good, $4 firework that would be cool, if not the cheapest ever. I got one called "Forests on Fire," which would (according to the warning) "Shoot flaming balls." Sweet, said I, and I bought it.
Later that day (July 4) We were doing fireworks. My dad went out to light one, my "Forests on Fire." I told him that it was mine, but he could light it if he liked. He liked.
Alas, the firework did not work as planned. After shooting flaming balls one way, it fell over and began shooting flaming balls sideways, into places like the neighbor's driveway and (as we learned later) the evergreen tree.
Luckily, we didn't get hurt, and it din't shoot any of our other fireworks in the garage.
A few minutes later, I noticed some smoke near the tree. I paid no attention, figuring it was smoke from another group's fireworks. It wasn't
The tree went up quickly, half its branches ablaze and no water in sight. The nearest hose was too short, so we used it to make sure the fire didn't spread to the house while A group went to find another hose. B group called the fire department, while Bishop just stood there holding the hose, watching the fire. It was an awesome sight. The flames climbed to the top of the tree, licking at the branches of another tree above it. Then it receded, having burnt everything on its way up.
However, it wasn't done. It never reached the burnt tip again, but began spreading around the base now. A concerned neighbor brought over an extinguisher at nearly the same time A team returned with a hose and B team came out to watch.
The fire was defeated, and while half the tree was saved, it will likely not be spared. The damage was deep and strong, horrible and engulfing. The fire truck arrived, about 67% to 70% smaller than I thought it was, and we told them what had happened. Good thing nobody was hurt, said I. Well, except the tree.
(pics later)

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The specialtivity of the purple vaccume

I am going to quote a famous poem (hopefully you have heard of it), that fits in with the dicussions we have been having around here recently.

Dream Deferred (harlem)

What happens to a dream deffered?

Does it dry up
like a raisen in the sun?
Or fester like a sore-
and then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Well this poem is more complex then it appears at first glance, it was written sometime around 1920 (I should probly find out the exact date, but I'm lazy). The poem is about black segregation and the fact that blacks were being secluded from their main dream-being considered a part of that the serious part of it is gone, I would like to point out one of the last parts of the poem
"Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load"
Well, there are only two possible things that this could mean. The first one involves a toilet, and is a normal responce to someone talking about a "heavy load". The second one is the one bishop and Jack immidiatly thought of, but thats just because they are HUGE perverts, and they can't help it.

Lets go back to that first option. If you were being particularly crude, you might say (before you use the restroom) "I need to get rid of a load." What I want to know is WHAT IN THE WORLD Langston Hughes was thinking when he wrote this. Was he particularly constipated? Did he have an issue that he needed to talk to his doctor about? Or maybe I am the only person in the world who doesn't think pooping is a horrible thing that is comparable with a "festoring sore" or "rotten meat." Someone care to enlighten me?
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Sunday, June 15, 2008

Jefferson Hodge

Jefferson Hodge was afraid of cars. "I am afraid of cars," he said. Why was he afraid of cars? "Well, I am afraid of cars because they are killing machines." Jefferson was right. Cars do kill people.
Jefferson refused to even enter a car. "It is too dangerous to enter a car!" Jefferson exclaimed. They could crash into and kill you, you know. Jefferson lived his life in shame, away from cars. He lived to the ripe old age of 20. He was killed by a vampire bat in the cave he lived in.
Just kidding. He died in a bike crash.
Just kidding. He died from an infectious disease.
Just kidding. He was shot by a used car salesman. His testimony: "That's what you get for hating cars!"
Just kidding. He's not dead yet.
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