Saturday, July 19, 2008

Mississippi Most Honest State In US, Poll Shows

AP Article | CDC Press Release

Yesterday, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported that Mississippi was the most obese state in the United States (32% of adults being obese), followed closely by the rest of the South. While they attribute this to the traditional southern diet of deep-fried pig tears, I believe there's another force at work here.

Consider this: The CDC conducted telephone interviews to obtain heights and weights of random citizens of each state. Using these they calculated each person's Body Mass Index. A BMI of 30 or more is considered obese.

Anyone with any knowledge of BMI (and even fat people trying to keep the average down) could lie about their height and weight. A 5' 9" adult weighing 203 lbs would have a BMI of exactly 30, landing them in the obese category. Therefore, any person lighter than 203 lbs need only to list their height at 5' 9". (A formula is provided at the end of the article.) By the same token, anyone taller than 5' 9" could say they weighed 203 or less and get their state off the hook.

I believe this survey is less about our country's weight, and more about its honesty. In a day and age where anyone can say anything about themselves without the risk of a background check, we need to understand that it's not important how much we weigh, but how much we lie. And that means Colorado has the most liars of any other state (81% of adults).

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Friday, July 18, 2008

There Once Was A Pirate Named Spunky

Since there seems to be plenty of stories floating around this crap blog (Dave the Reaper and...Dave the Reaper) But since I'm feeling unusually nice right now, I'm going to make a children's version of a happy pirate story with no potty language ever. Enjoy. (WARNING: The following content is in no way bad, but just in case, those of you offended by profanity, killing one's parents, pedophilia, graphic sex descriptions and violence, drug abuse, racism, or anti-semitism, please look away, you fucking pussy you)

"Alright children, it's time for storytime with your good friend, Cap'n Jack. Today's story is from book one of my favourite series, "The Happy Adventures of Jolly Ol' Cap'n Spunky". Are you ready? (pre-recorded "Yay!") Then we'll begin! Hooray! *ahem* 'Chapter 1: Shitheads Fucking Some Goddamn Whore Cunts' There once was a jolly lad called Spunky. Now, you may be asking your darling little selves, "Why would Spunky's mommy and daddy call him 'Spunky' after the stork brought him?" Well, first off, babies are made when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, or when a daddy pays a mommy some money and forgets a condom, or when a daddy has uncontrollable urges and steals a mommy, or if two mommies love each other and get some daddy-juice. But that's for another time. Anyway, Spunky's mommy and daddy called him Spunky because they were total assholes who hate children, just like your parents! So as you might expect, Spunky took a cheese-grader and killed those fucking bastards very slowly over the course of a few weeks. But remember kids, Spunky's special, and has done this before. If you want to kill your parents, take an adult knife with the sharp edge and stab it into your parents' necks, then watch the blood spurt out of those cocksuckers who've held you back all these years. But enough learning, let's get back to the story. So Spunky brutally killed his parents. This made some people, namely the evil asshole police, very angry, so Spunky had to run away. Since Spunky lived in Miami, he ran as fast as he could to the docks with the help of our good friend Mr. Steroids-oh look, here he is now! Hello Mr. Steroids!" "Hi Cap'n Jack, hi special friends! I'm only dropping by quickly because I think I just killed several inferior black and Jewish people with Mr. AK-47. Anyway, remember, steroids are your friends. Take them with you vitamins, and you'll grow up to be a strong, growth-stunted member of society." "Well, thanks for stopping by Mr. Steroids. Back to the story. So Spunky ran away from the evil police, and came upon Old Michael Jackson the sea captain and drug smuggler. 'Can I join your crew?' asked the boy. 'Only if you go to the magical forest and suck on lollipops with me little boy!' laughed Captain Michael. And so off they went to the captain's cabin, where they {CENSORED CENSORED}, and after his face was clean, Spunky was allowed onto the ship, which was crewed by other small boys just like him. So off they went on their merry little way, with occasional trips to the magical forest, which turned out to be just Captain Mike's cabin. This continued for months until the boys got tired of these seemingly odd trips with Captain Michael, so one day, the boys cornered the captain, cut his tummy open with an adult sharp knife, and fed his internal organs to the ship's magical singing goat, Patsie. After the captain had "gone on vacation to Cleveland", the boys tossed his body overboard and ate Patsie because she was being a total twat about eating the captain. Since it was Spunky who thought of the plan, he was chosen to be captain after he ate a few of the other boys who didn't want him to be captain. That very next day, the boys found some nice sea-mermaid people, and went fishing for them, like you do with your uncle when he isn't going to the magical forest with you. Eventually the mermaid-ladies were caught, brutally raped, gutted, and eaten for dinner. So little Spunky and his merry crew were now happy. That is, until the sharks. Well, that's chapter. That's one of my favourite chapters, partly because of the part when Spunky kills his parents like I did, and partly because of the good morals we learned, like police, black people, and Jews are all pricks who must die, or that steroids are good. Come back later for the even more exciting chapter 2. So until then, so long, and be sure to drug her before you stick your wee-wee into her shame-cave. Now bye-bye!" Read the full article.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Your Daily Fortune

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Be happy I don't rant about my celeb crushes and make up

Yeah... I'm bored too...

So, I got bored the other day and I started to think. What haven't I read yet? Obviously, a lot of stuff since I'm not a library junkie. I thought and I thought and I came to the discovery that I haven't read the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. $80 and 2 hours of pleading later, I've got all 10 of them ordered and in the mail. They should probably be here tomorrow or Friday. I'm stoked.

What books have you guys devoured so far this summer? Lame question/convo starter I know... but hey

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Monday, July 14, 2008

All people of earth have one thing in common

The quiz of quizlieness. I need the responces from Vampi so no one post any hints/clues untill she has answered (all of the boys have already taken this quiz).

Would you ever date Bishop?
1 No
2 Really No
3 Gaal Fizzlick

How many times have you sat on yellow?
1 No
2 Really No
3 Too many times to remember

Do you have three toes?
1 No
2 Really No
3 Yes

Are you a homo(sapien)?
1 No
2 Really No
3 Quadraped

Are you in love?
1 No
2 Right now
3 Sponge

Does that come with Taco sauce?
1 Yes
3 Blueberries

Do you think an alien attack is coming?
1 Yes
2 Turnip
3 I was so afraid of an alien attack that I couldn't understand the question

What do strawberry's taste like?
1 Strawberry's is spelled right
2 I'm scared
3 I was so afraid of an alien attack that I couldn't understand the question

Have you ever fought left handed against a bread crumb on the floor?
1 Godzirra
2 Indago
3 Does this make my *** look big?

What is "WUMBO" upside down?
1 Rickyticky ummbop good awk *scream*
2 ... yet
3 HAH! I made you think of the game

OK, thats all of them. There are real answers to every question, and you will be graded # of correct/10. Thank you all, and good night.

  Read the full article.