Friday, August 15, 2008

TEH END OF TEH WORLD!!!

So there's a chance that we could all die soon. Here's why:


Right, so obviously you've heard of the whole Russia invading Georgia thing. That could have escalated completely out of proportion, but eventually the ceasefire took effect. Even thought here's still a lot of tension, for the moment there's not mass invasion. So that sucked. However, I just saw a thing saying that Poland just agreed to have a US interceptor base, and Russia's pissed. And by pissed, I mean they seriously threatened to nuke Poland into oblivion. Apparently the base is a subtle threat to Russia and they're not taking any more of that shit, so Poland could become a thing of the past. This could get fun after awhile especially after the success of Stalin's secret man-ape super army. Of course, the whole thing's probably going to be talked out because Russia's a total pussy, but maybe there's enough Soviet magic left in good ol' mother Russia for her to fuck Poland bad enough to start WW3, which would cut down on the population boom, especially if China and Africa got involved. Oh, and India. Can't forget India. So yeah. Keep that in mind. Read the full article.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Faggots are U!

With the first day of school under our belts I am forced to give everyone some words of wisdom...

1) Country music is. Just get used to it.

2) Wine glasses are a thing every person in the world needs to deal with on their own time. Belive me I have experiance. Besides, it's obvious.

3) Whats the diffrence between teachers and hippo toungues? They both are huge and covered in saliva. Except for the teachers (unless your talking about a certain fat swimming teacher that everyone hates-code name Hister harzecky).

4) Bald band teachers suck when they hate you. I hate you back bald band teacher.

5) English is boring and repetative. You never actualy learn anything new, the same ole' stuff justs gets harder each year. Actualy, not even harder, just longer. We are writing the same old paper about the same old shit. This time I have to say the same thing in 8 pages instead of 2.

6) If your still reading this nonsence then you have no life. I know I don't because my most exciting class today was A.P. Europian History. Yea, and because I can't spell euro apparently. Bishop, go back annd edit that word to be betterer then it is now. It is wrong now. Oh, and not right. So make it right.

7) If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give him a cow he'll eat for a week, maybe more!

Read the full article.

That's The Way(My Mind Is)

Watching commercials really IS bad for your health!


I was watching the Olympics last night and a commercial came on that gave me the biggest, logical, epiphany I'd had in a couple hours.

There are starving, diseased, ill, children and adults in the African and south African countries. Yes, its true. Old news. Anyway, how many years have we seen the commercials for those foundations that are out to feed them and cure them? "For pennies a day YOU can save a life!" Now I'm all for people being healthy and stuff but let's be realistic.

Africa, South Africa and all the countries in between are highly over populated, ridden with disease and there's simply not enough food to feed them all. Now, these people want to cure all the curable disease over there so everyone can live in happiness. Go for it. You spend all that money on vaccines and mosquito nets. Everyone is saved right? Wrong. Once EVERYONE is cured of these maladies... who's going to feed them all? Well, then you're going to need 100x the amount of money you needed to cure everyone and just how long will it last them? New babies are being born every minute there. Can you all keep up? No. Its improbable and impractical.

There's this age old thing called Natural Selection. The weak die out and the strong live. Now, everyone in those countries hasn't died all at once. They virtually CAN'T go extinct. Everyone needs to die sometime. Personally, I'd rather die and have that minute chance at rebirth into a different place or as a different animal, than starving because they cured all the disease and don't know where I am to feed me.

Conclusion, let them die. Sounds cold but death is only the beginning and having people interfere with death is just wrong. There's realistic goals... and then there's insanity...

Read the full article.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

TEH PARTY IS ON BITCH!!!!

YOU HEARD ME, THE PARTY IS ON FOR TOMORROW! TELL EVERYBODY YOU FUCKING KNOW! THIS PARTY WILL BE THE SHIZ MAN! TIME'S NOON TO SIX, AND THE PLACE IS MY HIZZOUSE DAWG! But seriously, invite everybody you can, my mom didn't set a limit on the amount of people. And if you want to bring anything like an Xbox and games or something *cough*Tony*cough* then feel free. but THE SHIT IS ON!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!!! Oh, and wear a toga. That's right, toga party at my house. Bring everything. If you can bring a TV or hookers or something. It will be so crazy, the neighbours will call the cops. Fuck yeah! Read the full article.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Cap'n Jack Compares the UK and the US

I'm starting a new series of things where I compare two kinda similar things and decide which is better. I'll warn you, this is all my opinion involving very liuttle fact, and if you don;t like it, then fuck off. Especially if you're from that one dog thing.

Right, so the US and the UK. I'll break it down into several categories, to give it the appearance of being organized. I chose these categories as I thought of them, so if you don't like 'em, then fuck you up the ass with a cannon.
1. Music (that I listen to/heard of)
UK bands: Queen, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, The Who, Elton John, Flight of the Conchords, lots more...
US bands: Aerosmith, Journey, Chicago, Kiss, Guns and Roses, Boston, a bunch of crap country, Hannah Montana, a bunch of crazy white bitches, etc.
Conclusion: UK wins. When was the last time you heard a Britney Spears song at a sporting event? Never. When was the last time you heard We Are the Champions or We Will Rock You? Exactly. Also, despite Stephen Tyler's lips and Gene Simmons, Britain still has more strange musicians, including all the extremely gay and hairy ones, so there's that.
2. Military Strength
UK: Used to be strongest empire with insane killer navy, current random island
US: Insane nuclear freak capable of killing all life on this planet several times over at any time, likes to kill people
Conclusion: US wins because if they don't they'll kill everyhting everywhere. We're that fucking insane.
3. Comedians
UK: Eddie Izzard, Monty Python, Various BBC People, etc.
US: George Carlin, Robin Williams, Jeff Dunham, The Amazing Jonathan, Jim Gaffigan, lots more.
Conclusion: Eh, it's tricky, but US barely wins through sheer numbers. Apparently we like lots of stupid humour.
4. Pirates
UK: Drake, Morgan, England, Avery, Rackam, Blackbeard, Bonny, Read, Kidd, Silver, many, many more.
US: Johnny Depp
Conclusion: UK wins hands down. Johnny Depp isn't even a real pirate, so he only kinda counts. England has so much pirattitude, the Queen should wear a fucking eyepatch.
5. Amount of Chuck Norris
UK: None
US: All
Conclusion: US wins.
6: Queens
UK: The various monarchs, Queen (band), Freddie Mercury, Elton John
US: Nobody
Conclusion: UK has signifigant queenage, which isn't to be confused with cleavage. But still, the Queen does have a nice rack...
7. Things created/conquered:
UK: English Isles, New Zealand, Australia, India, China, bits of France, Falklands, America, Canada, bunch of Caribbean, bits of Africa
US: America, Hawaii, Alaska, Guam, Puerto Rico, other shitty places
Conclusion: UK has created and conquered more places than you could shake a yankee stick at. Plus the UK created America, so tehy can calim credit to whatever we do.

The Winner: ENGLAND!!!!!
England is generally awesome. Sure, it's basically collapsed into a small island in teh Atlantic, but it's badass about it. Who would win in a fight, the Queen or the President? Hint: The Queen's crown doubled as a machine gun, and Bush has the fighting tactics of a non-potty-trained labradoodle. I go pure pirate, that's how I roll, but if I were to be a privateer for one country, it'd be bloody England.
Read the full article.