Saturday, October 4, 2008

The Spore Chronicles Pt. 1

A continuing story about a typical Spore game, filled with occasionaly humour and saturated with profanity. And if ONE person comments in the form of a haiku, I will tear your spleen out through your throat.

Alright, let's do this. Cell Stage, you will become my bitch. *click click click click* Let's do this shit. Alright, meteor theory, that works. YES, I am pink blob. Damn. Oh well. Let's eat some plants. Lalalalalala. Oh look, spikes. That will surely kill everything I meet with no effort. Aha, now I can mate. Let's see some blob fucking.........what?! You sing a song then lay an egg? I WANT BLOB PORN!!!! Fuck! Hmm, let's add a few spikes......very some tentacle things.....Awesome. Fuck, it's still pink. Oh well. Eat eat eat. AHHH! OMYGODOMYGODOMYGODIT'SAGIANTSQUIDOFDEATHRUNAWAYRUNAWAY*death*FUCK!!! Well that sucked. Aha, a new start. FUCKIT'STHEGIANTSQUIDOFDEATHAGAINLEAVEMEALO*death*FUCK!!! Alright, another go........avoid the giant thing.......aha, I've grown bigger! SUCK IT SQUID!! Let's eat some green shit......What? New giant things? Fuck!....*death*.....aha, I'm half way through. *zap* Fucking electric things *cough* fucking poison things *shriek, death* fucking everything!! AHHHH!!! I HATE THIS GAME!!! But I must beat it. *death* Swimswim SWIIIIIIMMM!!! FUCK!!! *death* WHY CAN'T YOU SWIM FASTER YOU GAY PINK CUNT!!!! Yes! Almost done! Woohoo!.....what's with the caviar? Oh, they spawn little things. They can't kill-FUCK!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! *death* Damnit, there were like 50 of 'em. Aaaaaaaaaaaand*death*FUCK I DIED!!!! YES!!! YES!!!!! I CAN EVOLVE!!! SUCK IT BIT...*death*...FUCK I DIED AGAIN!!!! But who cares! On to.....creature stage. That must be tons easier, right? Read the full article.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Stock Market Drop?

A somewhat ignorant man approaches a jury on behalf of himself

I come to you today, not as a lawyer, or a judge, but simply a man asking; nay, begging for his freedom. Did I ruin the lives of 18 people? Yea, but every single one of those people DESERVED to die. Take Jonathon Kringle for instance. He came at me with a knife. I don't completely blame him (because I had just killed his wife) but maybe next time he'll think twice before trying to attack me. Those 174 rounds in the face will teach him. Next example is Jany Hoops. She thought that just because she was a police officer, she suddenly has the right to stop me from beating the hell out of a hobo. "Oh, hobos have rights too," SHUT UP! God dammit, all these new rules about not beating up minorities and children. When did our society fall this far down the tubes? Just throw our whole fucking country down the toilet.......*a short time later* In conclusion you better find me not guilty, or my kill count will start going up. Will I kill you? No. I will kill your wives and children. Then I will cut off your fingers, then you arms and legs, then take a potato peeler to your head until you cry for your mothers. That is why I believe you guys should not find me guilty of cruel or unusual methods of manslaughter. That is all.
Read the full article.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Hey, funny stuff plz

Since there haven't been enough funny posts lately, I feel as though we might be alienating our fan base. Dave the Reaper will be coming in September, I promise.

Jeff Robertson was eight years old when he first killed. A tribe of Ral'dark had sprung a trap on his family as they traversed the desert, and it was his duty to save his parents from becoming food. He did not do so.
His brother, P. Dackle Robertson, famed adventurer and door-to-door salesman, heard the news from a passing butterfly and managed to reach the tribe just as his older brother began his attack. P. Dackle, always the hero, kept his brother from foolishly attacking a rival clan, while simultaneously sending psychic strikes to their leader's mind.
This act made Jeff pretty angry. He wanted to be the hero for once! He punched P. Dackle in the chest and raced into the forest. P. Dackle had no time for silly games, so he searched out the tribe leader to put an end to the fighting and win back his parents.
P. Dackle wagered his life for his parents in a game of ChessX. The Ral'dark won, and P. Dackle was tied to a tree and taunted. Jeff returned to see the tribe in chaos. Each member thought he or she was entitled to an entire left flank, while the leader kept them all for himself. In anger, Jeff Robertson killed the entire Ral'dark tribe with his mind.
He then ate his parents. Somehow, P. Dackle Robertson escaped, and is looking to avenge the death of his parents. If you know anything about Jeff Robertson, call (719) 994 - 8655.
Read the full article.

Sunday, September 28, 2008