Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Map of bones

I've been computerless for a while now. Sad, isn't it?


Well, now I have my computer back. HOO. RAY! and other such ridiculousness.

The new year is coming soon, and it always makes me think about what I did the year before at this time. I've never gone to a new years eve party, well, at least not one that wasn't at my own house. Last year, my family all stayed home, and my parents were in bed by 10. I stayed up the entire night, and the went to bed around 10 am. I was on IM with Kat, and Stephen, and other people as well, I'm sure.

This year...well, Natasha is going to be at Robyn's house, and I might be going to Kim's. My first ever new years eve party...this post isn't funny.

Let me try again, shall I?

Rape.

That's all I have.

I'm pathetic.

My mom bought me two t-shirts with the grinch's face on them. I think she is trying to tell me something.

3-D movies make me want to throw up.

I should make my parents pay for my college applications eventually.

She also bought me lots of chocolate for my stocking. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know me very well. Or at all. I STILL don't like chocolate. Figure that one out. Never have, probably never will.

[something funny that everyone laughs at, making me feel cool. Making me feel like I have a point to my meager existence. Making me feel loved.]

That is all. It's all I have to say. All I can say without feeling foolish.

Life, love, and the pursuit of accident.
Read the full article.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

We Needed a December Post

I haven't posted in pickles know how long sooooo it's my turn.


I've decided you all need to know my grades for my first semester of college.
A - Art Appreciation
B - English Composition I
B - College Algebra
A - Basic Speech Communication

I've ABBA'd!!! No doubt I was a dancing queen when I saw my grades. The booty shake and all. Received no booty from the shaking though, that was depressing.

Ok, now time to make a funny.

I've decided to invent a non-reflective mirror for roadside assistance around those tricky blind corners. It would need to be non-reflective to not blind drivers with the sun, but it'd still be a mirror so you could see cars around the bend. Unfortunately, I haven't quite figured out how to make it. Any suggestions?

Btw, I don't like pain - it hurts.

Random Vampi Advice! Always remember to blow on it before you eat it.



Read the full article.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Just Dance

Lady GaGa.
That's the joke. Read the full article.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Lord of Chaos

So I was thinking. I know, dangerous game.




I came up with some words I thought the general public would appreciate hearing. Then I forgot them all. Not just some of them, all of them. So I decided to talk about the ludicrous nature of things.

First of all, they always end, if given enough time.

Second, they are all subject to time.

Third, the last two sentences, and also this one, end with time.

Hey, I'm pretty sure this sentence also ends with time.

This one doesn't.

Also, sometimes things don't even have a point, and should just die.

But they often don't.

For example, English teachers.

And this whole blog. It kind of wants to die, but we keep trying to bring it back to life, so it can live its sad sad existence.

Oh, this particular post is another of such examples.

Now what was the point of this whole thing again?

Right, things. Pretty much, they're stupid. Just in general. Not always, but most of the time.

Read the full article.

Monday, October 12, 2009

circles

so

circles

and humanity

and life

and individuality

and free will

and fuck IB, I'm thinking way too much

and connectivity

and my whirling brain and emotions and thoughts

and

and

there is no hope for humanity

long live humans
Read the full article.

And also cocks

I thought I told you to never call me that again

Monday morning clouds can never keep you down - the smile on your face is the one worn by a clown. It's like my taste buds refuse to stop swearing - their faces burnt.

I was watching TV this weekend. I know, I know, it's unhealthy. Well, I was only watching for a little bit, and I was running on my treadmill the whole time so that made up for it. I had a salad and some lettuce and chased my dog, I think I'm making progress on my *ahem* wait problem.

I was watching TV this weekend. I know, I know, it's unhealthy. Well, I was watching a guy run on his treadmill the whole time, so that made up for the 3 Big Macs I had for lunch afterwards. My dog brought them to me when I told him to fetch something, so it's not my fault. I think I'm making progress on my graphic novel.
Read the full article.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

HOBO OBOE

The NEW BLAX PLOIT-ATION FUNK BIBLE!!!



Some excerpts from...

Genesis: ...and when he created da hood, the almighty bro-god sparked up a phat dobie and said "That's some KIND shit~!"

In the ghetto of eden: "Bitch, I saw you gettin' nasty wit dat snake up in that tree 'o knowledge and shit!" "You trippin' Adeem"

Kool Moses DEE leads his peeps to freedom: "Aight sea, you best be steppin' up, or I gunna hafta crack open a can 'o holy whoop ass!"

The last supper: "Eat....this fried chicken is my body. Drink...this schlitz malt liquor is my blood."

Read the full article.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Monday, September 28, 2009

June is bustin' out all over

James is a racist.




What he said was:
"I'm going to post for all holidays on wisecrack" (or something similar to that).

What he should have said was:
"I'm going to post for all holidays [that I consider important] on wisecrack" (or something similar to that).


Read the full article.

Monday, September 21, 2009

9 - 21 - 09

Happy International Day of Peace.

Today, everyone laid down their arms and got to know each other as decent human beings. Issues were rationally discussed, disputes resolved, and all wars were ended, because people recognized everyone's inherent humanity.

JUST KIDDING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE DIED. Read the full article.

[8:48:20 PM] James LaRock: of course I'll be all flowers and "yay love", so I guess you need some middle ground, amirite
[8:48:28 PM] Kyle Bishop: I am the middle ground.
[8:48:35 PM] James LaRock: I award you an internet
[8:48:40 PM] Kyle Bishop: And we can be a love trinity
[8:48:48 PM] James LaRock: And another
[8:48:52 PM] James LaRock: you now have two internets
[8:48:53 PM] Kyle Bishop: a ménage-à-trois
[8:49:37 PM] James LaRock: okay
[8:49:41 PM] James LaRock: no homo though
[8:49:49 PM] Kyle Bishop: oh, of course not Read the full article.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Fungeye is the plural of fuguses

Hunting is a lot like hiking.




Hunting is a lot like hiking. Well, except that you carry around a 10 pound weight...that kills things. Oh, right, and there aren't a bunch of ass holes who walk the trails with you. It's pretty much just you and the elk. I hate those ass holes on the trails when you are just hiking. "God damn you little kid. Get the hell out of my way." Makes me want to kick them off the mountain. "I'll kick you the mountain little kid! Jeez, this trail is too difficult for you anyway, ya little bogie."

This is all part of my yearly report on my yearly hunting trip. This year, I brought down a cow elk, and *cough* my dad's buck (don't tell the police). He always manages to be going to the bathroom when animals come by. It's like his poop attracts forest creatures...what the hell? In any case, I also did other illegal things, like drove for about 2 hours alone. Me the one with the permit. Hee hee hee. Hee. I have grabbed over 20 hours of illegal driving, and only about 7 legally. I don't think my parents realize how much more I've driven with other people than them. Since that has nothing to do with hunting, we'll get back to other things...that I can't think of. So this is pretty much over. Oh well.

Read the full article.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Cracker rapist. Fuck. Cheese? And the number 3.

A discussion on the origins of the word 'hobo.'



Well, although any of us well versed in the language of Yiddish knows that the word means "one who 'boes' the 'hoes', " there is still some confusion about that, despite the clear definition. That is what I will attempt to clear up today.

Well, I can do that by describing a hobo I know. First of all, he will be able to afford good clothes, but he will wear terrible lumber jack shirts in a previously cool 'layered' style anyway. In addition to that, this particular hobo is gay, smells like a gay rapist, has red hair, and sits diagonally to the back right of me in calculus. If that isn't clear enough for you, then I guess I'll have to tell you about his name. It rhymes with James LaRock. Also, orange rhymes with orange. So, I'm not sure why people say orange doesn't rhyme with anything. In any case, hobos are generally cocky, but can be good friends. Did I mention the gay thing? They can be very gay.

Now, to fully understand a 'hobo' one must know what it means to boe the hoe. Unlike the misguided stereotype that society has put on hobos, they almost always have jobs (almost.). Generally, the art of boeing, involves almost 2.5 hours of practice before you become a master of it. It involves taking a garden hose, a toilet seat, 2 rolls of quarters, and a cup with a hole in the bottom and you...well, I'm sure you could guess. In any case, you then do it TO the garden hoe. I don't think you understand how beautiful a bush cam look after a hobo is done with it. All that pubic hair is generally gone, or in a nice style. I now have a mo-hawk above my penis! : )

I love hobos.

Even if they are gay.

Read the full article.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

during the presentation

Shiloh leaned over and said during the song by Singsations

"Chelsey needs to stand up straight and learn to walk in heels."

and I said

"I liked the song too." Read the full article.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Hey Gaiz

I recently told Matt and Seamus on Skype that I was committed to posting on Wisecrack every holiday. So...

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL DAY OF DEMOCRACY! YAY DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE! This is a relatively new holiday, created in 2007 by the UN to recognize that democracy is cool and individual and let's ALL go take a HIT from my BONG. Those hippies! "Oh we're all democratic, we all have different ideas about what that means!" SCREW YOU. America's way is the ONLY way.

I think I'll cover tomorrow, too. Just to get it out of the way.

HAPPY MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY! Not much to say here. Mexico was all "we wanna be free!" and Spain was like "uh uh, not in my house!" and Mexico said "WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE" and ran off.
Read the full article.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Existential Ramblings, Part Two

More from your favorite, formerly-depressed Absurdist!


This was originally written in the wee hours of July 24, 2009, And I had been running on very little sleep.... So, take the time to read the musings of a sleep-deprivewd, semi-depressed teenager if you so wish...

"How... absurd the lives we live are... Utterly pointless, mundane... In the end, our dreams, our hopes, our capability to feel emotion, our beings are.... void. Nothing at all. It is pathetic, how weak we are. How atatched we are to the mortal world. Why does one evade death? Why Delay the inevitable? Sure, we can try to make an impact on those around us. We can atempt to to create a legacy, to, in a way, attain immortality...yet such attempts are meaningless.... Given enough time. There is no history that remains constant, there are a limitless number of ways that any one event in the past can be interpreted..
I am starting to ramble now... My mind is floating from one topic to the next with great ease. But I digress....
Existence. Just by existing, one is risking the end of said existence. Nothing can be certain when it comes to life, other than death. We all die, no matter what the fuck we do to slow death's arrival. So why the hell do we cling to this metaphoric journey to death? Is it because we want to be happy? As an Atheist/nihilist/whatever-the-hell-I am, I believe that there is nothing following death. No conciousness to feel sadness or anger, no ability fo feel loss, longing, or regret. Why should I care about my happiness, or getting the most out of my life? I cease to exist in a mental state following death. Everything I know, every memory I have.... will be gone. As is my so-called soul, or consciousness. I might as well go jump off of a bridge... Suffocate myself, as I once attempted to do long ago... Overdose....
Sure, you could say I have so much to live for, but do I really need to lve for it? After my existence is over, I will not even have the capability to to look back and think, "those were great times", or, "I really wish I had more fun"...Why do I need to make the most of my life? As cruel and heartless as this sounds, IF I was seriously contemplating suicide, the reactions of my friends and relatives would have no meaning to me..... No ability to feel, or remember after death, remember? At least, in my book....... But Christianity, Buddhism, and other religions are for another day, another handwritten page.....
Life is ultimately meaningless, and any attempt to apply meaning to it is yet another futile, absurd attempt to justify how desprately we cling to this pitiful existence....."

Read the full article.

Existential Ramblings, Part One

Esistence is Absurd and Pointless. Much Like GTA



Hullo Everyone, this'll be my first post on Wisecrack Express. Despite the fact that it's mainly copypasta, take some time to look at my existential rambling about life and video games, if it so pleases you.
Anyway, this was copied directly from our good friend Andrew's Facebook page, albeit it was inspired primarily by Robert's commenting about how I supposedly never want a game to end... so yeah, read on....

"Robert Valek Jr at 1:26am June 19
you stall death because nobody ever wants an end. you of all people jimmy should understand this. when youre playing a videogame, do you ever truly want it to end? NO. you want to find out what happens next, but when the end comes there's this overwhelming sense of emptiness, like there should still be more.

life is a journey, not a goal. enjoy the journey, and don't rush for the inevitable goal

James Richard Hall III at 5:02am June 19
A few things: it is unwise to make the generalization that nobody wants an end to their lives. Why else do people commit suicide? Because they want to live longer? And when the end of my absurd life comes to pass, I will not be in any way able to feel the immaterial emotions I had clung to, I would not be able to percieve physical pain I avoided at all costs. For my consiousness will simply cease to exist. The world around my body will not matter to me, and cannot matter to me becuase I will have no awareness to care about anything.

On the topic of video games, I do wish for an end to them. Would Mother 3 be as incredibly good without the heartbreaking ending? Would Chrono Trigger have been as good if the Player never confronted the final boss, Lavos? Would Super Mario Bros. be fun if the princess was perpetually in another castle? Not really. I wish to know what happens at the end. Similar to immortality, an endless game would get tiresome, and boring, and lose what meaning the player has given it. In fact, 'God Mode" cheats used in games often speed up the process. The player would cease to play the game in question, which would be analogous to suicide.

Let's throw in a little Video Game Theory, shall we? A final goal is essential to any video game, otherwise it is not a game. However, under certain modes of gameplay, such as that of the Grand Theft Auto games (in which the player is not forced to follow the storyline at all) there can be goals other than those set by the developers: goals set by players. I suppose one could say this many, if not all humans are subject to this 'mode of existence'..... because we live in what can be considered a sandbox environment; we are free to set our own goals. not have them chosen for us.

Ultimately, the VG Player will either meet his goals or will not. this is meaningless however; for the game console will eventually be shut down.... Much like real life. Each of us will either meet our goals, or fail. But it all means nothing in the end. We WILL die. What we do with our lives is ultimately meaningless. Even if we somehow learn to cheat death, if we find the "God Mode" of life, we will lose the meaning we have put into existence...

I suppose one could say a sandbox videogame is an accurate emulation of existence, albeit being a faster reproduction............ How absurd....."

So... That was my semi-depressed existential, absurdist rant on GTA and life in general.
Not much longer after I posted it, James decided to derail the whole damn thing with one word: Replayablility.
Damn you, James.
Read the full article.

Mormons!

Here it goes, test time.



Just wondering if I am the only one who checks this once a week. So here goes my attempt at funny.

Well, this came partially from a conversation I had with Natasha where I found out all about Mormons. Now, aside from the name it's self being funny when typoed (morons! HAH!) they are actually a very fine group of people. Apparently, unlike Christians, they are ALWAYS nice, and very rarely sarcastic. Never Hypocritical. Never. True statement. Unlike the rest of the human population, morons...I mean, mormons always do EXACTLY what they say they are going to do, and never throw balls in other peoples yards until their own weeds are gone (or however that metaphor goes about backyards). Plus, they, for the most part, smell like freshly picked flowers...believe it or not, that smell is very similar to not picked flowers, except the smell of decay and the look of wilt isn't present. Of course, for all their many good traits they have one small one...well, the thing is....never mind, you don't want to know about how homosexual they are, yet somehow paradoxicly being homophobes as well. That would be hypocritical, and a lot like Christians, so that couldn't be possible anyway. Well, life has it's faults.

Life, love, and the pursuit of accident.
Read the full article.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

'Tis summer again

This is a reflection of the past year, sorry for the late birthday present wisecrack.




When this website started it was just Bishop, James, Jack and I. We were sophomores, and we were even less mature then than we are now. That's hard to imagine. We have grown a lot actually. I'm not sure how I would have made it through last summer without this blog. The most boring summer, ever. Ever. No joke. Well, my most boring summer, anyway. I had nothing to do for almost the entire summer. I played video games, and I used wisecrackexpress. It was a pathetic existence, but I craved every post, and every comment that came through this website so I could keep my sanity. I got a laugh every once and a while, from the randomness, or from the stupidity of it all. We were really mean to each other...a lot. Like we used to call each other the worst things, but we all knew we were just kidding. Well, at least I was.... Anyway, among the things that I blame wisecrack's downfall on are facebook, prostitution, democrats, the black hand, Marc Udall, Sarah Palin, Obama (of course), horse shows, the south, gays, red necks, racists, Rush Limbaugh, douchebags, fox and friends, msnbc, Sean Hanity, cats, Country music, English teachers, Gay rapists, pants, porn, strap ons, nebraska, jews, Liberals, gay clowns, zombies, Jews ( I have to list them twice, because Jack made fun of them a lot), Micheal Jackson, hobos, police officers, pants, profanity, whores, pirates, Vampi (our ultimate downfall), pickles, and everything else that we have made fun of in the past year. We made fun of a LOT of things... We were horrible people.

Anyway, to help keep the blog going, since we have reached a point of... stoppage on the blog. We are making a

[wait for it]






[keep waiting]




[ok, wait over]
a podcast. or series of podcasts. We are going to try to get Bishop, James and in on it for sure, with some special guests, and maybe another person...but not likely. We are doing it via skype, and we are going to try to make it about 30 minutes long, wait for the website posting on facebook and on here. I love you all. Thank you for all the amazing times wisecrackexpress!!!! I love you forever. Never to forget.

Read the full article.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Happy Birthday...

Hey guys, it's been a year.
I remember when the idea was born, out of insane boredom and hatred for art class. We were young, foolish and funny.
We've grown up. Our anecdotal humor seems to have devolved into "That's what she said" jokes and quick-witted turn of phrase so that another's comments now seem gross.

It's been a good year, but our run as kings has ended.


In other news, I plan on completing and publishing How To Avoid Death this summer, so you'll know when it's done. I'll tell you on Facebook.

That's another reason why this has become not helpful anymore: we all have Facebooks. Read the full article.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Matters of the Heart (or lack thereof)

So, as you might have heard, my girlfriend and I broke up. Usually I would let it seep into the mainstream, but due to the overwhelming popularity on facebook, I'll spread the knowledge around, eh?

So, I'm single again, eh? And, since you sick people care about that kind of stuff, here you are. Yeah, break up, whatever. Luckily for me, I cut my heart out, put it in a box, and buried it on a random sand bar years ago, so I'm fine. Now, some of you are probably wondering: "Hey Cap'n Jack, that sounds awesome, how can I go about doing that myself?" Excellent question random passerby, I'll tell you:
1. get a steak knife, a box, and a sand bar
2. stab yourself in the chest
3. now just cut approximately around where yor heart is, and pull that sucker out
4. place in box, and seal with mysterious, awesome-looking key
5. bury said box
Congratulations, you are now a heartless pirate bastard like me! Hooray! Now, instead of being sad and depressing, you'll write about break-ups on a random blog! Fun, right? Plus you're no longer obligated to donate blood or join the army! So yeah. More information may follow.....




Read the full article.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

More Random Idiocy - In The News!

Since everyone's being.... weird. I'll add humor to the blog!


I decided to give links to all the ridiculous news stories my friends and I have found recently. Should be fun, right? :D

What A Smart Kid!
- If my brother did that... my mom would probably have hung him by his toenails from the ceiling fan!

Heeeeere Kitty Kitty!
- I have a cat who gets up inside the recliner. Not pleasant to get a cat claw in the tush when you're trying to take a nap. xD

Dig In Boys!
- I think the label "dietary disaster" would be a GREAT name for it! How many men would go to a game and think... "Oh yeah, THAT's what I want!" It'd TOTALLY sell!

An Apple A Day Keeps The Coppers Away!
- Now you can tell your parents why it's bad to eat fruit. :D

Not A News Article, but DAMN Funny.
- *Plays the theme to Jaws*

Well... that's all for today. How about an assignment for everyone?

Limericks! We need limericks. We've done haiku's. Why not limericks? And how about... Easter for the theme. :D Get crackin' boys!

♥ Vampi

Read the full article.

Monday, March 30, 2009

We are not who we think we are. Or are we?

Well, were saying hello to our late night listeners tonight. Say hello to them. No, I refuse to. I don't want to. They are our friends! They don't even like us!




We feel like we are a chronic liar. We aren't sure that we actually are, but please, don't believe anything we say. It really would be easier that way. Sometimes we think we are telling the truth to people. We make ourselves believe it. [he m a k e s me believe it] Really, we aren't telling the truth though. At least, we don't think we are. Maybe we are. Are these suppressed memories, or are we just making them up. [is he just m a k i n g them up and feeding them to me?] Then there is the advice we dish out. Don't listen to it either. We use our past experiences (the real ones, and the lies) to dictate how we help people. Just our own silly meager experiences. We, a seventeen year old boy, giving out our advice to other clueless teenagers who know just a little as we do. [i don't think we help anyone. sorry for his crap advice guys]

Wow. That was way more serious then I thought it was going to be. Sorry for the lack of jokes...Lets try again?


Welcome to the program tonight. We'll be talking about one of the most in depth topics possible. That's right, the eminent danger of cancer being cause as a result of reading. There are some skeptics that think that reading does not cause cancer. Now I know there are some people out there who are going to look at my last sentence and read "blah blah blah blah reading does not cause cancer" and not read any more. That's silly, because it isn't the intended meaning of the sentence. I am ACTUALLY saying that EXACT opposite. Now, notice the way I capitalized the entire words in the last sentence? That was for -EMPHASIS-. You heard me right, emphasis (in less of course you heard something else...then, well you would be wrong). Now, back to the topic at hand, books are NOT your friends. That's right, you should reserve friend spots of inanimate objects that DON'T cause cancer, such as a pencil topper, a tooth brush, mercury, or half a broken compass (mind you find the broken ones. The complete ones still do cause cancer). I hope you learned a lot, but my time is almost up. And sorry for the we thing. I might have needed that, I'm not sure.

-The fat one

Read the full article.

Hey guys,

I can post this here because I know Dani doesn't read this blog. (Neither does anyone else.) But I need to write this somewhere. And I don't want to do it right now, because I'm talking over Skype and I know now how ignominious it'll sound.

...
You knew you were getting into trouble when I asked you out. I mean, you're my first girlfriend and everything. I'm completely inexperienced when it comes to love. Yeah, I had my heart broken, once. Other than that, nothing.

So you can understand, the first time I doubted the strength of our relationship, I completely freaked out. I didn't want to end up like Emily and Kyle, trapped in a relationship they couldn't seem to escape.

But I understand now that I care about you way too much. And I just want to make you happy. And yeah, I feel that way about pretty much everyone - I hate hurting people, and I'm usually pretty nice. But it's way, way more when it comes to you. Breaking your heart...is breaking my heart. And I need to stop this. I LOVE YOU.

So tomorrow morning, I'm going to say something like this. In person. Well, I say that I'm going to say it. I'm probably going to fumble through the first few words, get really embarrassed, and then just kiss you. That will probably get the message across.

Love, (sorry about there not being any comedy, guys...couldn't think of anywhere else to put this that she couldn't see)

James Read the full article.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Things That Make Me Jizz in My Pants

In honour of the Lonely Island song. And do you have anything better to read? Really?

*Things That Make Me Jizz In My Pants*
1. my girlfriend
2. your girlfriend
3. your mom
4. rubbing my shoulder (ask Shafo...)
5. any trombone reference in any context anywhere
6. pentatonic scales
7. Finland
8. the number 8 (SHVZGB....ahhh....)
9. AAA batteries
10. your mom again (what a slut)
11. guys nailed to bits of wood and small boys (oh wait, I'm not Catholic, never mind)
12. remember the number 8 thing? (LAKUHAG....ahhh....)
13. Argon
14. Wagner
15. Swiss cheese from Switzerland
16. cross-dressing
17. your mom (I've never actually seen her walking, only on her back or knees)
18. tacos
19. Stairway to Heaven
20. lists of things that make me jizz in my pants (LKVJHAB....it's supposed to bleed, right?)
Read the full article.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Hello

Life is better than anyone can imagine. Except for you.


That's right, you can imagine quite a lot. It really makes you kind of unhappy, because you can have such high hopes that can be shot down soooo easily. It's easy to kill birds that fly high, because they stay in your field of vision for so long. You can take like 5 shots at them. Try it some time. Take the best possible thing you can possibly imagine, and just think about how hard it would be to ever get that thing that you want so badly. It would pretty much be impossible, right? I'm sure. That's why you high dreamers have it so bad. Don't worry, it's pretty much all of you. It's me too. I've been told it's one of the only things that keeps you alive though. Isn't that ironic? The thing that you can never actually have is what keeps you alive. Funny stuff life. Full of irony (wouldn't it be ironic if you were made of iron?), stupid people who think they are smart, smart people who think they are smarter than they are, and Asians. Plus the root of all evil, the worst of them all (James thinks I'm about to put democrats...but...) Democrats (oh, he was right). Teenage democrats that are female and Asian who are smart but not as smart as they think they are are the worst. The only way they could be any worse is if they were driving a large vehicle, old, and using a cell phone. Which doesn't make sense, because you can't be an old teenager (or can you? [no, you can't]}.

By the way, I would have mentioned Jews, but it is so blatantly obvious, that if i had put it up there, the people who are smart (but not as smart as they think they are), would have gotten upset for me stating facts instead of providing insight into our world. Therefore, they were neglected from the blog. That is all. Plus Democrats all smell like gay rapists.
Read the full article.

Monday, February 16, 2009

A day that should have been boring.

Ah yes, it was a day when a party should have been canceled and I should have been home alone all day.


Instead, my quiet day was interrupted by a bit of excitement. First of all, I planned a party for today. The problem was, that nobody was going to be able to come to my party, therefore, it wasn't gunna be much of a party. The party was scheduled to start at 9, so I woke up at 9, saw that there was nobody at my house, so I went back to sleep. Then at 10, my sister came into my room with the announcement that "Bishop is here." Exactly the first three words I want to wake up to everyday.

From there we were trying to decide what to do with the rest of our day alone. After I changed my pants (Bishop watched *cough*), we biked down to the mall (remind me to tell you about our extended metaphor about that later). At the mall we did various mall activities, such as (but not limited too) buying things, eating things, and walking. We spent about half an hour listening to Incredibad (parental discretion advised) and eating chick-fil-a. Then we decided to bike back to my house (we went the long way), and this is where the rest of our metaphor is inserted. I'm gunna put the comparison to life at the bottom of this blog/note (depending on if you are reading it on wisecrack or facebook).

Anyway, when we got home, we found out that James was a douche (or rather, we found out about the next leg in his journey to douchedom). Apparently he came to my house some time after we left on our bikes and waited in front of my house for an hour or so, before deciding to come find us at the mall. Then, he hung out in at the mall for a while, apparently some time after we left. Then we sent out our facebook status message about James' disappearance. Anyway, we found him, when he came back to my house.

About 10 minutes after James got there, Robert and Ali show up. We spent some time watching stupid youtube videos, listening to music, and watching me play tetris. Never had so much fun in my life. Except for most of the rest of my life. Anyway, Robert and Ali had to leave to "do homework." Then Dani came over. Anyway, so with Robert and Ali gone, we had four people left. What did we do? A party tradition, we went to Albertsons. Except the only vehicle we had was JAmes' car, which can hold four, but only when he doesn't have stuff in it, that we aren't allowed to move. Like today. Soooo, Bishop rode most of the way to Albertsons on the back of his car (sitting on the trunk). Not kidding. Until we had to "Chinese fire drill" to cross Lexington. After we bought soda at the store, we decided it was time to visit James Hagen.

Leaving the street James had to pull a U-turn with Bishop on the back. James apparently "forgot" that Bishop was back there, so he accelerated throgh the U turn and shot down the street. This maneuver landed Bishop on the ground, in the middle of the street. Anyway, after we were done thoroughly scolding James for his Dick move, we went looking for James Hagen. He was at Billy's house! They were air softing. So what did we do, but join them? With the addition of the 4 of us, we had 7 air softers. Great ueber fun. Apart from my battle scars (not even kidding, that electric fully auto air soft gun drew blood [ask to see it tomorrow if you want]) we had great fun shooting each other up in Billy's backyard.

At some time the fun had to stop though, and stop it did. At 4 we all headed back to my house (I rode on the back of James' car this time) and we made it back alive. Barely. 25 mph seems like so much more when you are looking off the back with a car tailing you about 10ft away, and nothing holding you to the car. If I saw some stupid teenager hanging off the back of a car, I would give them PLENTY of room. I wouldn't want a death on my hands. Oh...I forgot to mention my crazy hats. OH well, I suppose that's a story for another day. This is already ueber long. I'll wear my hats tomorrow, yea?

*Btw, Bishop didn't actually watch me change my pants
**No, douchedom isn't a real place, but James really is trying to get there. Don't tell him that it doesn't exist. We're having fun watching him.
Read the full article.

Things Learned from 'Flight of the Conchords'

Well, although nothing interesting has been posted fer ages, here are random things that I have gathered from the great conchords (some of these are from the second season thus far, so if you haven't seen it, then there may be some confusion)

1. Australians are bad
This one should be obvious. Why ever trust a former British penal colony? Their ambassadors are total dicks, the country itself is shunned by every other landmass, and Foster's tastes like total shit. Even the beautiful women who like to have sex will turn around, duct tape your roommate to the back of your door, and steal all of your stuff while you sit on a random curb waiting to elope to New Jersey with her. And on top of all that, her great-grandmother was a prostitute who was raped by her great-grandfather, AND she subtlely mocks your accent. It's fucking terrible.

2. David Bowie knows what he's talking about
Have a bad body image? Wear an eyepatch. No depth perception, ya, he knew that would happen. Is it gay for your friend to put a wig on you and pretend you're a woman? No, of course not. Oh, and do somethign outrageous. You showed your penis to the man from the greeting card company? Why did you do that? I meant make-up or something. Now I'm off to a party in space.

3. Racism is not cool...
...except towards Australians. Every person is a person unless they're Australian, in which case they're assholes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.

4. Steve sucks
Yeah, what's his deal, spreading a preposterous hypothesis about a fellow rapper being a large water-dwelling mammal. And another thing, what kind of rapping name is 'Steve'?

5. The robots already revolted in the late 90's, and we're living a lie
Self-explanatory.

6. Prostitution is not demeaning
Whether it's because your friend bought a cup and caused your electricity, heating, and gas to be turned off, or to pay for your flute lessons, prostitution is a dignified art, especially if the ladies are checking out your sugalumps.

7. Heaven = sex
Heaven is full of angels 'doing it'. Sex realeases endorphins which make you happy with a capital H that's right next to G that stands for God! (or in this case, "oh god, OH GOD!!!!")

8. Don't add a bongo player or a keyboard guitar player to your band
Or they'll end up ripping a song off of an 80's band from Sweden and losing all of their money, causing your manager to live out of his car.

9. AUSTRALIANS ARE BAD!!!!!
Added for increased effect.

10. Do not befriend your manager
If you try, or if they suggest it, don't! Or else Jim Gaffigan will cause your status to fall down to 'strangers'. On the plus side, your manager wil have forgotten by the next episode, so no sweat.

11. If your stalker gives you a painting, keep it
If you try to throw it away, you'll either have to lie and get more awkward paintings, or wil be forced to show the 'art' to everyone on the block.

12. Behave yourself in other people's dreams
Or else you'll have to apologize, or get your ass kicked. Neither option looks pretty, so no rough-housing.

(more may be added later)
Read the full article.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Assorted Hilarity

The Trip to Europe
EarthChant CFO Becomes Immortal
The Trip to Ontario
Obituary: Terry Frents

The Trip to Europe
Packing for our trip to Europe? Pack light! We will be hiking through the Swiss Alps on more than one occasion, and you will be carrying your luggage everywhere. We suggest you buy a fold-up walker made of lightweight carbon steel.
Denture cream will be complimentary, but we advise you bring your own liter-size bottles. Please do not bring anything larger, we prefer normal sized objects to toss out the hot air balloon. Edna Jane and Edna Sam are not volunteering to be sandbags again this year, so packing light is essential.
Finally, we want to encourage you not to bring any prescriptions along, for they will not be refilled. Instead, we plan on sprinkling reindeer food on your food to protect you from any maladies or injuries.
These are just a few tips we’ve put together for you, and we hope you comply.

EarthChant CFO Becomes Immortal
In a stunning turn of events, EarthChant CFO Jefferson Hatchlane was abducted by aliens while walking to his car late Thursday night.
“I was concerned, you see, by the odd clicking noises behind me. I turned around and suddenly I was floating into the air!” said Hatchlane from his modest Boston apartment. “Next thing I knew, I was sprawled out on my bed clutching a medal. The medal had very strange symbols, almost like hieroglyphs.” Witnesses of the scene gave similar reports.
That medal may be more important to the human race than he knows. Throughout history, the best company leaders have been abducted by aliens and received medals. One of Bill Gates’ many alien medals has been analyzed using a combination of Egyptian Hieroglyphics and fierce cross-examination, but has yielded no results. If Gates agrees to laser analysis, we could crack the code on Hatchlane’s own medal.
Upon hearing that Hatchlane had been awarded by aliens, EarthChant’s stock analysts concluded that the company would soon be selling shares for at least $100 each. Hatchlane had this to say: “I’m not surprised. The aliens have marked me as their hero and superior, so it’s likely that earthlings will soon do the same.”
Hatchlane claims that this is not some bogus trick, and would like to point out to nonbelievers that not only were there eyewitnesses, but that he has proof of it in the form of a medallion.
Hatchlane hopes to become CFO of the United States, and eventually the world. And at the rate EarthChant is growing, that could happen very, very soon.

A Trip to Ontario
Last month’s trip to Ontario, Canada was an eventful exploration, and was not entirely joyful. Edna will not be coming back, and when her family requested her body, we couldn’t give it to them. Jack was devastated.
The trip started out enjoyably enough with a tour of local bingo halls and the famous “Hickory Steve’s Rocking Chair Factory, inc.” factory. However, the squirt gun factory next door was just too intriguing for old Edna. From what we gathered, she snuck away from the rest of the group before getting on the tour bus to visit the denture cream mine (which, by the way, was not as exciting as previously believed). We assume that Edna tried to sneak in a back door and managed to get into the raw materials section. She was hit by a truck on her way back out, but fortunately she was not injured beyond a couple days in bed. Jack offered to keep an eye on her and buy some more Depends if the need be.
Unfortunately, Edna wasn’t through defying our orders. She snuck out of bed late one night with a note that read “Late night bingo party, suckers!” When we looked out the window, we saw a crumpled body on the ground. It was actually Jack who fell out when he read the note. We saw Edna’s body about twenty yards away, very bloodied.
The autopsy concluded that she was mauled by a moose. After rushing Jack to a hospital, where he made a full recovery, we returned home.
The rest of the trip went well.

Obituary: Terry Frents
To those who knew him, Terry Frents was more than just a man. He was almost superhuman. His life began in early 1926, and just went uphill from there. At the age of 7, he learned to walk, and walk he did, becoming the world record holder in long distance walking at age 29. Of course, like most record holders, he was frequently challenged to walk-offs and the occasional rap battle. Not one to rest on his laurels, he broke his record twice, once in 1960 and once in 1972. Unfortunately, his age forced him into an early retirement in 1991 at age 65.
His retirement was not the end of his life, however. He still wanted to enjoy life, so he joined Old Folks Trips and never looked back. Coming along with us on such historic trips as “Tokyo Car Chase 1997” and “Tokyo Car Chase 1999,” but perhaps the most memorable trip was “New Delhi Car Chase 2000,” where Terry dove out of the car to distract the cops.
But like all good things, Terry would end up leaving. Some said he never was the same after being released from the Indian jail. He had lost his energy, and became a great hindrance in “Tokyo Car Chase 2001.” He was a shell of his former self. As his last action, he managed to distract the Japanese police in “Tokyo Car Chase 2007,” but he died after being taken into custody.
All who knew Terry as he once was, the world-record distance walker, will miss him greatly.

  Read the full article.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Hey Guys

GUYS

FUCKING WRITE THINGS

THIS IS BULLSHIT

IN WEEKS ALL WE'VE HAD POSTED IS AN UNFUNNY CONVERSATION BETWEEN ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND

THEN THE TWO KYLES COMMENTING ABOUT IT, ONE SARCASTICALLY REFERENCING THE INACTIVITY

I SWEAR I WILL TURN THIS BLOG INTO COMMUNIST-FILLED BULLSHIT AND START LINKING TO THE NEW YORK TIMES AND THE DAILY WORKER IF YOU GUYS DON'T START WRITING

DO NOT TEMPT MY PINKO WRATH Read the full article.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Another AIM Conversation

So Dani and I were talking on AIM...The night before she had stayed up almost all night at the Citadel for Girl Scouts, helping organize the mall lock-in that they do.

Cinpricat: im tired. i am going to die!
DrtyLb8: please don't die.
Cinpricat: i dont like staying up all night.
DrtyLb8: just sleep love...
Cinpricat: i cant. i have to study.
DrtyLb8: are you sure you're not in IB?
Cinpricat: hey! Read the full article.

Friday, January 2, 2009

A day in the park with a dinosaur...PART 2

So, when I met Robert Frost (the dinosaur) in the park he was sad because he didn't know any good looking lady dinosaurs....poor soul. Or was he?


I went over to Robert Frost and asked him what was wrong. "What's wrong Robert frost?" I asked. "I don't know any lady dinosaurs" he said through his tears. Apparently he didn't know of any lady dinosaurs. I decided to help Robert Frost find a lady dinosaur friend to love. "I'm going to help you find a lady dinosaur friend to love!" I exclaimed. So we went to the slides. I knew that lots of lady dinosaurs like hanging out around the slides. There was a plethora of pretty dinosaurs. One dinosaur in particular stuck out to Robert Frost though. "That one dinosaur right there sticks out to me" he said. So I went over and found out that the dinosaurs name was rickytickytumbousarumbogadygady umm bop *scream*. "Hi! My name is rickytickytumbousarumbogadygady umm bop *scream*" She said. Robert Frost was in love with rickytickytumbousarumbogadygady umm bop *scream*, but rickytickytumbousarumbogadygady umm bop *scream* was not in love with Robert Frost. Poor Robert Frost. "I'm just not in love with you Robert Frost" said rickytickytumbousarumbogadygady umm bop *scream*. "I hate you" rickytickytumbousarumbogadygady umm bop *scream* hated Robert Frost. The end.


-A Bishop and Matthew creation (c) 2009 Read the full article.

A Day In The Park With A Dinosaur

Once upon a time, there was a dinosaur. He was in a park! The end.
Or was it?
Once upon a time, I was in a park. I saw a dinosaur in the park. His name was Robert Frost. He was a sad dinosaur. Robert Frost was a sad dinosaur. When I asked him how he felt, he said "I was sad." "Poor Robert...Frost," I said. The real end.

-A Bishop and Matthew creation (c) 2009 Read the full article.