Saturday, February 14, 2009

Assorted Hilarity

The Trip to Europe
EarthChant CFO Becomes Immortal
The Trip to Ontario
Obituary: Terry Frents

The Trip to Europe
Packing for our trip to Europe? Pack light! We will be hiking through the Swiss Alps on more than one occasion, and you will be carrying your luggage everywhere. We suggest you buy a fold-up walker made of lightweight carbon steel.
Denture cream will be complimentary, but we advise you bring your own liter-size bottles. Please do not bring anything larger, we prefer normal sized objects to toss out the hot air balloon. Edna Jane and Edna Sam are not volunteering to be sandbags again this year, so packing light is essential.
Finally, we want to encourage you not to bring any prescriptions along, for they will not be refilled. Instead, we plan on sprinkling reindeer food on your food to protect you from any maladies or injuries.
These are just a few tips we’ve put together for you, and we hope you comply.

EarthChant CFO Becomes Immortal
In a stunning turn of events, EarthChant CFO Jefferson Hatchlane was abducted by aliens while walking to his car late Thursday night.
“I was concerned, you see, by the odd clicking noises behind me. I turned around and suddenly I was floating into the air!” said Hatchlane from his modest Boston apartment. “Next thing I knew, I was sprawled out on my bed clutching a medal. The medal had very strange symbols, almost like hieroglyphs.” Witnesses of the scene gave similar reports.
That medal may be more important to the human race than he knows. Throughout history, the best company leaders have been abducted by aliens and received medals. One of Bill Gates’ many alien medals has been analyzed using a combination of Egyptian Hieroglyphics and fierce cross-examination, but has yielded no results. If Gates agrees to laser analysis, we could crack the code on Hatchlane’s own medal.
Upon hearing that Hatchlane had been awarded by aliens, EarthChant’s stock analysts concluded that the company would soon be selling shares for at least $100 each. Hatchlane had this to say: “I’m not surprised. The aliens have marked me as their hero and superior, so it’s likely that earthlings will soon do the same.”
Hatchlane claims that this is not some bogus trick, and would like to point out to nonbelievers that not only were there eyewitnesses, but that he has proof of it in the form of a medallion.
Hatchlane hopes to become CFO of the United States, and eventually the world. And at the rate EarthChant is growing, that could happen very, very soon.

A Trip to Ontario
Last month’s trip to Ontario, Canada was an eventful exploration, and was not entirely joyful. Edna will not be coming back, and when her family requested her body, we couldn’t give it to them. Jack was devastated.
The trip started out enjoyably enough with a tour of local bingo halls and the famous “Hickory Steve’s Rocking Chair Factory, inc.” factory. However, the squirt gun factory next door was just too intriguing for old Edna. From what we gathered, she snuck away from the rest of the group before getting on the tour bus to visit the denture cream mine (which, by the way, was not as exciting as previously believed). We assume that Edna tried to sneak in a back door and managed to get into the raw materials section. She was hit by a truck on her way back out, but fortunately she was not injured beyond a couple days in bed. Jack offered to keep an eye on her and buy some more Depends if the need be.
Unfortunately, Edna wasn’t through defying our orders. She snuck out of bed late one night with a note that read “Late night bingo party, suckers!” When we looked out the window, we saw a crumpled body on the ground. It was actually Jack who fell out when he read the note. We saw Edna’s body about twenty yards away, very bloodied.
The autopsy concluded that she was mauled by a moose. After rushing Jack to a hospital, where he made a full recovery, we returned home.
The rest of the trip went well.

Obituary: Terry Frents
To those who knew him, Terry Frents was more than just a man. He was almost superhuman. His life began in early 1926, and just went uphill from there. At the age of 7, he learned to walk, and walk he did, becoming the world record holder in long distance walking at age 29. Of course, like most record holders, he was frequently challenged to walk-offs and the occasional rap battle. Not one to rest on his laurels, he broke his record twice, once in 1960 and once in 1972. Unfortunately, his age forced him into an early retirement in 1991 at age 65.
His retirement was not the end of his life, however. He still wanted to enjoy life, so he joined Old Folks Trips and never looked back. Coming along with us on such historic trips as “Tokyo Car Chase 1997” and “Tokyo Car Chase 1999,” but perhaps the most memorable trip was “New Delhi Car Chase 2000,” where Terry dove out of the car to distract the cops.
But like all good things, Terry would end up leaving. Some said he never was the same after being released from the Indian jail. He had lost his energy, and became a great hindrance in “Tokyo Car Chase 2001.” He was a shell of his former self. As his last action, he managed to distract the Japanese police in “Tokyo Car Chase 2007,” but he died after being taken into custody.
All who knew Terry as he once was, the world-record distance walker, will miss him greatly.

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